Quote: Unfortunately, she's got a problem with me doing anything or having any ideas about doing anything that she's not privy to, or rather, not in control of. I have tried to talk about a really fair way of dividing the finances (taking all of the bills and regular household expenses into account and then dividing all of the income above that equally between us) but she's opposed to even looking at things that way. She has such a hard time looking at anything I have put together because it makes her feel like I'm teaching her something complicated and she feels dumb because she can't grasp it.
If she doesn't care about you anymore, why would this be a problem. Sounds like she is playing you like a puppet. "Jump Muddle!" "How high W?" Ya know?
Quote: I know that the mother usually gets custody and because she's the primary caregiver, she will likely get custody.
Really? You KNOW this? Muddle, talk to a lawyer!!! This may not be the case. Don't assume anything!!
Quote: And the sad thing is that she always takes this as me not caring about her feelings. Well, if that's how it has to be, it's how it has to be. I need to do what's right and good, regardless of how it makes her feel.
This also sounds crazy to me and contradictory. Again, she is acting like a spoiled child and you are feeding into it; bending over backwards to make her happy. STOP!! This is really going to cause her to lose respect for you. Stand up for yourself Muddle. Reading your posts I know you can do it and I know you know that you should but somehow you always cave to her ways and outbursts and crumble. I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm just telling it from how I see it. I'm not in your house so I could be totally off base.
Quote: If she doesn't care about you anymore, why would this be a problem. Sounds like she is playing you like a puppet. "Jump Muddle!" "How high W?" Ya know?
Yeah, I get you here. I guess I'm concerning myself too much with why she might be doing this, in my attempt to empathize with her, and I'm ignoring the implications this has for me. Again, I'm ignoring my personal boundaries to try and accomodate her - to try and understand her and help her be happy. To fix her. But in the process I lose part of myself because I cease to be a whole person. I need to push back regardless what her reason is for pushing me. This has been a difficult lesson for me to learn because through all of this - through most of my life even - I have had a live and let live attitude but in so doing I haven't pushed back enough to keep my W in her place, focused on herself.
Quote: This also sounds crazy to me and contradictory. Again, she is acting like a spoiled child and you are feeding into it; bending over backwards to make her happy. STOP!! This is really going to cause her to lose respect for you. Stand up for yourself Muddle. Reading your posts I know you can do it and I know you know that you should but somehow you always cave to her ways and outbursts and crumble. I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm just telling it from how I see it. I'm not in your house so I could be totally off base.
I don't think you're off base. I think you're right on. It's a power struggle, and I always somehow let her win - not for being right, but for screaming the loudest. No more. I have in fact really changed in that I don't try and appease her anymore. I do what I do and shrug off her noise. This kills her, and she still tries to use this as a reason I should change, but the fact is that I'm me, if she doesn't want me as I am and respect and appreciate the potential I possess as a person, then she can take a walk. I'm done trying to live up to her expectations. I won't and can't make her happy. I will live my life to the best of my ability.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, I am on no sleep and need to get about 3 hours before I have to wake up again, but had to chime in here. Surely you have a Visa card - CHARGE the atty. retainer fee; there is no better reason to go into debt right now than to take ahold of your life and quit guessing about stuff. Find the best one you know and put in on the CARD, my brother. I don't advocate drowning in debt, but this kind of knowledge and UNBIASED assistance and action, is worth every penny. Please consider it.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I think good people do try and understand the other parties point of view. In these sitches though sometimes, we as good H's, get too caught up in it. I know myself, I'm at my worst when I spend a great deal of time trying to figure out where my W is at and why. It's a deep dark forest and I've misplaced my flashlight! So stay focused on what you are doing Muddle, she will whine and carry on but the time to figure her out is past, for now anyway. Stay polite and firm. I can't imagine myself handling this situation better than you are right now. Keep us posted.
I think a big 180 for me will be to ignore my W's feelings of inadequacy prompted by me doing something I'm convicted about and NOT thinking to myself "it's her problem, she's a smart person who knows what the right thing to do is and she'll come around eventually", but actually standing up against her with conviction. Now is the time to show her what she's doing to her life and her family. Now is the time to show her that I will do what a man needs to do to protect and provide for his family, whether she wants to be a part of that family or not. I will do so by forging ahead with things my own way - fairly and justly - regardless of her take on things. I will not coddle her. I will not be her friend. I will not condone what she's doing, in any way. No more trying to understand why, or explain it away. No more ignoring things for the sake of her guilt or feelings. No more subverting my own feelings and needs for her sake, to sacrifice for something that probably isn't worth sacrificing for (because if I sacrifice myself - half of the relationship - for it, what good is it then anyway?). Take what's out there worth taking, because if I am nice and good, no one's going to give me anything. I'm taking back my life, and if she decides through this process that she wants a part of it, then will see whether it's worth it then.
I feel like I've said this before, but now I have a better grasp on just where I was wrong. I'm sure I'll be here yet again with an even better picture. Whatever the case is, I'm maintaining my momentum and forging forward with my life.
Oh yeah, I wanted to mention a little episode that happened last night. I got home sort of late from my second job. My good friend loaned me disc 4 of the second season of LOST. Awesome show. I have been totally hooked on it since I watched the whole first season over the course of a month during the summer. I popped in the disc and watched an episode. S4 got up. I had him go to the bathroom and then tried to get him back down. W came upstairs asking whether something was up. She heard footsteps. I told her it was ok, that I had it under control. I put S4 back in bed and went across the hall to my room. He got up again later and we were talking a little bit. W calls the home phone number from her cell and asks me what's going on. I told her I was in the process of trying to find out, but that I couldn't because I was talking to her. I told her not to worry about anything, that I had it covered. She told me she was worried and that "just because you have the priveledge of sleeping upstairs you get to take care of him now." I told her she was welcome to come up, but she didn't need to because I was taking care of it. She then said something about me not caring about her feelings. I told her that I wanted to address him and see why he was up, and AGAIN she told me that I didn't care about her feelings. I told her addressing why our son was up was what was important to me at the moment and hung up. So, her feelings are more important even to her than our son getting the treatment and attention he deserves?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
You are doing great Muddle. My kids are so important to me and that is what scares me the most about my sitch. How are they going to act if my sitch goes even further down hill. Our, as fathers, first priority will be our kids. Sounds like you know what you have to do brother. Keep it up and take care of that little one.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I think this is key - the better father I can be while making it clear that I am not interested in being my W's buddy, but rather her husband might just make all the difference. The stronger a father I can be, the more she'll want to be around me and respect me, and if she can't have me as her best friend and still does care, then she'll reconsider things. She'd be stupid not to. I need to give her every reason to respect me. I need to be dignified and respectable. She can always choose to see my actions as dignified or not, but as long as I'm convicted and follow through with what I need to do, I'm doing right by myself and my son.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I can tell you one thing. You will always have you son no matter what happens between you and your wife. That is what I look forward to every weekend is being able to spend Quality time with my kids when the W is not around. It is great we wrestle play games watch movies and just pretty much screw around until 8 or so. Take Care Muddle. You have helped me in the past so I figured I should look in on ya and give you my 2 cents for what it is worth.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Yes, my son is my focus. He's my world and my life. Yesterday was my birthday, and the only thing I really wanted to do for my birthday was spend as much time playing with my son as possible.
Anyway, just wanted to note something really quickly: W called me and asked if I told her I had brought her a package from someone. I told her I hadn't and she said that I told her that I had this package for her. I told her I hadn't said that because I have not yet recieved the package from said person to bring to her. She then says "don't you think it's possible that you said that by mistake?" I told her that I hadn't. I didn't tell her that. She got really upset saying that I always had to be right. I told her I had to go. Why get into an argument over whether or not I could have told her something by mistake? It's ludicrous to even carry on this sort of conversation. There's nothing to be gained at all. I don't understand where she's coming from. She had a question about whether or not she should have this package, I clarified it - end of story. But no, it's got to go off into this blame laden world of "You told me" or "don't you think YOU could have been the cause of my confusion?" It makes no sense. I'm done really trying to understand her.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Just let it go. You said your piece and you know it is too hard to try and figure her out so don't let it bother you. I know it easier said than done but just bite you lip. Take care partner.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
