Muddle, the best time to get her is NOW! If she feels remorse it is the time to say "let's get some help here!" Get C around parenting together. You both love your S and letting him see any further acts of violence is not a loving act. Let her know that. Lastly, TELL her that next time you WILL call the police, no if's, but's etc. STill see the lawyer. Don't screw around here!!! This is damn serious stuff. I'm worried that you've so easily dismissed what just happened. IT IS DANGEROUS TO DO SO. Please, please, please think this through. DEMAND COUNSELLING TOGETHER, DON"T ASK. P.S. Let her go visit your fukcing cousin, get her the hell out of your house! I'm worried about you.
No, I'm not dismissing anything. I did tell her that I would go through with it next time she laid a hand on me. I'm setting up an appointment with my in-laws to discuss separating. They're going to need to be involved in this planning because she's not going to be able to do anything on her own. I also have a list of counselors that I'm calling to get help here. She's welcome to leave. I have no issue with that. It's just that she needs to accept the consequences of her actions. Enough is enough.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Absolutely. Enough is enough. Maybe at some point it will be possible to work out some kind of R, but not now. Your W has become an abuser and there is no working things out now. Physical abuse just escalates and it is ALWAYS blamed on the abused partner. It is then often followed by sincere apologies. Her remarks about you making her do this is textbook. She has moved from emotional abuse to physcial now, it is escalating. Do what you have to, Muddle, just get her out quickly as possible. If she gets the help she needs then maybe one day there is hope. But that day is not today. You've done enough, it's over. The safety of all involved is now the priority. Let us know how you're doing, we'll be here.
PS don't forget the lawyer, you might want to seriously look at your position and rights around custody. Sorry, wish I could lighten your dark cloud here but whatisis, tonite anyway.
At this point, you need to "shoot first and ask questions later."
By this, I mean get an attorney as soon as you can and discuss what can be done to:
(1) Document this latest incident (e.g., through a police report or some other means).
(2) Establish a safe place for you and your son to live (I think you should push for your wife to move out and leave you and your son in place).
(3) Confirm primary or sole custody of your son to you at least for the time being.
If you wait to do these things, the situation will almost certainly get worse, and you should expect your wife to generate a whole host of allegations against you.
If she is willing to ignore marital and familial boundaries by entering into an affair with one of your relatives, and she is further capable of verbally and now physically attacking you over off-the-wall, insignificant things, you should expect her to have no problem lying in court papers.
As for your wife's parents, I strongly recommend that you do not get cozy with them. You are playing with fire. In-laws almost always inevitably side with their child, even if they initially seem to be siding with the "wronged" spouse.
You have tried for many months now to be supportive and to do all the nice DB things, but it has only angered and emboldened your wife. You can't say you didn't try, because you tried very hard and very admirably. Now it is time to bring your wife to heel. This may be the only thing that saves your marriage. If not, at least it will save your son much pain and anguish. He needs you to be strong.
I strongly recommend you Google and read about parental alienation. There is a huge danger of that here, with your wife poisoning your son against you. Don't let it happen.
I wish you the best as always, and will continue to follow your sitch, even as it continues to kill me vicariously.
Nope, haven't seen a lawyer yet. I've contacted about 13 of them and they all charge a $500 consultation fee that I can in no way afford right now. Still trying to work that out and/or find someone that does free consultations.
We talked things out with my in-laws there as mediators. It came out clearly just how down on herself my W is. She even said she feels like she's nothing. The fact that I'm moving on this now, getting another bank account, things like that, make her really uncomfortable. She's really trying so hard to be in control of me - and the fact that I don't share with her things that I'm doing make her nuts. She gets what she wants, it doens't look like what she expected, and then it's me hurting her. Go figure.
I know better than to get too cozy with my in-laws, but the simple fact here is that I want things to be as good as they can be. I don't want to run out and make things as nasty as possible. I'm doing what I can to protect my rights - documenting the incident as well as daily routines. I'm not being stupid about this. The next time she gets out of hand I will call the police, have them file a report and possibly file a restraining order. It seems a little underhanded to me, but she should not be acting the way she does, by any standards.
While my in-laws were talking with us I tried to make a real point of discussing the way my W acted. I wanted us to agree that we would not act in that manner in front of our S, regardless of how we feel. My MIL seemed to actually defend my W's position (which isn't any real surprise to me - it's sad, but not a surprise) asking me if there's anything more I can do in those situations so that she doesn't continue to get so angry. I guess this is what my W is used to growing up - her tantrums always met with caving wills of her parents.
The more I look at things, the more I see a sad person who is unable to do with herself or her life what she'd like. She's out of her own control so she feels the need to control people around her. She does so emotionally, by setting expectations, and when I don't meet those expectations, she feels hurt, which in turn is my fault, and if I love her, I should want to make her feel better by changing my behavior to meet her expectations. She does so by physically forcing or intimidating me in order to get me to comply with her demands. It seems to me to be abusive behavior. I hate the fact that on some level I feel like a victim here, especially when I am not physically threatened by her - I can let these episodes slide off my back - but the fact is that she's out of control. I do however feel like I'm finally taking back something that she has taken from me. It's a really odd feeling to come out of this all. It's like the A served to amplify a really negative dynamic that existed in the relationship all along. It's something my W really resents me for - the fact that I never really complied enough with her wishes to meet her expectations - but I never truly gave up my identity, just parts of it, that I think has saved me through this. She feels hurt, like I let her down because she has let herself down, and I can't comfort her or come to her rescue because it's really time for her to take responsibility for her life, her feelings and her self. I have no doubt that her mother will be there rescuing her, supporting her, etc, throughout this process - to her detriment, no doubt. I won't be. I need to step away - even if it hurts her (because it's not the way she expects me to treat her - so it hurts) it needs to be done. She needs to grow and she needs to do it on her own. One day at a time.
I think I'm going to call a domestic violence crisis hotline and discuss this issue with them. I really don't want to heap more difficult real life stuff on my W, but I also want to get educated on this stuff and find out if there's another way I should get all of this documented. They might even be able to provide us with some free resources for getting to the core of this issue and resolving it.
So, I'm moving forward with this - trying to separate finances and work on a budget that will allow us to fairly distribute responsibility for household expenses, getting legal advice, going to a therapist together on Tuesday, etc. Maybe I'm not going out with all guns blazing and making an enemy of everyone, but I'm working in the direction of safety while still trying to look to the best possible outcome for the benefit of everyone involved.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
It does sound positive, Muddle. You are preparing yourself by gathering the info you need. Her behaviour has been exposed to her family, maybe that will calm her for a bit. Can her family help her financially if you guys split? You said you were going for C together. That's great too. So things aren't just sitting, you are moving forward.
Her mother in the past refused to allow her to move in with her because it would negatively impact her own marriage. She sees my W as being dependant, entitled, and can see her sucking the life out of her. I'm not sure whether that perspective has changed at all. It seems that she has put a lot of her perception of my W behind her in an attempt to be close to her again. It's to be expected, but I'm a little sad to see that she's condoning her behavior in an attempt to be close rather than building their relationship around other aspects of her life (as if there are any for my W now) and refusing to condone what she sees as wrong. Again, to be expected, but sad.
It's interesting - after we talked with my inlaws, she and I lay on our bed together kind of cuddling and talking about our relationship. She said that she thought that our current issues are all things that have been issues in our relationship all along, just that they are amplified by the situation. She said she thought they came and went in cycles. I told her that I thought that when we were good, we were really good together. She agreed. She then proceeded to tell me "you know I wouldn't do something like destroy our family if I didn't really believe in my feelings, right?" I asked her if she was talking about her feelings for my cousin - she said yes. So there you have it folks, after all the justifying and blaming, etc, it all comes down to the affair being the real reason for all of this. Tragic, sad, all that and more, but the fact is that now I'm starting to really focus on the positives of getting out of this relationship and really working on me and my life for a while. I am still attached and I don't want to give up this life and I really love my wife and all her crap, but I have to accept that it's not enough for me and I'd be selling myself short if I were to hang on for ever and continue to try and keep things in a place where the consequences of her choices and actions don't impact her. I need to move forward for me and leave the ashes of this situation to smolder, whether W makes it out alive or not. Now I'm in a position where I'm waiting on her to get off her ass and start doing what she needs to do and it's frustrating.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Wow! Just caught up on your sitch. I am truely sorry at the turn of events. From what I read it really seems like the time to seperate is now. Your W has some really big issues. She appears like a very spoiled child. Always throwing tantrums and always wanting her way - very immature. Unfortunately, the lack of $ is a big problem. That is one of the reasons early on that my H and I didn't split. Fortunately for us, H seems to be coming to his senses. Is it possible to kind of seperate, while still living under the same roof? Maybe you could set up your own space somewhere in the house. Split up the finances and responsibilities. Get educated about your rights, especially where your son is concerned. You need to stand up to her; like you said "enough is enough."
Quote: She appears like a very spoiled child. Always throwing tantrums and always wanting her way - very immature.
Yet I treat her like a child because I make her feel like one, so that's why she doesn't want to be with me! See, the fact that she feels like a child, because in a lot of ways she hasn't matured beyond that, is her own issue. The fact that I'm there and witness to it means that I know the real person that she is. She wants to be rid of the feeling, of that person she is deep inside. I am open to this, because I would like nothing more than to see her grow and blossom. Unfortunately, she sees me as the reason for her feeling this way - which to her is the problem, that she experiences negative feelings, not what's actually causing these feelings - so if she gets rid of me she solves the problem and won't ever have to feel like someone looks at her like a little kid again. Anyone notice the flaw in this logic?
Quote: Unfortunately, the lack of $ is a big problem. That is one of the reasons early on that my H and I didn't split. Fortunately for us, H seems to be coming to his senses. Is it possible to kind of seperate, while still living under the same roof? Maybe you could set up your own space somewhere in the house. Split up the finances and responsibilities.
Well, this is where I am heading, even if we don't have a legal separation in place. Unfortunately, she's got a problem with me doing anything or having any ideas about doing anything that she's not privy to, or rather, not in control of. I have tried to talk about a really fair way of dividing the finances (taking all of the bills and regular household expenses into account and then dividing all of the income above that equally between us) but she's opposed to even looking at things that way. She has such a hard time looking at anything I have put together because it makes her feel like I'm teaching her something complicated and she feels dumb because she can't grasp it. She's so deeply caught up in her insecurity and lack of self esteem that she refuses to challene herself or grow or be happy with herself or her life. So I think we need to use her mother and step father as sounding boards and as someone to be accountable to rather than each other so that we can actually start to divide responsibilities and resources. It's rough because I want nothing more than for things to be done fairly, but because she's got this idea that she's a victim here because she's been in this role of her making for so long (essentially a victim to her disease) she's fighting for more than fair. She thinks that she's going to get another job and everything she makes there is going to go into her savings. If I wait on her to get this job though, I'm going to be 80 before I can truly move on with my life. Sad that I have to do nothing to prevent her from leaving (although she thinks I've done a lot to stop her from getting what she wanted with regard to this affair) and she wants to leave but can't because she won't take responsibility for herself and her life now that I'm ok with moving in that direction.
Quote: Get educated about your rights, especially where your son is concerned.
This is my biggest concern. I really don't want a battle over this, but I know that the mother usually gets custody and because she's the primary caregiver, she will likely get custody. Although she's totally resentful about spending so much time with him and every moment I get I do for him what I can (make him most every meal, get him dressed, drive him to school) she'll likely get custody should that become a battle. I need to keep documenting that I have been doing all I can to be a great father to him. I read books, implement ideas, spend quality time with him, etc. This will count for something, especially since I have been documenting it for some time now. Does the fact that he was potty trained at 4 while his primary caregive was off having an affair count for anything? I mean it's symbolic of the lack of dedication she has had to his needs.
Quote: You need to stand up to her; like you said "enough is enough."
And the sad thing is that she always takes this as me not caring about her feelings. Well, if that's how it has to be, it's how it has to be. I need to do what's right and good, regardless of how it makes her feel. She started this ball rolling. This was her will. If she doesn't like how it's handled, tough. She's only got the power to handle her end. She can't control how I handle mine. Who knows, maybe this process will allow us both to prove to each other and ourselves that we are respectable people worthy of the respect and love of the other and it will lead to a worthwhile reconciliation. Maybe not. We'll see. For now, I'm going to keep on being happy. Oh yeah, I took this stupid little test: Happy Test and scored 12 out of 12! Guess I'm not too bad off!
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
