Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks for your support, as always. I have been struggling with the blame/responsibility thing for some time, always feeling that as long as I took responsibility for my part, my W would eventually pick up her end. This hasn't happened, and it's clear that my W will never be satisfied with me and my part in things until I make her life all better. I think I will be throwing the responsibility for her life squarely onto her shoulders. She needs to grow - as do I - but I got into this mess by being a rescuer to a controller. She's got someone else to rescue her now. She's got to fail again at that, I guess, before she realizes that the path she's on wont ever lead to her happiness. I think she's moving in a good direction for her regarding her fulfilling herself, working on starting a business, etc, but I can't be a part of a relationship where I'm being forced to be someone I'm not. It's not healthy for me, nor for my W.

I want to be part of a union where we encourage and acknowledge the growth of the other, not blame them for our own failure.

Right now, I need to focus on developing myself into a solid person, and I need to do so out of love for myself and my life, not because my W is demanding I do so because I'm not good enough. I know I am, and I don't need to constantly hear that I'm not. I have done what I could to change, maybe not enough to make a difference, but it's pretty clear to me that no matter what I do, it won't change my W's mind. I have started a process with an open mind, trying to become a better person as a result of this process - not necessarily become more of who my W wants me to be - and I think I have succeeded in this. I am engaged in a process that I know I will continue with in my life. I now have to entirely detach. No more wishing or hoping. No more looking at my W sleeping and wishing I could cuddle up with her.

I think on some level I didn't want to make the changes that my W would have wanted - both because they violated the boundaries of who I am, and also because my happiness is limited by this relationship. This is something that can change, if the structure of our relationship does change. I am still open to working through our issues, but only if we are both in it. I can't convince my W it's worth trying. I can't tempt her to stay. All of that has worked against me. I realize that I should have left her months ago. I should have initiated a separation because she has now convinced herself (she told me recently that she was "very confused" in the first several months) that our relationship is better over. Had I left her she would have questioned and possibly had enough reason to turn back towards me. Now there's so much misery in our recent history that neither one of us is likely to turn towards each other any time soon in a loving way. I intend to be as loving as I can be whenever I have the opportunity, but I will be very careful to secure my boundaries. I don't belong to her anymore, I am my own - and I am responsible to myself and my son. I will still be around, because I think there is a lot to learn from you all, even if my motivation has changed. Thanks again to everyone here.