Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

Nope, haven't seen a lawyer yet. I've contacted about 13 of them and they all charge a $500 consultation fee that I can in no way afford right now. Still trying to work that out and/or find someone that does free consultations.

We talked things out with my in-laws there as mediators. It came out clearly just how down on herself my W is. She even said she feels like she's nothing. The fact that I'm moving on this now, getting another bank account, things like that, make her really uncomfortable. She's really trying so hard to be in control of me - and the fact that I don't share with her things that I'm doing make her nuts. She gets what she wants, it doens't look like what she expected, and then it's me hurting her. Go figure.

I know better than to get too cozy with my in-laws, but the simple fact here is that I want things to be as good as they can be. I don't want to run out and make things as nasty as possible. I'm doing what I can to protect my rights - documenting the incident as well as daily routines. I'm not being stupid about this. The next time she gets out of hand I will call the police, have them file a report and possibly file a restraining order. It seems a little underhanded to me, but she should not be acting the way she does, by any standards.

While my in-laws were talking with us I tried to make a real point of discussing the way my W acted. I wanted us to agree that we would not act in that manner in front of our S, regardless of how we feel. My MIL seemed to actually defend my W's position (which isn't any real surprise to me - it's sad, but not a surprise) asking me if there's anything more I can do in those situations so that she doesn't continue to get so angry. I guess this is what my W is used to growing up - her tantrums always met with caving wills of her parents.

The more I look at things, the more I see a sad person who is unable to do with herself or her life what she'd like. She's out of her own control so she feels the need to control people around her. She does so emotionally, by setting expectations, and when I don't meet those expectations, she feels hurt, which in turn is my fault, and if I love her, I should want to make her feel better by changing my behavior to meet her expectations. She does so by physically forcing or intimidating me in order to get me to comply with her demands. It seems to me to be abusive behavior. I hate the fact that on some level I feel like a victim here, especially when I am not physically threatened by her - I can let these episodes slide off my back - but the fact is that she's out of control. I do however feel like I'm finally taking back something that she has taken from me. It's a really odd feeling to come out of this all. It's like the A served to amplify a really negative dynamic that existed in the relationship all along. It's something my W really resents me for - the fact that I never really complied enough with her wishes to meet her expectations - but I never truly gave up my identity, just parts of it, that I think has saved me through this. She feels hurt, like I let her down because she has let herself down, and I can't comfort her or come to her rescue because it's really time for her to take responsibility for her life, her feelings and her self. I have no doubt that her mother will be there rescuing her, supporting her, etc, throughout this process - to her detriment, no doubt. I won't be. I need to step away - even if it hurts her (because it's not the way she expects me to treat her - so it hurts) it needs to be done. She needs to grow and she needs to do it on her own. One day at a time.

I think I'm going to call a domestic violence crisis hotline and discuss this issue with them. I really don't want to heap more difficult real life stuff on my W, but I also want to get educated on this stuff and find out if there's another way I should get all of this documented. They might even be able to provide us with some free resources for getting to the core of this issue and resolving it.

So, I'm moving forward with this - trying to separate finances and work on a budget that will allow us to fairly distribute responsibility for household expenses, getting legal advice, going to a therapist together on Tuesday, etc. Maybe I'm not going out with all guns blazing and making an enemy of everyone, but I'm working in the direction of safety while still trying to look to the best possible outcome for the benefit of everyone involved.