Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

She appears like a very spoiled child. Always throwing tantrums and always wanting her way - very immature.

Yet I treat her like a child because I make her feel like one, so that's why she doesn't want to be with me! See, the fact that she feels like a child, because in a lot of ways she hasn't matured beyond that, is her own issue. The fact that I'm there and witness to it means that I know the real person that she is. She wants to be rid of the feeling, of that person she is deep inside. I am open to this, because I would like nothing more than to see her grow and blossom. Unfortunately, she sees me as the reason for her feeling this way - which to her is the problem, that she experiences negative feelings, not what's actually causing these feelings - so if she gets rid of me she solves the problem and won't ever have to feel like someone looks at her like a little kid again. Anyone notice the flaw in this logic?

Unfortunately, the lack of $ is a big problem. That is one of the reasons early on that my H and I didn't split. Fortunately for us, H seems to be coming to his senses. Is it possible to kind of seperate, while still living under the same roof? Maybe you could set up your own space somewhere in the house. Split up the finances and responsibilities.

Well, this is where I am heading, even if we don't have a legal separation in place. Unfortunately, she's got a problem with me doing anything or having any ideas about doing anything that she's not privy to, or rather, not in control of. I have tried to talk about a really fair way of dividing the finances (taking all of the bills and regular household expenses into account and then dividing all of the income above that equally between us) but she's opposed to even looking at things that way. She has such a hard time looking at anything I have put together because it makes her feel like I'm teaching her something complicated and she feels dumb because she can't grasp it. She's so deeply caught up in her insecurity and lack of self esteem that she refuses to challene herself or grow or be happy with herself or her life. So I think we need to use her mother and step father as sounding boards and as someone to be accountable to rather than each other so that we can actually start to divide responsibilities and resources. It's rough because I want nothing more than for things to be done fairly, but because she's got this idea that she's a victim here because she's been in this role of her making for so long (essentially a victim to her disease) she's fighting for more than fair. She thinks that she's going to get another job and everything she makes there is going to go into her savings. If I wait on her to get this job though, I'm going to be 80 before I can truly move on with my life. Sad that I have to do nothing to prevent her from leaving (although she thinks I've done a lot to stop her from getting what she wanted with regard to this affair) and she wants to leave but can't because she won't take responsibility for herself and her life now that I'm ok with moving in that direction.

Get educated about your rights, especially where your son is concerned.

This is my biggest concern. I really don't want a battle over this, but I know that the mother usually gets custody and because she's the primary caregiver, she will likely get custody. Although she's totally resentful about spending so much time with him and every moment I get I do for him what I can (make him most every meal, get him dressed, drive him to school) she'll likely get custody should that become a battle. I need to keep documenting that I have been doing all I can to be a great father to him. I read books, implement ideas, spend quality time with him, etc. This will count for something, especially since I have been documenting it for some time now. Does the fact that he was potty trained at 4 while his primary caregive was off having an affair count for anything? I mean it's symbolic of the lack of dedication she has had to his needs.

You need to stand up to her; like you said "enough is enough."

And the sad thing is that she always takes this as me not caring about her feelings. Well, if that's how it has to be, it's how it has to be. I need to do what's right and good, regardless of how it makes her feel. She started this ball rolling. This was her will. If she doesn't like how it's handled, tough. She's only got the power to handle her end. She can't control how I handle mine. Who knows, maybe this process will allow us both to prove to each other and ourselves that we are respectable people worthy of the respect and love of the other and it will lead to a worthwhile reconciliation. Maybe not. We'll see. For now, I'm going to keep on being happy. Oh yeah, I took this stupid little test: Happy Test and scored 12 out of 12! Guess I'm not too bad off!