Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

As for history I agree both sides paint a selective picture that fits their side of situation as they see it...but I don't know if that is 100% true

I think the fact we acknowledge that we do this demonstrates that we are interested in truth. Our minds are open enough to look at more than just the good side of the equation. I tend to think that the history is looked upon as a source of negative facts to support their motivation to leave, not the other way around. In my case my W has acknowledged that she had an "awakening" as a result of this affair - it's not like she was sitting around thinking of a way out of the miserable problematic situation. She's got a convenient list of grievances to make her case with now, but it's funny how they never pointed to things being hopeless before.

At least in my case my WAS still fights any notion that the OM is part of the problem. I have stopped fighting this battle because it is pointless but I truly believe that if the OP was not in any of our situations things would not be as bad.

Agreed. They are trying to convince themselves of this as well. They are trying to see two things that are now fused as separate - it's not possible. They are trying to reconcile what they have done and justify it. This is not to say that there aren't issues - all relationships have issues. It's just the conclusions drawn from this evidence are not responsible, mature decisions, rather they are fueled by selfish lust.

Another reason I want my W out...let her actually live in the real world...with bills...a job...real problems

I can certainly relate to this. It's easy to blame someone for not being good enough when you don't take responsibility for your own well being. How difficult is it for you to say to someone "you just don't do that well enough for me"? Again, it's the comparison of a real person against a fantasy. We're not good enough because we don't meet their expectations. What they don't realize yet is that the OP doesn't either - they just haven't yet separated their projection from reality.

One thing I would caution you on is dating other people. If you have any interest in you marriage, I would not do this. I think you are condoning her actions, in a sense, also it can be perceived as trying to get revenge. I would just focus on living a full and well rounded life without a love interest for the moment.