just gettin started on my life w/o H

[ForPeanut]

I am feeling your helplessness feeling and don't know if I am jealous of all the contact you have with your H or glad that mine seems to be pretty much keeping his new life to himself. I just have to compliment you on keeping your cool with him and being able to handle seeing him so often. Seeing my H always seems to just stir me up and get me down. As for the nursing, DO NOT stop just for your H. Do it when you are ready. You need the bonding with your S just as much as your S is thriving on the nutrients. Sure, it is a pain for your H but it wouldn't be if he had made different choices. My motto, "No sympathy". His choices=his consequences. I have told my H, "Not my deal, it was your choice." It may be tough but it is the only way that I can attempt to stay strong with him sometimes. Just keep plugging along and keep journaling.

Here with you,
~T

[hc3gal]

So this week has been interesting...sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything...I am so busy with work and everything.

Tuesday I dropped S off at Hs in the morning and used his bathroom before I left...there was a bikini swimsuit in a plastic bag on the bathroom floor...so aparently he went in our friends hot tub with OW the night before...there were also two glasses on the counter that they had their girly drinks in together and a girly movie "Emma" that he had just bought the night before. Didn't say anything about any of it of course but H did say "I bought a bunch of new movies, you can borrow some if you want." I picked up Emma and said "i've never seen Emma before." He said "oh, it's dumb, it's a girly movie." I lifted it up so he could see the cover and asked "you think??" That's all that was said. I totally contemplated coming out of the bathroom with the bikini on at lunch time but he met me at my work When I went to pick up S after work the bikini was gone.

Tuesday night a VERY good friend of ours called me and told me him and his wife were getting a divorce. He and H have been friends since 3rd grade but him and H grew apart as they got older because H kept becoming a person our friend didn't really click with. I told H that they were getting a divorce and he was almost disturbed that he called me instead of him but friend knows what H is doing to me and has nothing to say to him. Friend and I talked for 3 hours that night about "life." Lots to talk about that's for sure. Friend came over on Wednesday to see me and visit...we hadn't seen each other for months. My H may have known he was coming over and kept texting me...seems as though he was trying to make up reasons to text. He did say "when can I see S...i miss him." I texted back and asked if he wanted him for a while on Friday.

Friend called on Thursday and we made plans for dinner for Friday since H has S. When I dropped S off with H I was in a hurry and I never am so he was curious. I said "here bubba go see daddy, mommys gotta go." He wanted to know why I was in such a hurry and if I was just going to go home and do stuff at the house. I said "nope...I'm goin out."

Friend and I went out for dinner and had an awesome time talking about our marriages, spouses, what went wrong, and what we want out of life...etc. Explained to him how I still want my marriage to work, where i'm coming from etc. It was a great time and we just let loose and did some much needed venting. Of course he doesn't have a clue why I would ever want to try to save my marriage at this point but thought that I was awesome for doing it and how far i've come by changing myself and having a positive attitude and everything. In the middle of dinner H texted a picture of himself and S...very odd...he has never texted a picture of himself before....EVER...it wasn't even like they were doing anything special...just like "don't forget about us" or something...WEIRD but exciting...baby step.

When H brought S home he was in a bad mood and pretty grumpy with me at first anyway...maybe until he saw the flowers on the table that friend had brought for me on Wednesday. So he knew I went out, got flowers at some point, didn't know who I went with...I'm sure he's going nuts inside...not what i'm purposefully trying to do but maybe it will be good for him to see! I also told him that I am taking S to Disney on Ice on Wednesday and he said "cool" kinda sarcastically...think he's sad that he can't go...I would invite him but he's working and I feel like he would still tell me NO...so i'm not going there.

I know for a fact now from the text, and a friend of his telling me, that H and OW aren't doing very well. Praise GOD...is what i have to say about that!! I just pray that she will be gone soon and H will see the light!

Tonight S and I are going to hang out with a mutual friend of H and I. She works with him and we all used to hang out all of the time. H and OW hang out at her place sometimes too, I think...generally when she's at work though I think...they hang out with her Ss daddy...and go in the hot tub. Which at first disturbed me then I feel like OW leaves stuff around purposefully to try and set me off so that H will stay with her...and I truely believe that's what she does. I'm not going to make a big deal out of it but don't think she's a strong enough person to not make a big deal out of things I give H...like pictures and stuff for S etc. She can just go right ahead and put on a show for H since that's why he wanted to get away from me...I'm done being like that!

Anyway that's my excitement for the week!! Hopefully everybody elses divorce busting is going well.

[hc3gal]

So this mornin I texted H saying good morning and asking how his night was at work last night...go figure I had to make comment in the text about having an awesome dream about him last night He didn't respond which is what I kind of expected but hoped that he might be curious...which I'm sure he is!

Later today I texted a picture of S with clothes on in bathtub...he climbed in by himself...and H texted back and we had a fun little convo. The last thing he texted was "i'm really kickin myself for not getting a place where i can have Chace (our boxer)...i miss that damn dog." Which keep in mind he has a 1 year lease on as of 2 months ago and it's $1600 to break the lease. Regrets, regrets, regrets...i'm sure they'll just keep comin! I texted back saying "he really misses u 2." Really wanted to say "we all miss u 2" but i restrained myself...thought maybe that was too much after the awesome dream commment this morning over text

I've been hanging out with friend...he went to church with me this morning and is supportive of my DBing but can't even fathom it still but is starting to understand.

It's so hard for people to understand why we DBers do what we do We are all very strong people...we aren't doing this because we are weak...we are all just trying to do the right thing for ourselves, our children, and our spouses whom don't see what is right at this moment.

Good luck to you all this week...drop me a line if you have a moment.

[ForPeanut]

I am so glad that things seem to be looking up for you again! All of this is really hard work. I can only hope that my H starts showing some baby steps toward acting human again. Maybe then I can have some hope for his becoming a caring decent human again. Yet to be seen.

Anyway, I hope your week continues to go well and that the baby steps keep coming. Great that you got flowers! And that H saw them hehehe. I am sure the mystery around the whole weekend is killing him. Funny that you mention your boxer. My H just said last weekend that he wished he could put Joe in his pocket and bring him "home" with him. (If he tried though I would tackle him. He isn't taking my babies. )

Talk to you soon! You are doing great!!!!! Keep it up!

[hc3gal]

So big news for this week is my H and OW aren't doing well at all...confirmation #3. H is having a hard time dealing with an untrusting, jealous person with low self-esteem. He is living in bondage right now because OW is very jealous and doesn't like him to do anything...which is interesting because I was never like that and I know that he is comparing everything right now between how I was and how she is...and I think I'm winning though he is afraid that things would be different if he came back....big PLUS is that it sounds like he has actually pondered the idea of coming back...my whole outlook is that if he came back what's the point of being jealous or controling his life...that will only make him do it again...i have no intentions of being with someone i can't trust...if he comes back hole hearted trust will return...if not things won't work very well.

I heard that OW and another girl he works with had a cat fight over him...both whom H and I have hung out with together and even with our baby. I can't believe what these people are thinking...he is a married man. OW is very jealous of any other woman that H is in contact with including me i'm sure and we have to have contact because we have a child together. H isn't dealing with the insecurity very well because it is something new...I was never like that...as a matter of fact even after all of this I have a very high self-esteem...this really hasn't done any damage in that area.

Her divorce was just finalised recently and her H just got married on Friday to some 17 year old girl. Her and her H have only been separated 5.5 months and he's married again already. OW is pretty upset that her divorce is finalised and he hasn't even started the process of his.

H actually even went to the extent of saying that I was "cool." He got to do whatever he wanted. I think that he may finally starting to be able to see the light...even if it is only a small bit of light...some more hope for me. I think he's kinda riding the fence at what he wants to do and he had mentioned to someone that getting back together with me is the best option...he said "that's a given...getting back with H~ that's a given." So in that case I know he knows what the best option is but the real question is...is he going to do what the best option is??

H wants to keep S1 overnight for the first time tomorrow night and I just don't know what to think, I'll miss the little guy. I'm sad tonight just thinking of it but I think that will make him happy. He did tell someone that he hasn't said anything about divorce because we are getting along really well and he doesn't want to make waves and he's not sure whether or not I would be willing to give him joint custody yet. So I don't know exactly what he is trying to prove to me wanting S1 to spend the night tomorrow but I thought it would be helpful in one way or another in our situation...I do want him to be happy...if our S1 can handle being away from his mommy one night a week and that makes his daddy grow closer to him and maybe me then it's worth a try.

After I told H over text that he could have S1 for the night tomorrow he was happy and thanked me and said "have a good night H~" which made me teary. I don't get teary very often, barely ever, but he actually put in my name...not like this distant repetative message he'd send everybody...it was personalised! It was DIFFERENT and we've all learned...different is good...right??!!

H and I have been having friendly text message convos lately and he sent me a couple texts from work last night...one picture of an inmate with blood on him...was interesting...but it makes me happy he's starting to share his life with me...even if only just a little!! Even after all of this good stuff...I was still really down tonight...I'm not sure of a reason except for inpatience in the situation...I've been thinking about things way to much lately and have really been missing him. I was thinking today of how exciting it will be when we get to walk into church as a family. Me, my H and our S. I thank God for that day already...it will be the best day of my life!! My H is so dear to me...I miss him a ton but it's so hard still since I've distanced myself from him so much.

My friend I was hanging out with told me that he is "emotionally attached" to me...which is the same thing my H told me about OW....SCARY!! Anyway had to tell him we shouldn't talk and hang out anymore because he's going through a divorce too and I'm still trying to work on my marriage...he was depressed but I can't handle the complexity of that whole situation...his W started calling me and asking how much we talk and hang out...cut that one right off...I have enough problems.

Anyway...sorry for the extremely long post I'm just down tonight and had to get all this out before I go to bed...I'm sure I'll have a great day tomorrow...I think i'm gonna get my haircut so I can look hotter...everyone else notices how I look lately...that means my H has got to notice to

Hopefully my down self right now will get lifted back up since I have so much to be thankful for...my DBing is starting to pay off I think. Just a long road

[ForPeanut]

All I can say is YAY!!! Things are sounding pretty good right now for you! That bit of relationship temperature checking that you are able to do with the R of OW and your H is obviously doing good things for you. My only word of caution is that even though things are looking great, keep your expectations of him low. Visualizing the three of you together though is great! That is what pipeliners_wife has always told me to try to do. (I really struggle with it, it usually makes me sad rather than empowered.) If you can do it though, I think that is a very good sign. I would be very nervous about the overnight too. However, if you show your H that you trust him with your S, it may just be one more step and point for you. However, be careful, just like anything he does right now could affect custody if it becomes an issue in the future, the same holds for us too. If you show that you trust him to take S overnight now, a judge may be more likely to grant him overnights as a part of your arrangement. Trust me, I see both ways and have to apologize because my sitch is diff, I know, but right now, my guards are up so I just think of these things. Who knows, hopefully, you won't even have to worry about any of that.

I hope you have a good day today! Thanks for always checking in on me. I will keep you updated and please do the same!
~T

[cat03]

his W started calling me and asking how much we talk and hang out...cut that one right off...

me and the rest of the decent free world thank you

Hope the grass looks even less greener for your H, the ow fantasy seems to be wearing off reaaal fast, keepin gmy fingers crossed 4 u gal.

[hc3gal]

Last night I was talking with H's mom and we were trying to figure out an informal way for everyone to get together for Thanksgiving...including me and H. At first we were going to get together with his family at my place but I told my MIL that maybe she should check with H, he probably would want to have it at his place since it's his family...that's what he was upset about on S's b-day.

She called him and he really wanted to have it at his place and didn't sound too interested in having me there so after they made plans together and I got off the phone with MIL I texted H and told him "I appreciate your family's invite to desert on Thanksgiving but you guys get together with your family and have a great time." He didn't text back which is what I expected...I thought he was probably thinking "oh good finally I can get a break from seeing her." You know since I was down last night Then first thing this morning when I dropped S off with H he sat down on the arm of the couch and said in a nice caring voice "you know I don't mind if you come pick S up on Thursday when my family is getting together for desert." Yes folks, he said it himself, he didn't mind if I was there...my word...can u believe it. That is the first time in the history of our separation that my H in some sort of round about way invited me to something...now we're gettin somewhere Then he asked in his concerned caring voice what I've been up too...and I said I've been busy...couldn't really pinpoint anything huge that's been going on but reminded him I've been going to church...which I love...he asked "which church are you going to again?" This is like the 4th time he's asked...I'm really expecting him to show up soon since he keeps asking I also told him I was getting my haircut tonight and he seemed chipper about that.

I was in a hurry but he was very interested in my life all of sudden today...I wonder if it's because he's concerned I'm movin on. After I left his place this morning I cried on my way to work. To have good things happen after so much bad it's just hard to contain my feelings. Luckily I made it to my car before I got teary.

I've been waiting so long for something exciting like the things that have happened in last few days that I just can't contain my emotions I'm happy but so overwhelmed and confused and just keep talking myself down...what if all of these positive things really aren't what I think they are...I know I need to "think as if" but now that things may be getting better between us it's hard all of a sudden to know how to think, feel, act, speak, etc. I've been trying so hard for so long to contain my composure and have this overwhelming amount of self control...it almost feels weird to have my H doing and saying these nice things to me.

At lunch he brought S to me at work...he was kinda getting impatient with me and I just started laughing and asked him why he was getting so impatient with me...I joked with him. He was looking at a motorcycle magazine and calling on motorcycles...he's wanted one for years...I cheered him on and joked about wanting to get one too. His mind seemed very preoccupied...he mentioned out of the blue that he's been very stressed lately...didn't ask why...I decided I probably already knew what the answer was to my question. I was just wondering if maybe he wanted me to ask. I decided if he has something he wants to tell me then he'll probably go ahead and tell me when the time is right. He had told me this morning that he wasn't going to be around this evening for me to feed S so lunch was it. Then when he came at lunch he said "well I guess I can wait until after you get off work to go to watch my brothers wrestle so you can see S and feed him." Yes, once again...he did something that he knew was important to me. I was so happy.

When I went after work to feed S H was making a pizza and asked if I wanted one too...I told him I didn't want a whole one so he shared his with me and S. Once again he was very interested in my life and wondering why our friend called me instead of him. He said the only reason he would call me instead of him is if he wanted me and then went ahead and asked "does he want you." Why doesn't he want to talk to me...kept going on and on about it. Very weird because I think he thinks there was/is something going on with me and someone else. When I put S in H's truck he was still asking about friend and it was finally the time to tell H what friend had told me. I told H "you know friend told me something the other day that really made me teary and I don't get teary very often." H asked what it was that he said. I told him "he said you told him once, or a few times, that if anything happens to me promise that you'll take care of H~...promise you'll take care of her and my family." I got teary telling him and he had nothing to say...but what do you say to that. He said "i don't know why he'd tell you that" and "obviously i haven't talked to him in a long time." He got quiet and said he needed to go so he could get to wrestling. I feel like I don't want to guilt him into anything but sometimes he just needs to know what it is he cared about the most.

I went and got my haircut and hung out with my dog. I haven't heard from H tonight so we'll see how it goes in the morning.

[hc3gal]

Oh boy what a day. So I was just going to have a simple relaxing day today for Thanksgiving and wow...not so simple and relaxing. I was just going to drop S off with H and go to lunch and a movie with MIL since we are both removed from the family and weren't invited to do what the rest of H's family was doing.

MIL and I went to drop S off at his place. We told H we were going to lunch then a movie and all of a sudden H couldn't decide what he wanted to do and ended up wanting to go with MIL and I to lunch. He said "it's weird going to eat on Thanksgiving with you" and his mom didn't hear what he said so she questioned what he had said so I repeated "he said that it is weird going to lunch with me." So I said "then by all means, DON'T GO" which I didn't say very nice at all cause it kinda ticked me off then he said "no I'll go I guess I just won't tell someone" he said it really weird like he knew he was putting his foot in his mouth Didn't say her name just "someone." Basically, FYI I'm still with her...but it kinda makes me mad for the simple fact that he's not going to tell her that he's with me...is he trying to deceive her too??

It was weird because he wanted to go to this really nice place for their Thanksgiving buffet...which happened to be a place i've never heard of or been to before because it's new. He made it pretty clear that he had been there before...I'm sure with OW because they go to nice places together...H and I never went out to places that were that nice.

So I was thinking the whole time "this is a bad idea" but kept a good attitude and was nice to him. While we were eating he was trying to tell me what I should and shouldn't feed our S. It was weird but I just joked around and everytime I was going to feed S something I asked him if it was ok So then when the bill came it was way more expensive then we thought and we were all going to pay for our own...no problem right??!! H asked me if I was going to pay for my own and I said yes...then he asked if I had money to do it and I said "yah i have money it's no problem really"...so apparently since I was totally ok with paying for my own and was expecting to pay for it, he wanted to pay for mine. I'm guessing if I would have been expecting him to pay for mine he would have demanded I pay for my own...he just excused paying for it by saying "I have a running tab with you anyway." Can I tell you all I am not stupid...I knew what he was thinking...I just wish I knew what he was thinking more often

I think he was getting to feeling guilty about lunch and everything later though. I got together with him and his whole family later tonight and he got really quiet and depressed and even went to bed while everyone was still at his place...he does have to work graveyard tonight but he was in his room sleeping while everyone was visiting.

I just have this burning feeling inside me that something big is going to happen soon. I don't know exactly what it's going to be but I feel like he's either going to ask me to continue on with the papers I've filed or they're going to be over soon. OW is not going to be a happy camper when she finds out he was with me today, for quite a few hours no less. I'm confused at why he would go hang out with me and his mom if he knew that would make her pretty upset...why would he have gone??? anybody???

[ForPeanut]

I think YAY for you! At the very least, the holidays have gotten him thinking. He obviously isn't ready to jump into the pool just yet but he is putting his toes in to test the water. He was feeling jealous over you talking to his friend and got a bit mad when you told him why but that was probably only because he felt that guilt creeping in. He is keeping you at a distance by mentioning OW but isn't too worried about you spending time together. He could have had many excuses to not go to lunch. And it would have been very easy to let you pay your own. More guilt no doubt got him on that one. I think it sounds like you are really on your way! Like you said, something is going to happen. Although, it seems like it is going in your favor. Not that he couldn't decide that the closeness is too much and all of a sudden want that D now but it doesn't seem to be heading that way. Just keep doing what you are doing and let him lead. He needs to feel in control at the moment and know that you are not "manipulating" or "pushing" him back with you. Some big baby steps! Yay!
~T