So big news for this week is my H and OW aren't doing well at all...confirmation #3. H is having a hard time dealing with an untrusting, jealous person with low self-esteem. He is living in bondage right now because OW is very jealous and doesn't like him to do anything...which is interesting because I was never like that and I know that he is comparing everything right now between how I was and how she is...and I think I'm winning though he is afraid that things would be different if he came back....big PLUS is that it sounds like he has actually pondered the idea of coming back...my whole outlook is that if he came back what's the point of being jealous or controling his life...that will only make him do it again...i have no intentions of being with someone i can't trust...if he comes back hole hearted trust will return...if not things won't work very well.

I heard that OW and another girl he works with had a cat fight over him...both whom H and I have hung out with together and even with our baby. I can't believe what these people are thinking...he is a married man. OW is very jealous of any other woman that H is in contact with including me i'm sure and we have to have contact because we have a child together. H isn't dealing with the insecurity very well because it is something new...I was never like that...as a matter of fact even after all of this I have a very high self-esteem...this really hasn't done any damage in that area.

Her divorce was just finalised recently and her H just got married on Friday to some 17 year old girl. Her and her H have only been separated 5.5 months and he's married again already. OW is pretty upset that her divorce is finalised and he hasn't even started the process of his.

H actually even went to the extent of saying that I was "cool." He got to do whatever he wanted. I think that he may finally starting to be able to see the light...even if it is only a small bit of light...some more hope for me. I think he's kinda riding the fence at what he wants to do and he had mentioned to someone that getting back together with me is the best option...he said "that's a given...getting back with H~ that's a given." So in that case I know he knows what the best option is but the real question is...is he going to do what the best option is??

H wants to keep S1 overnight for the first time tomorrow night and I just don't know what to think, I'll miss the little guy. I'm sad tonight just thinking of it but I think that will make him happy. He did tell someone that he hasn't said anything about divorce because we are getting along really well and he doesn't want to make waves and he's not sure whether or not I would be willing to give him joint custody yet. So I don't know exactly what he is trying to prove to me wanting S1 to spend the night tomorrow but I thought it would be helpful in one way or another in our situation...I do want him to be happy...if our S1 can handle being away from his mommy one night a week and that makes his daddy grow closer to him and maybe me then it's worth a try.

After I told H over text that he could have S1 for the night tomorrow he was happy and thanked me and said "have a good night H~" which made me teary. I don't get teary very often, barely ever, but he actually put in my name...not like this distant repetative message he'd send everybody...it was personalised! It was DIFFERENT and we've all learned...different is good...right??!!

H and I have been having friendly text message convos lately and he sent me a couple texts from work last night...one picture of an inmate with blood on him...was interesting...but it makes me happy he's starting to share his life with me...even if only just a little!! Even after all of this good stuff...I was still really down tonight...I'm not sure of a reason except for inpatience in the situation...I've been thinking about things way to much lately and have really been missing him. I was thinking today of how exciting it will be when we get to walk into church as a family. Me, my H and our S. I thank God for that day already...it will be the best day of my life!! My H is so dear to me...I miss him a ton but it's so hard still since I've distanced myself from him so much.

My friend I was hanging out with told me that he is "emotionally attached" to me...which is the same thing my H told me about OW....SCARY!! Anyway had to tell him we shouldn't talk and hang out anymore because he's going through a divorce too and I'm still trying to work on my marriage...he was depressed but I can't handle the complexity of that whole situation...his W started calling me and asking how much we talk and hang out...cut that one right off...I have enough problems.

Anyway...sorry for the extremely long post I'm just down tonight and had to get all this out before I go to bed...I'm sure I'll have a great day tomorrow...I think i'm gonna get my haircut so I can look hotter...everyone else notices how I look lately...that means my H has got to notice to

Hopefully my down self right now will get lifted back up since I have so much to be thankful for...my DBing is starting to pay off I think. Just a long road