It just does not cease to amaze me: after lunch, W complains that I put a pan (like a cookie sheet) in the dishwasher that she left in the sink. She said that it was as if I thought she was just being lazy, that she would have put it in the dishwasher herself. She said that she doesn't think it got clean in the dishwasher. I said "OK, I won't put it in the dishwasher anymore." That wasn't good enough. She had to go on and on about how it made her feel that I put it in the dishwasher. I told her "I made a judgement call about whether to put the pan in the dishwasher. I understand your point and I won't put it in the dishwasher anymore. My decision had nothing to do with you." She went on and on about how it made her feel like I thought she was inadequate, etc. And the fact that I was walking out the door when she decided to give this all to me didn't help anything. I kept trying to end the conversation - making it clear that I understood about her point and it was a good one. She wanted me to validate her feelings - feelings that were her own projected onto the situation. In the end I left with her saying that I don't care about her feelings. Well, I have to say I left agreeing with her. I feel like she's manipulating me by bringing her irrelivant feelings into the mix when there was simply an issue about my putting a pan in the dishwasher. I don't know why she cares anymore about whether or not I care about her feelings - the only thing I can think is that if I don't care about her feelings, she doesn't have any power over me. Loss of control for her is terrifying. Well, tough. I'm not there for her in that capacity anymore. She can demonize me all she wants for not caring, etc. but I'm only going to do what I think is appropriate (kindness, genorosity - by my standards) - I'm no longer going to try and make her happy by appeasing her. If she doesn't like it, which I'm sure she doesn't, she's going to have to find some other way to be happy, because I'm not going to cave anymore.
She keeps telling me I make her feel like a two year old. Well, throwing tantrums and trying to control other people by manipulating your own feelings is pretty juvenile behavior. Sorry, I don't make you do any of that. Maybe because I don't stoop to your level I make you feel that way by way of comparison. Silly - really. I think I need to get even more vocal about my boundaries. This may bring about some conflict, but in the end, we'll be far better off. She asked me for tough love a long time ago (when this all started she thought that I didn't have the tough love in me) because she realized that she was out of control (my assumption) and wanted me to push back so the boundaries became more clear. Well, clearly she is out of control because she's getting what she wants and she's still making her case for it. So, what do I do? I have to start cutting the cord. I've got to force her beyond her comfort zone by refusing to accept what is not mine. I have the distance now to not be clouded by my emotions - I'm not afraid of losing her anymore. I'm not going to be open to being manipulated by her means of rejecting me or withholding her love from me. I'm out the door myself, but I'm still going to go through the motions here so I can learn this really important lesson about myself, so I can train myself to be better in a relationship.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
