Man lately I haven't been reading my Divorce Remedy and Devotional as I have been in the past and my situation has attempted taking over me the last couple days. I've been struggling to keep it together and have cried more in the last few days than I have in months. Everything is so hard to understand. My H seems to be drawing closer and I can't handle it...he's still with OW as he mentioned this morning to MIL that they, MIL and H, should take our son to this kids place to hang out...H had to mention it was someone's idea and made it really clear who that someone is. He didn't say her name apparently but said "someone." He told my MIL "I know what side of the fence you're on, you want me to get back together with H~"...as far as I know he didn't say anything like that's not going to happen or anything.
H said that he is not mentally stable right now and is stressed all the time and has so much anxiety that he can't sleep at night. He said he is very depressed and is confused about life.
Yesterday he told me he wants to go in the National Guard and he's really stressed about paying off his bills. He wanted my advice about where to get a credit card to do a balance transfer from a higher interest card and told me he already found someone to take over the lease for his apartment...he wants a cheap place where he can live, pay off bills, and have our dog part of the time. He said that no one really sees his place anyway. So much confusion right now that it's really overtaking me. He's been asking me all of the time what I'm doing, where I'm going, who's going....etc etc. He looked so depressed today when I went to pick up son from him. I think it's really easy for him to not think of me and be incensitive when I'm not around...then feels really guilty when I am around. I guess I shouldn't even try to understand what he's thinking or where he's coming from right now and continue to work on myself...I feel myself slipping and that's not a good feeling.
His mom mentioned that I would forgive him if he came back and he kept asking "how do you know....how do you know that." I feel like he wouldn't ask if he wasn't concerned whether I would or not....truth is I already have. I forgave him a couple months ago that's how I changed my perspective on things and my way of thinking. I just don't think he can fathom the thought of forgiveness for something such as what he's done and I really don't think he understands the meaning of unconditional love. He doesn't feel like he's a forgiveable person...I love my H more than anything and though it won't be an easy recovery from all of this I'm still dedicated to working on our marriage.
My mind is going a million miles an hour and I have to get to bed soon so I can get up in the morning so I'm going to go read and try to get my thoughts back together and my mind focused because right now it is pretty well out of focus
