just gettin started on my life w/o H

[hc3gal]

My H and I are both 24 and have been together 7.5 years and married 4 years. We are the only ones each other has ever been with.

My H just started working with OW in January and they became friends. H was in a band that needed a bass player and OW's H played bass so he joined the band also. My H and I with OW and her H hung out a few times but apparently my H and OW became closer over time...but secretly.

On May 31st OW's H went home to find his house empty and came to my house where he found OW and my H alone together...he came into my house and OW ran out the back door. OW's husband divorced her next day and all their stuff was split within the week. I believed my husband when he said nothing was going on and OW's H is just a freak, they were just talking.

My H made a point to be intimate with me that night even after I said that I wasn't really in the mood...he said "neither am I" and off we went. We were only intimate one more time after that.

Things with my H and I started to go downhill fairly rapidly and I kept asking him if he was having an A. He kept saying NO and asked "why do you keep asking me that." My H stopped touching me all together and stopped saying I love you.

Then came the talk July 12th, 2006. "I just don't know if I love you and want to be with you anymore." I packed his bags for him and said "well I guess you need to leave and figure it out for yourself." He went to live with his mom.

Two days after I kicked him out I received our cell phone bill and he had 20-40 texts to OW everyday for the past 2.5 months...even when he was supposedly sleeping during the day (he works graveyard). He was texting OW when he was with me and even on our Anniversary.

I didn't know what to do and did the natural thing and flipped out...said I wanted a D...and all went downhill from there. I had caught him with marijuana and pills and few months prior and so my councelor told me not to answer his phone calls or texts or allow him to see our 9 month old son.

I actually filed for D but didn't tell him. After I started reading The Divorce Remedy I came accross the retaliation piece the same night he was supposed to be served papers at work in front of OW. I called him at work and started balling and let him know that he was supposed to be getting served D papers and I didn't want a divorce and didn't know what I was doing. He replied by saying "I don't know what I'm doing!! Do you think I know what the F*** I'm doing??"

That was 2.5 months ago and now I can see all of the mistakes I made and WOW, the things I would have done differently.

I started going back to church the same weekend I found out he was cheating on me and he admitted he was having an emotional A. The Sunday school teacher at church recommended The Divorce Remedy and wow did that help me change my life.

I've backslid a couple times but for the most part I've done awesome in keeping up with my 180. My husband tested me constantly to see if I was going to do what he thought and freak out when new things arose but I didn't. He is still testing me but I'm standing my ground.

He never really mentions the OW but I know he does spend a lot of time with her and he is trying to get his mom to meet her. My H's mom and I are best friends and she has no desire to ever meet the OW, she thinks OW is the devil for being in a R with a married man w/ nursing infant.

My H grew up in a very conservative Christian home and attended an intensive Bible college.

After the intense begining and my 180 we were doing really well for a while until I found the drugs and am holding him accountable because of our son. He is so angry at me because I am not letting him spend time with our son without supervision until he proves that he is not doing drugs. He works at a jail but is smoking marijuana and drinking to cover up his pain...the jail doesn't do random drug tests so he's not affraid of getting caught.

He has told me that he is not dedicated to me right now and is not willing to give OW up but it's not a choice between me and OW.

He just moved into his apartment this last Thursday September 21st which he got a 1 year lease on, so apparently he's not planning on anything changing anytime soon. He has never been concerned with having nice posetions but he went out and fully furnished his apartment with brand new everything...including nice furniture which he bought yesterday.

I'm just wondering where my husband went because I truely don't know this man. Because of how different he is I have already detached greatly from him and when I look at him I don't even feel like the man standing in front of me is my husband.

I guess the million dollar question is "where did the man I married go...really???"

[cat03]

first of all I commend you for working so hard and holding up.

Where is that decent loving man we thought would never leave nor hurt us in this way?? in MLC land, the way u describe your H (spending $$, obsesive text msg -when in A my H's phone bill was 170-200$, bad habits). It is sad to see a shell of a man that once was exclusively ours turned into this manic idiot throwing caution to the wind and on the brink of loosing what really matters in this life, his family.

We call them aliens, when they turn like this, because they aren't the person we married, they would'nt have done such things. While the WAS is in limbo you just have to do what you are doing, detaching and protecting your little son, I totally agree with that.

My prayers your way and I hope eventually he hits rock bottom and sees what an @ss he's made of himself and comes back to his sences.

[hc3gal]

Thanks so much for your encouragement. It's so hard and frustrating to know what to do and say in this situation. My H hasn't talked to me in a week and a half now and has only seen our baby 1 time because he is avoiding me in hopes that I won't ask him to do another drug test I think. This weed thing is making me his enemy...I'm just praying he'll stop using and this time will pass, and my DB will get back on track again. Things were going pretty well before...now I'm a little discouraged but distanced more from not talking with him.

I think you are right though...they are truely aliens. My husband has a cupboard full of variety of hard A and frig full of beer and girly drinks for OW. He furnished his entire appartment with really nice top of line stuff...which wouldn't be weird but my husband was NEVER like this....he didn't care much about those things before.

I was chatting with some friends yesterday and they saw my H at a big community event a week ago with OW and my H tried to hide her. Why would he try to hide her from everyone...that's not the first time.

Any encouragement is appreciated. Good luck to everyone on their DB!

[cat03]

I hope your are doing better today, I just read that the average MLC COULD last from 6-8mths (then again, there are tons of people here with more-less time enduring this, it did take my H about that time to 'wake' up)

For the first 3mths my H also avoided me and couldn't even look me in the eye, it is the guilt that gets them. Wake up every morning and decide to be happy, to MAKE yourself happy and to be strong. This is a long road, have you considered going to a T or a woman's support group? it helped me tons, I also had 2 good friends who supported me through all this mess.
Don't be afraid to ask for help, ok? take care.

[hc3gal]

Cat03, where did your H live while u were separated?? Did he go out and buy a bunch of stuff to prove he's not comming home anytime soon?? I feel like my H is trying to prove to me and himself that our marriage really won't work and that he's not comming home.

Yesterday H was at my house with MIL who was watching our son. My H was very short with me and grumpy. He wanted me to get the bills together and this and that right now. I started to get frazzled then told him "they're just not ready right now...I'll let you know when they are." I was very calm and nice. I asked him how his apartment is and he was sarcastic in saying "peachy!" I said I'd heard that he got some really nice furniture and he said "yah, it's great!" Once again completely sarcastic. I almost had to smurk at his grumpyness and sarcasm towards me. He wouldn't have conversation with me and when I wouldn't do what he wanted right then he said "whatever guess we'll do it tomorrow." Didn't say bye to our son or anything. I asked him when he opened the door "are you leaving." He said yes. I told him "bubba says bye and mommy says bye." He didn't reply...just closed the door.

What the heck...to act this way with his baby who doesn't see him much and loves him so much. Could he not stand the thought of seeing my face anymore...is he that guilty...or does he just hate me??

[hc3gal]

So...wow...where do I start...my husband called Saturday night and I almost didn't answer the phone because I didn't want to hear him yell and cuss at me and my baby and I were watching a movie on the couch together falling asleep. But I thought...what the heck I'll answer it. He was nicer than he has been in a long time and asked me "What do I need to do....I miss Connor so much and I want to watch him on Monday??" We actually had a nice civil chat about the situation and he asked me to come see his apartment Sunday afternoon. I said I would come drop off the carseat and highchair for him and he was happy about that.

Sunday came and I went to his new apartment with all his new stuff. Of course....yes it was definately weird to be there where I know OW visits. But on his dresser I saw his wedding ring...in clear view for the world to see and for him to see each time he walks in/out of his room. Does that mean anything to anyone....why would he have his wedding ring on top of the dresser, in sight, when it could be in the dresser, out of sight???? I'm shocked OW hasn't put it away for him. By the way he's been acting around me the last three days I'm praying to God that she is gone with the wind!!!!!

When I wanted to leave yesterday he asked if I had plans...why was I leaving so soon...he wanted to know where I was going...I told him we didn't have any plans, I was just going to go home...then he offered me a soda out of his fridge.

Today he watched our son and when he came to pick him up this morning he stayed at my house, laid on the couch with our baby and fell asleep to a Disney movie. He brought our baby to lunch so I could nurse him and mentioned our son's b-day party....he's turning 1 on the 19th...and said in a very concerned voice that he didn't know what to do about going to the b-day party. I told him that a couple people actually told me that if he's not there they will physically go get him....they said he's not missing his son's first b-day....so H was happy to hear that people wanted him to be there. He did ask "do u think people will be mean to me??" I assured him it would be fine so he said that he was going to go to the party and was helping me plan the date, time, location etc.

When I picked baby up this evening at H's apartment I stayed only a few moments to nurse baby and then mentioned to H that we were going out with cousins and H said "you're going to do that tonight." Yeap! He sounded sad...like he was missing out...which he does miss out everyday...it makes me sad for him...wish he could share in the awesome times I have everyday with our son, friends and family.

What is the deal with his all of a sudden intense interest in our family and friends??? He stated he misses seeing our nephew and our friends kids. I feel like maybe he's starting to see reality...to some extent anyway!!

What does everyone think of these all of a sudden changes?? I want to think that they're all treasures but don't want to gets my hopes of the future too far up!

[cat03]

but don't want to gets my hopes of the future too far up!

Yes, that's pretty much what you should be doing, don't keep your hopes up, dont LOOSE hope, just dont' expect much of him.

Also, dont' read too much into the ring, it could/could not mean anything, don't make a whole story about something he prob didnt' think much off, could be he just put it there thoughtlessly. I honeslty don't want to burst your bubble, but I've been there and done that.

They all get those moments in which for a few secs they act half human, next week he could be back to his sarcastic standoffish self, please remember that.
2 or 3 wks after he left he actually called once and wonder where was I, what was i thinking. Then next week, blam! back to the zombie who wouldn't even look at me.

My H also would tell me "too much has happened, how can I face everyone after all this?" luckily I'd kept the separation from my family, only 2 people knew. I found myself telling him this over and over again throught the months he was away "it will be hard work, but we can rebuild our M, (he's ask me why I wanted him back) I love you, it would be worth to work on it, there is so much to gain if you want to come back and so much too loose" mind you, I'd only talk R when he'd bring it up.

About the appt and the stuff he bought, again, when they are in MLC they dont' think twice about throwing money on such things, my H shared a room on an appt but all his money went on expensive outings, jewelry, a very expesive phone w/a contract (as if he'd plan to have it forever) etc etc.
Don't mention his stuff or any other thing about his purchases, you're bound to get more sarcastic responses and would lead nowhere, he'll just feel smug that he is "living it up" now.

[hc3gal]

Did anyone elses H want to separate all of the bills and change address and separate everything. My H did and has and still continues to. I've started to change his part of the bills to his address so I don't have to give him the bills anymore.

Today was just an off day...I've been doing really well but H's mom whom I'm best friends with asked H today how him and OW are doing and of course since she never asks him and never wants to meet OW he said nothing but "OK." She said "that's too bad I was hoping you'd say you guys broke up, you'd come back to your senses and wanted to get back with your wife." Apparently that's not the case yet though. His mom told him that she was worried she was going to loose me because men are flocking to me and wanting to hook up with me and even though I say I'm not interested now it's only a matter of time. He kept asking her....who is it that is interested in her...and his mom said he had a genuine concern about who was interested in me and what it would be like with Connor having another daddy. His mom told him that our son since he's so young would probably call the new man daddy and my H was disturbed at that thought but reluctantly agreed that that is a possibility...very unsettling but a possibility.

Needless to say after hearing that OW is still alive is a bit of a bummer but not that shocking....I have just been hoping and praying that my H would begin to see the light and get rid of her!

One plus is that going on 7 days running he is still being nice and brought me lunch at work a couple days this week and even called last night to see how our son is doing....which he hasn't done in atleast a month. Still some positive changes even though she's not gone. I actually feel slightly like he's atracted to me and wants to be around me more....which is always a good sign I guess.

[RBinBR]

This advice may seem odd at first, but you've ultimately got to stop hoping and just give it to God and let him take care of it. Your H has a ways to go before he's ready to give up the OW, and God is going to use this to teach you far greater patience than you knew you could learn. You need to be prepared for the long haul and come to grips with the fact that this is likely to be a long process.

[ForPeanut]

Just wanted to stop in and let you know that I am there with you. (click my thread to hear my saga) My H and I have been together 8 years and are just now preg with our first so it is encouraging to me that even though your H doesn't always show he is interested in your son, maybe they can come through and have some sense of family.

The nice thing with you and his new place is that he has allowed you to be there and see it. You can at least keep tabs on what kind of envir your son will be visiting.

My H also has started using marij (pretty sure-hasn't admitted it but all his friends he is now hanging out with are daily users). I have been very worried about how this will affect his visits and if I can somehow monitor this. Obviously he isn't telling me the truth about a lot of things and certainly wouldn't about something like that.

I too am counting on the OW theory of only lasting 6-8 mos. My H has been involved with his OW for about 5 mos so I am hoping that we are getting to the end of this. A social worker I talked to told me that same stat and said that it is probably good that he spends so much time with her so that he has time to see her for who she really is and get sick of her. (if he is going to) She also said that even if they do stay together, usually, just like with rebound romances, it will be an unhappy 1-2 year R or M for them and then he will be "on the street" again and by then, we will have moved on.

I will check in soon, you seem to be on the right track and I am still trying to get there. We can use all the help we can get right? Keep doing what you are doing to DB and give your son tons of hugs! Hopefully one day soon our Hs will wake up and decide they want their families back and be willing to do what it takes to keep us.