Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

Now to selfishly divert attention back onto my sitch for a second. Since the big event last monday, things have been a bit different. W has been trying to do more as a mom and as a person. She's more interested in doing things like cooking dinner or taking S4 out to do things. She even got really upset on Monday because her apple picking trip turned out to be a bit of a flop. She said "I just can't compete with you" and "I'll never have a normal life" basically totally down on herself. I feel bad for her, but this process is a good thing for her, to finally start pushing her way through her issues rather than being a slave to them. I wish she had addressed them within the context of our marriage, but she didn't.

Last night she went out to therapy, so I put S4 to bed and sat down to do some reading. The book I was reading (Boundaries) was missing from the nightstand! I looked in the bookcases and couldn't find it. When my W got home I confronted her about it and she said with a nasty little smirk on her face "It's my book. It's written with a slant that fits right into your little perspective right now - you can just pick and choose what you want to take out of it." She basically refused to give it back. I don't get it - it seems that she's trying to even control what I think now. She's censoring my thoughts by preventing me from reading this book. If she's walking away and leaving me, what difference does it make to her what I think? I don't get it. It doesn't really matter, does it?

In the end I think she's just really scared of what she's doing and her life ahead. I think she doesn't have the self confidence to go forward and know she'll make it and be better than just fine. I think she expects to fail, and doesn't even want to try. To me, her affair is symbolic of wanting to see something through, to have it define her, as a way of undoing all of the past failures in her life. She sees this as something so significant to her, yet it can not make up for all the little things she hasn't accomplished or seen through to completion in her life. Neither will it do anything for her going forward the way accomplishing little day to day goals will for her happiness or success going forward in life. Well there's nothing I can do to help her with this. She's in a huge amount of turmoil because part of her wants me to and is angry that I can't and haven't made everything all better for her, and part of her is angry at herself because she's put herself in this position where she's beneath other people including me, and is angry at me for being in a better place than she is. I try not to rub it in, but I guess when she says things like "I just can't cook this right" and I chime in that she's doing a great job, but that she shouldn't forget to have fun with it, it is something she could take as me trying to fix her. I guess I am in a way, because I hate to see her miserable. I want her to feel strong and happy and seeing her so down on herself is frustrating to her and to me. I take on responsibility for her feelings about herself. I know I can't and I have nothing but good intentions, but I do this and then she resents me for it and doesn't recognize the boundaries between us. She thinks it's my place to take care of her feelings.