So, another week begins. This week I have a lot on my plate - a lot that I'm looking forward to doing. I have been trying to get beyond some issues with my sitch, mainly my problem with being in an unhealthy relationship, and how absurd it is that I'm trying to save such an unhealthy relationship. I keep thinking that to some degree I need to do for my W what she expects of me, fulfill what she thinks are her needs. I view the primary needs that she seems to think are most important as personal needs that she should be fulfilling in herself, because having them fulfilled in a relationship are bandaids rather than real fulfillment. It would be empty to have someone else provide you with a substitute for real self esteem and personal satisfaction. Furthermore, it's unfair to ask someone else to shoulder that burden. So, now in order to get to the point where we might work things out, either I bend over even further backwards to accomodate her personal issues and try and rescue her from herself, or I step aside and wait on the sidelines while she continues to develop this bond with my cousin - something that she's sure to regret in the future because it will cause nothing but tormented pain - and allow her to disrespect me by cheating on me in my own home. She has this double standard regarding respect - she talks about how I disrespect her while she's doing the most disrespectful thing she can possibly do to her husband. Any respect she gets is a gift, not something that she's entitled to nor something she's earned. I don't know if I'm earning her respect, since she's trying to disrespect me, I'm sure she's not in a place to respect me. I don't know if she could ever forgive herself enough to respect me again. My brother told me last night that he thinks she'll never give me the respect I deserve. He might be right. I might be selling myself short here, but this time's not wasted. Now is not the time to make a decision about my M. We're not in it. I'm becoming a better person day after day. This time is not wasted. . . .
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
