Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks for the solidarity, brother! I don't know why you had to bring the "thing that shall not be named" into the mix, as I've done pretty well keeping that out of the picture! Anyway, just wanted to go further with developments on the issue I wrote about this morning. I called W from the school to ask her to be ready so that when I came by she could run out and we could go to the store together. She was really angry and basically told me she didn't want to go now because I had hurt her feelings. I tried to explain that I had no problem going, but she didn't want to, so I accepted that as well. Well, I got home and she was still upset. She went on to tell me that I made her feel dumb, like I thought that she couldn't think of going to the store herself by herself. I told her that had nothing to do with my asking the question, I asked the question because I was thinking about the ideal use of my time. "There you go, you're always thinking about yourself." I told her that I understood why she had hurt feelings. I made myself very clear that my question had nothing to do with her abilities, it was an idea I threw out there. I told her I was sorry she was feeling the way she was and again I acknowledged that I understood why she would. She got annoyed because I wasn't taking responsibility for how she was feeling. She said that I made her feel that way, "cause/effect." Well, how do you argue with that? It's so clear to me that her feelings of inadequecy are right under the surface in all her interactions with me. This is why she always feels like I am her father - because she doesn't feel like she's on my level. I am sure I do things that contribute to her feeling this way, but I don't view her in this way and if she interprets my actions as doing so, it's her issue, not mine. I don't know how I can relate to someone who doesn't realize their involvement in creating their emotions. It's like the basic premise for controlling the other person is that cause and effect principle of my actions causing her hurt. All she has to be is hurt and it's my fault. The trouble is that she has a huge part in fostering that hurt. If she doesn't realize that (I have to say that on some level she absolutely does because she's manufacturing a lot of feelings just to keep herself where she is) then whhat kind of future could we possibly have? Is this her personality, or is it something that she can quickly grow out of? What can I do to address this and bring about change? What are the implications for my son? I don't want him to be raised thinking he's responsible for his mother's feelings, that's totally inappropriate.