Muddle's Waters IV

[SRTogacihC]

Yes, I have no doubt we remember our history selectively as well. We need to give ourselves reason to put ourselves through this, right? I have read in countless places that as long as one spouse fights for the marriage and hangs on saying it was great or worthwhile, etc, the other spouse lets it go. As counter intuitive as it sounds, if we were to all of a sudden start to talk about how horrible the marriage was with our spouse and how happy we are that we're getting out of this rotten mess, I think it will give them pause and they might turn around and defend it, even just a little bit.

This is so true that it seems to me the more we fight to save it the more they resist. My situation while still young compared to some of you veterans...I constantly find this...I get up the strength/resolve to push away and stop trying to fight the situation and the W senses this and then she sucks me back in and gives me hope and then I start trying again and she pulls away and says she needs space. I am finding it so hard not to get pulled back in...I pull away...I feel strong...she starts feeding me emotion and affection...something I am truly longing for inside and I start this sick cycle over again of trying to give it back to her only for her to resist.

It happenned to me just this weekend...sunday I decided that I was going to watch the football games out of the house...nowhere in particular...did not tell her where I was going...just really wanted to get away because I was feeling a little sorry for myself and did not want to do that in front of her...well she tells me she wants me to stay and just veg on the couch together and watch...that is nice but I think I will probably go out...of course a few minutes later she comes up to me and gives me the most passionate kiss I have experienced in a month...well of course now I am staying...she flippin pulls my strings like a puppet to get her way...she knows how that will affect me. I am not sure if it is real or not or if she is just that manipulative.

This is probably the main reason I am forcing a separation in my case...I just can't take being around her all of the time...I cannot detach if I am constantly in her presence. I do good for hours/days at a time but then I see her and I start falling in love again and start feeling needy for affection...she is willing to give me affection to a limit but it is almost not real because I know the OM is what is constantly on her mind. I know if I could truly detach and stop feeding her any love/attention she would come seeking me and looking for it from me. At this point I just do not have the strength to play that game as well as I need to. With us being apart I think I might be able to do it a little better. She constantly tells me to give her space but when I do she comes seeking me for some attention and of course I probably go overboard...I guess it is a positive that I realize I am doing this and realize what is happenning, now the hard part of trying to control the situation better.

I really need to GAL...I have been better about that but it is still not really good enough as I look for attention from her far too often. I know I need to let her chase me and not give in so easily. One reason I would kind of like to start seeing other women...even though she says she wants me to do this I know it would bother her...maybe she wants to be bothered by it so she can desire me more?

As for history I agree both sides paint a selective picture that fits their side of situation as they see it...but I don't know if that is 100% true...I acknowledge we had problems in our marriage but I just can't see why problems can't be fixed...everyone can learn to do things better so some of the same things are no longer problems. The WAS seems to take the stance as everything is FUBAR and cannot be fixed...too late to change anything...I don't want to try...etc...seems hard to fight that mentality. I guess the way to fight it is to just give in and agree and make changes in yourself...it is so fruitless to try to convince the WAS to change...any hint of that and they pull away farther.

At least in my case my WAS still fights any notion that the OM is part of the problem. I have stopped fighting this battle because it is pointless but I truly believe that if the OP was not in any of our situations things would not be as bad. The OP feeds our WAS...gives them false relief...a fantasy land to escape too...I just do not know how to compete with fantasy land when I live in the real world. Another reason I want my W out...let her actually live in the real world...with bills...a job...real problems...let the escape of the OP become less of an escape when they can see them any time and it does not become special and anticipated...let the OP deal with my W all of the time and let her vent on him sometimes...let the fantasy A become more real...

In the end I keep telling myself is this worth fighting for? What am I fighting for? As much as I love my W do I want her back? How will it ever be good again? How does it go from this totally messed up situation to something healthy again...it just does not seem possible sometimes...but then I see other on this board who have managed to do it...I don't know...my plan is to drift with the tide...stop swimming against it...let it carry me where it will...