I think a big 180 for me will be to ignore my W's feelings of inadequacy prompted by me doing something I'm convicted about and NOT thinking to myself "it's her problem, she's a smart person who knows what the right thing to do is and she'll come around eventually", but actually standing up against her with conviction. Now is the time to show her what she's doing to her life and her family. Now is the time to show her that I will do what a man needs to do to protect and provide for his family, whether she wants to be a part of that family or not. I will do so by forging ahead with things my own way - fairly and justly - regardless of her take on things. I will not coddle her. I will not be her friend. I will not condone what she's doing, in any way. No more trying to understand why, or explain it away. No more ignoring things for the sake of her guilt or feelings. No more subverting my own feelings and needs for her sake, to sacrifice for something that probably isn't worth sacrificing for (because if I sacrifice myself - half of the relationship - for it, what good is it then anyway?). Take what's out there worth taking, because if I am nice and good, no one's going to give me anything. I'm taking back my life, and if she decides through this process that she wants a part of it, then will see whether it's worth it then.
I feel like I've said this before, but now I have a better grasp on just where I was wrong. I'm sure I'll be here yet again with an even better picture. Whatever the case is, I'm maintaining my momentum and forging forward with my life.
Oh yeah, I wanted to mention a little episode that happened last night. I got home sort of late from my second job. My good friend loaned me disc 4 of the second season of LOST. Awesome show. I have been totally hooked on it since I watched the whole first season over the course of a month during the summer. I popped in the disc and watched an episode. S4 got up. I had him go to the bathroom and then tried to get him back down. W came upstairs asking whether something was up. She heard footsteps. I told her it was ok, that I had it under control. I put S4 back in bed and went across the hall to my room. He got up again later and we were talking a little bit. W calls the home phone number from her cell and asks me what's going on. I told her I was in the process of trying to find out, but that I couldn't because I was talking to her. I told her not to worry about anything, that I had it covered. She told me she was worried and that "just because you have the priveledge of sleeping upstairs you get to take care of him now." I told her she was welcome to come up, but she didn't need to because I was taking care of it. She then said something about me not caring about her feelings. I told her that I wanted to address him and see why he was up, and AGAIN she told me that I didn't care about her feelings. I told her addressing why our son was up was what was important to me at the moment and hung up. So, her feelings are more important even to her than our son getting the treatment and attention he deserves?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
