Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

Ok, well, it was an interesting weekend. I have some momentum, and it's not all good. First off, I have to admit that I acted in a way that I'm not proud of. I let my emotions get the better of me and actually acted on it this time instead of letting things roll off of me. I had a conversation with my W's friend, the one that's involved in this, on Saturday night. I was a bit drunk, but with it enough. She confronted me about why I resented her. I told her I didn't resent her, but rather her involvement in the situation. She then started trying to get me to be specific, to which I was somewhat evasive. I think my telling her that her choice to be involved in this situation bothers me is enough, but apparently she wanted to tell me where I was wrong. She then was trying to tell me where I was wrong in the situation etc, and that I should just accept things - but for the way the two of them see them. Anyway, she calls W the next day and tells her all about this, no doubt framing it in such a way as it fits into their agenda. She told my W that I said I thought she (the friend) was manipulating W and that if she weren't involved, this affair wouldn't have gone this far. I know I said nothing of the sort, in fact I'm pretty sure I said the opposite, that I don't blame her because nobody controls my W but herself, even if they do influence her. W was angry about this and we were talking about it. Basically, I told her that I don't understand what the two of them want from me. I am not fighting the separation/divorce, so I don't understand where the fight is. I told her friend, and told W that I said this, that I don't appreciate that her friend is being adversarial in this situation and contributing to this vibe when all I want is a harmonious resolution to the situation. I accept that we're done.

Well, wife got annoyed with me - I mean she was pretty heated throughout the discussion, but she got annoyed that I used the word "absolutely" and told me that if I used it again she was going to kick me in the face. Well, I think I wanted to test her subconsciously and said it again. She put her foot on my face and pushed. This broke something in me. It is so symbolic of the crap that I have taken for the past nine months, and even the miserable side of our relationship for years. The total lack of respect for my boundaries and for me. I asked her if she wanted me to spit in her face. She told me yes she would. So I told her if she kept talking I would do it. She did, I did. I think I called her a piece of $hit. She got extremely angry. Started swinging at me. I did my best to protect myself and then left the room. I later appologized for contributing to the situation to which she responded that I created the situation and it was all my fault.

Well, this is kind of a final straw for me. I acted in a way that I never wanted to - I really don't want to act on my anger. I blame her for not respecting my boundaries (and this is a big issue in our relationship that I want to get to later), but it was my choice to express my anger the way I did. The amount of abuse (yes, physical too) I have taken because of her anger, and this is the worst I have acted - that's not too bad.

I have really come to see one of the more major problems in our relationship is that of the controller-compliant personality combination. My W is very controlling and does so through manipulation and just outward controlling mechanisms. I want to appease her and keep her happy by doing for her or giving her what she wants. This is done at the expense of my boundaries, which she doesn't respect. She also feels that I'm responsible for what lies within her boundaries, which is why she can make such a good case for herself why I destroyed this marriage because I didn't make her happy. Well, I have really come to realize through this that, as the quote in my signature says, a problem can not be solved utilizing the same thinking as it was created with. In this case, doing everything I can to change for my W would be giving in to her controlling desires, which is more of the same. This is what I have been doing for years. It didn't work. I can't change to make her happy, I have to do right by myself. Right now that means moving on. I'm sorry to my S, but it takes two to make a marriage. I can't fix something that the other person is not willing to address with me, and that at its core is this harmful dynamic. I need to move on and become strong on my own. I need to nurture myself - because in this situation, I have been not been able to do this. I have torn myself down in an effort to find flaws, and now I need to build myself back up in a way that makes sense to me, and makes me the strong, secure, happy, healthy person I need to be for my sake and my son's. I hope at some point my W turns around and is in a place where she can address these issues in herself, her need to control others to make herself feel better, and for a time I will keep the door open for her. We both need to be in a state where we can begin healing, and we're not there, and as long as this situation stays this way, and she can blame me for everything, it isn't likely that we will get there. I'm not concerned with blame, because I know I contributed to our issues, but the reality is that we can't make any progress in our relationship where we are now - it just maintains this horrible picture in its current state.

So, I'm done, I'm comfortable with moving on and I have no regrets. I tried my best, at all times I have had the best interests of my family in mind. I may not have executed perfectly what I intended to, but I did what I could. Hopefully things will change, but I'm really letting go now. I think I need to do the walking away, because she clearly can't do it on her own, and I don't want to keep her prisoner. I'm a bit ashamed of my actions, but they symbolize to me just how far down this hole I'm allowing myself to accompany my W. All for the sake of something good - something that now is far from good. I'm prolonging this bad by being involved at all. Sad, really sad, but there will be better ahead. Much better.