Quote: Wouldn't that just add fuel to the flame as well. Making them think that they are right? By sticking around and showing love through actions at least we are still putting doubt in their mind about their decisions they are making. Even if they do not show it.
No, anything you do to fight against them may be morally and spiritually "right" in terms of your marriage but in terms of their perspective, it only serves to prove them right about the one thing that is most damning; you don't respect them or care what they think.
Think about it. They have the OP comforting them, agreeing with them, telling them how much we are not "right" for them, how much we don't care and ultimately, that we will NEVER understand them the way THEY do!
When you put up a wall and refuse to even accept, AT ALL, her THOUGHTS/FEELINGS of the marriage being crap, it supports her already existing view that you cannot be a viable partner. I know it is totally counter-intuitive and goes against logic to an extent, but if you really approach your sitch as having no right and wrong, only different perspectives/interpretations of the same marital history then you can realize that trying to be "right" and more importantly, prove her "wrong", even by most all moral standards she is, only puts you on the wrong side of the battle.
It's such a horrible thing to try to figure out. Where does the line exist between condoning these feelings/actions and simply validating their existence. Validation is often confused with agreement. It is not, or more specifically, it's not agreement with the action/feelings you are validating, just agreement with the fact that they are HER feelings/actions and you acknowledge them. In your example, the convo may go something like...
WAS: Our marriage sucks and I think divorce would be best right now. We've NEVER been good together! LBS: Wow, it must hurt to feel like the past xx years were a waste. I agree, things could have been better. I know you feel they were always bad. That really hurts to think about. While I know you feel that way, and understand why you do, I don't really agree. If you want to talk about it some time, I'd like that.
That's in contrast to the all-too-familiar reply from us LBS's...
"What do you mean. We have ALWAYS been good together. What are you talking about. Don't you know how terrible divorce will be for the kids? Think about someone else but yourself here. I love you and I need you to understand how wrong you are about things. We can work this out. You need to stop seeing this guy and come back to me. This is just wrong and you know it!"
The point is that you HAVE to accept what she says as valid, if only to HER. Trying to make her think she's crazy is not really the way to win her heart but then again, condoning an affair isn't either.
Whatever you do to try to prove to her that she's wrong in how she feels is likely to make her feel worse about you. I know that sucks but in many cases it's true, especially when there is some a$$hole telling her she's 100% right. Who do you think she's going to FEEL better about?
Don't get me wrong, there ARE times where I think validation, no matter how well done, crosses the line to a$$kissing and enabling bad behavior but then again, this whole thing we are doing here walks that line all the time so WTH, why not this too?
You just have to read a lot, books, posts, whatever and then internalize all you get, eventually forming a personal way of doing all this. Post what you are doing and listen to what people say. If you agree, learn and move on. If you disagree, debate, learn and then move on.
It's a process. It's a journey and it CAN be done successfully! I may not be testament to that yet, but many others are.
