I primarily post on the MLC board, although i have posted on this one from time to time.
How many of you have an S who is having a hard time breaking the addiction... breaking free from OP?
My H has "broken up" with OW like 5 or 6 times (i've lost track). In my H's case, I think he initiates going back to her when things feel less than perfect here at home. Then 2-3 days later he comes back and wants to "work on the M". ALthough, i should say, the first time he was gone for a month and the second he was gone for two. Then after that, he only goes for a few days.
When is the last time the last time? When is the breakup final? How many times does it take to break the addiction?
I think every time they go back it is like starting over from square one. Only you can decide how much you are willing to take. That is the big problem and really prevents the relationship from ever being healthy...I am sure you are on constant guard and are nervous to ever make him upset because he may bolt at any time.
I am in the same situation...we are hopefully just about to enter the second break...the first lasted less than a week. I wish I knew how to get past this stage...it is very hard to work on a marriage when your S is in the state of any time they get upset they are bolting. Fixing a broken marriage is hard work and there are going to be some upset feelings and hard times.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Quote: think every time they go back it is like starting over from square one.
I'm not sure I agree with this. I think it's possible that each time they go back, they remember once again why they left OW to begin with.
In my case, everytime I "let him go" to be with her, he seems to come back saying that he wants the M. My H's time periods have been less. Like I said, first it was 1 month. Then 2 months. Now he's been "back" with me since May, but has gone to her a day here a day there. Each time after spending a day or two with OW, he comes back and says he wants to wokr on the M. I always "let him go" to be with her, and he comes back on his own. I don't force him and I don't threaten him.
So, the question is... is it part of the process? My MC says yes... that sometimes they go back and forth in order to straighten out in their own heads what is going on. Sometimes it is necessary to see it through with OW to get thorugh it. But when does that end?
HI aidandylan, -your H is cycling,back and forth.Evidently he can't break the cycle and you are going to have to break it.I can't imagine "letting" him keep going back.I would have to detach and say o.k. ,either you want to be with her or be w/me.You detach yourself and then work on you and start DBing.I agree with other poster that it would be like starting over each time.(If a person is an alcoholic they can't keep having just one drink,they have to stop completely.) I know you are afraid and don't want to lose your H,most here feel the same,but if he is still seeing/OW you don't completely have him now.You can't be agreeable to his behavior.K
I'd like to chime in from the H's point of view. I don't know if this will help you, but reading your post has helped me. So, I am compelled to contribute.
In my case, I work very closly with the OW, and struggled with the same pattern as your H. As it was explained to me, and what is finally helping me break the cycle, is that the OW is an addiction, and like any other addiction, recovery is riddled with pitfalls. A luring glance, comment or even an email would cause me to stumble when just the night before I was distraught with remorse and determined not to stray again. It's a difficult hurdle to overcome. H needs to deal, honestly, with the reasons that caused the A. Keeping the OW out of the equation. When things clear up, I'm betting that he will see the OW for what she truly is.
Best Wishes, mike
"Just as there is a calm before the storm, there is also a storm before the calm."
Mike, Sorry you're going through this. I think I can speak for many of us, we do like to hear the other point of view. Hopefully we can provide that other point of view for you. I give you a lot of credit in trying to break the addiction. Good for you.
As far as my sitch, my H did it AGAIN. He spend the day with OW again yesterday and lied about it, when just yesterday morning in marrige counseling, he said things were great (which I thought as well) and he wanted to move back home. We had a great week and weekend together. We were connecting. Things were getting back to normal, but in some ways they were even better. I guess they weren't good enough.
When I finally found out that he's still taking to her and had most likely spend the day with her, i finally told him i was done and that i made the choice for him... the he can go with her. GOD, I hope i did the right thing. But this is now the sixth time he has "slipped" and gone back to her in one capacity or another. That's just too many times, right? i mean at this point, he needs to stop cake eating and start feeling the true pain of losing me and our life together. UGH... I hope I did the right thing.
MIke, Here's what I want to understand... you love your wife but are having a hard time staying away from OW. I dont' get that. I feel like if my H wants to be with OW, that means he doesn't love me or want me. I feel like second best.
Your decision to make a stand. What else can you do? I think from reading your posts in the other thread, that H is feeling helpless and without direction. It was definatly your move. It sounds like he wants to get over the OW. Rest assured, she is tempting him now more than ever. He needs to realize this, and stay the course. Now, when he comes back crying, you need to be firm with him. Tell him that this A has to end now. This sounds tripe, but you have to fight to save your marriage.
This next para will probably get me black listed, or at the very least piss some women off here. but here goes..
Why was it so hard to stay away from the OW? She tempted me. I'm going to put this bluntly. Sex is a powerful drug, men are weak and certain (less scrupulous) women know how to use that. Especailly one that is desperate. recently divorced, in the proccess or otherwise on the rebound.. I'm not saying that I was the victim.. All I am saying is that I was caught up in the "fantasy-land".
Quote: Why was it so hard to stay away from the OW? She tempted me. I'm going to put this bluntly. Sex is a powerful drug, men are weak and certain (less scrupulous) women know how to use that. Especailly one that is desperate. recently divorced, in the proccess or otherwise on the rebound.. I'm not saying that I was the victim.. All I am saying is that I was caught up in the "fantasy-land".
I hear what you're saying, and I do beleive this was definately one piece of it. It seems that she is every guy's fantasy... loves sports, plays pool and golf and apparently is good in bed. Now when you're with the same person for 13 years and married 7 with two young kids, let's face it... sex often becomes very routine. I get it. So that's one of the things we agreed to work on when he first came back. So, we worked on it and made great progress. But still, she has a hold on him. I just don't understand it... i just don't.
He is DEFINATELY addicted... either that or he's really in love with her and can't live without her. But if that was the case, why has he tried so many times to come back to me. This sucks and i'm so sick of it.
Anyway, it's great to get your perspective. we all go running to JM with these questions. Now we have another resource (lucky you!).
