The weekend was quiet. Not much to report. Things are much the same, W blaming me and making things as unpleasant as possible. I was openly enjoying the beautiful day and she sat there in the car pouting, then proceeded to complain about how I handled something or other. Who cares? Just be happy. I am, and I prefer to be happy around others who are, but I will be happy regardless.

It's kind of a weird time right now, like I'm sitting in anticipation of a real nasty storm, not sure which way it's going to come from, or how it's going to present. I am thankful for the opportunity this situation has presented me with, because I have been able to make many mistakes and actually be self-aware enough to look at my participation in them and change. Hopefully I won't make the same mistakes again. Not just relationship mistakes, but personal character mistakes. Not only have I worked on myself for the sake of my next relationship, but I have really changed some key aspects of my self for the better. I feel like I am conceding defeat here, and in some ways I have finally laid down my weapons - something I probably should have done months ago. The scope of this fight though is far greater than just the current battle.

There's this struggle in me between proving I love my W and just giving it all up. I can't do for her what it takes for her to see that I care. I do care, and on some level she knows that I really do. I will continue to be kind and loving in my own way - whether she wants to acknowledge it or not is her choice. The difficult thing for me is that it does matter more than I'd like it to how she sees me. I know she's choosing to see me as antagonist, and her enemy. I'd like to see that my love and compassion and caring means something in a more universal sense, not just as a means to acheive an agenda, but as something that stands alone in its own right. Unfortunately, the perspective of others is out of my control, or even influence, and I have to accept things as they are.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein