Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

I'm not sure what I said really did justice to the point I was trying to make. I'm of the opinion that my W expects our relationship (or the person in my role in our relationship) to make up for her difficiencies. Some of the issues she has with me have been that I haven't effectively acted as an extension of her - she's got issues with social anxiety disorder, so when we are in a situation where social interaction must take place, she knows what she wants said and done, but I am expected to execute it, and of course I can't do it the way she would so she feels let down by me, and by herself for allowing her fear to prevent her from doing what she could have done well. So, I'm to blame for not executing properly what I should have. I may be happy with how I handled the interaction, but she's not because she's got her own issues invested in it deeper down, and she won't address these because she's got me to blame. So now she's got this person who is so into her because he's getting to feel the way he wants to feel that she doesn't feel the insecurity, but rather the total acceptance of this other person. This is a substitute for real self esteem - external validation. This allows her not to change, but yet to FEEL differently about herself. This is the sense that I mean she's looking for the relationship to do something for her. I accept her for who she is and love her unconditionally. I can't make her feel like a better person than she does because her issues lie in her own self knowledge and self image. I can't make her feel differently about herself because I can't take responsibility for her self image. It's out of my control.

The other part of this is that in a stage 1 relationship, the feelings of love are passively experienced. There's no work involved, and things come naturally. So in a sense that other person just being in your life gives you a rush of self worth and euphoria. Your brain chemistry is altered, and it seems that in a lot of cases this medicates the depression a lot of these people were experiencing beforehand. So, in this sense also the relationship is doing something for the person who somewhat passively is engaged in it. Now when you look at a stage 2 relationship, you have two people who are living their own lives together. The feelings of support and growth and stability, etc are all there, but the sensations associated with a stage 1 relationship are not there. The expectations on the relationship are different, even if it can be equally rewarding. Both parties need to carry their own weight now to have a successful relationship. Both parties need to be responsible for their happiness and life, even if they have the input of their partner. I think this is why the word partner appeals to me, because it's not about having someone to save you or complete you, but rather about having someone be your equal and share life's joys and sorrows with, and whose input into your own self growth is indespensable because through your intimacy, their knowledge of your inner workings and their perspective on you and your life is trusted and valued.

Both parties have to be dedicated to their path and responsible for this - yet together you have more resources for being effective at this. You are also accountable to someone else. This to me is real love, to accept each other totally, faults and all, and disregard your immature expectations, but work together under agreements for the true benefit of each other, not under the auspices of fixing or completing or saving the other. True equality. Not forcing change by inspiring fear, but by advancing the good in the other and self through love. The healthy relationship does not come out of selfish need, but rather out of love for oneself, life and the other.