Just got back from our first therapy session. It was sort of interesting, trying to explain the situation and our perspectives on it as well as our history together in a short 45 minutes. I let my W talk a lot without my interuption. I think she's very comfortable with the therapist, so that's a good thing.
The theme that I kept hearing from her is that of being trapped, feeling that she's treated like a child (that I'm parenting her) and that there's this yet undetermined personal significance that ending this relationship has to her. It's a little strange that we talked about this, because it seems that she's still seeking justification, or feels the need to justify ending things, and I still sort of have the need to express that I think it's not the right thing to do, even though I acknowledged my acceptance that it is over and that there are likely better people out there for me to be with.
The therapist acknowledged that we both have a lot of resentment, and that this is likely escalating the slightest conflict into something more like an argument. It's really upsetting to me though that I walked away from that session feeling like our relationship really is salvageable, but now my questions are about whether I really want it any more. I do and I don't. I guess I need to drop all of my expectations and just try and learn whatever I can from this opportunity and let things develop into whatever they will. I do have to say that before we left to go I was thinking "what is our goal here? What are we trying to accomplish?" because it's a bit difficult to let go of the save-this-marriage-at-all-costs perspective. I have a hard time putting things in the perspective of "how would I approach this if the affair weren't a part of it?" It's a difficult proposition, because it complicates everything. I can't really know for sure how my my stubborn will to survive this is clouding my sensibilities. I guess more time will tell. I just have to keep my mind open, and look out for the good of my boy.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
