yes indeed, sometimes it's those little things that just put our emotions right through the roof! I find that myself and later I think "why did I get so upset over that?". All part of the trip, I guess. So, Muddle, what if you had of said "thanks for the printout, I read it over and it was helpful" Really blow her mind! I wonder if what she did to you is something you tend to do to her? I know my W often thinks my advice is making her look "stupid". Just something to "muddle" over. Hope you feel better soon.
Hey! The thought just occured to me that maybe your W was actually handling this in a sensitive manner (for her, anyway). Instead of blowing up in your face and creating an ugly incident she placed the info somewhere you would find it, could read it and process it undisturbed. that's actually considerate for her! What do ya think?
Today at lunch we had a somewhat stressful talk. I have noticed that I tend to operate more to relieve my emotional stress than to accomplish other goals. Well, I told my W I'd like her to sleep upstairs and why (because I was sending the message that I'm right and she is wrong or bad/good - and I don't think this is true). She told me that she has felt blamed for everything, and my taking responsibility hasn't been apparent. It appears to her that I think this affair is the problem and that it's all her fault. I told her that I have long held the opinion that I have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage substantially and I am taking responsibility for this. She voiced that she felt I was always taking her constructive input as being blamed and didn't want to hear it. I told her that she might be right, that I often reacted defensively, but that I always reflected on it afterward and took it to heart. She still feels like I blame her and think I'm posturing myself to be the one who's doing everything to be right.
So again, I end up feeling like I'm to blame here because if I had done right in my M, she wouldn't have done what she did that has complicated everything. I know the affair isn't the problem, it's a symptom of other problems, but now that it exists it becomes a huge problem because she's motivated to look to our problems as a way out of the relationship and not look for solutions. I know nothing excuses her doing this, and someday she'll take responsibility for it. I again can't help feeling like I'm done, I'm beaten, and I need to move on, get away and protect myself. I'm feeling pathetic - and mostly because I am pretty sure my W thinks I am.
I guess I need to start doing the hard work towards the next phase in my life. I need to talk to my parents, break the news. Maybe it'll shake things up once they talk to my aunt and uncle, maybe not. I'm starting to stop caring. I need to figure out how to be a good single parent. I need to see a lawyer. I need to find a therapist. I need to see if I can get a "sponser" to help pay for therapy for me. I need to really give up, and give up hope - because my hope and fight is working against me. My resistance to the situation is causing me to not address/embrace opportunities that I do have because I'm closing myself off to them.
I don't think she's thought twice since she came back about leaving me. She's got nothing but confirmation that she's making the right decision. She doesn't have any compassion for me. I'm pretty proud of myself for who I am and who I've become through this, but yet I find myself, viewed through her eyes, a pathetic fool full of nasty traits. I have to really put my priorities at the forefront and move on.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Quote: She voiced that she felt I was always taking her constructive input as being blamed and didn't want to hear it.
She should REALLY read Mars/Venus, the part, or PARTS, that talk about men generally NOT APPRECIATING UNSOLICITED ADVICE. It's not so much a muddle thing as it is a man thing. It's sad to see someone (and it seems this is almost universal for WAS's) not learn ANYTHING about relationships and still try to move forward with a new one or destroy an old one.
Sorry I don't have more for you right now. I will try to post more soon.
Thanks. Sometimes I'm of the opinion that she's nuts and this is all crazy, and sometimes I am compassionate to the point where I'm almost agreeing to things I don't really want to. Yes, I think it's really sad that she's not trying to learn from this with me, that she's not able to see the universally applicable, transferable skills she could be learning with me right now - but hey, why work at anything when you're perfect in another arena?
She is choosing to destroy our damaged marriage. I contributed to the damage, not the ultimate destruction. She is to blame for that choice. I am responsible for her not being happy in our relationship. Clear. My blame doesn't do anything to help heal us, or to contribute to all of us moving forward in a way that will help us grow as people and be happy in our lives. I'm truly interested in the well being of everyone involved in this - I'm motivated by my desire to see the best possible scenario play out for everyone, not just for me. I guess I accepted and internalized my W's projection of selfish desire onto me - or am I just justifying my resistance to the situation as it is?
I need to give it all a rest.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
One last thing - what does it mean when she thinks I'm not at all entitled to being resentful and actually expects me to take the higher ground and criticizes me when I'm not doing that? I think she wants me to cooperate with her and do the divorce the right way, yet she offers nothing in the way of compromise - she's entitled to continue her relationship and I'm supposed to just get over it, be over it, accept it, you name it. Resisting it does nothing but hurt me, and entrench her more deeply, I know, but it just makes no sense.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, forget sense, it's a cheesless tunnel. She expects you to accept where she's at and let it go. Do it!Playing devil's advocate here, I think (maybe wrongly) you are in a far better place than where you were a week or so ago. If I recall your W is willing to do C re: raising your son and work on being "friends". Now she's telling you that she feels that you don't listen to her but you get defensive. You proved her right! Your response was "Yes, but...". I have a neat story about a friend of mine who came to me a week or so ago and told me his W wanted to have a R talk. Of course, he knew that wasn't going to bode well for him (cuz us guys know the R talk never does )I lent him DR which he read quickly. The other day he told me that when his W approached him about the R talk he just sat back and listened without the usual deflecting and defending. he said for the first time in 20 years he actually listened to his W and was now going to work at addressing things differently. He was a happy man! I think your W told you how she is feeling and rather than validate it (which doesn't mean agreement) you defended yourself. Maybe you need to try my friends tactic and see how it goes. I know myself, I get so defensive and angry when I'm being accused of this and that (which means I destroyed the R) so I empathize completely. But, I think you need to lose the "poor me" stuff and just accept that yes, you are to blame just as she is. Carry on, I honestly think it's getting better maybe I'm nuts too! Again, just my 2 cents, take it or leave it. I know you are in the fight of your life.
Alright, point taken. Sometimes I need a good 2X4 to the head! Enough. I know I have to listen better - and honestly I have been getting better. It's funny because I make huge strides and she's bringing up stuff from months ago as if it's current. Well, nothing like defending past faults to put you right back in that mindset.
I have been agreeing, but I guess I need to go deeper, be more sincere. I just end up feeling stupid when I try that, like she's trying to trip me up, or interogating me or something. Again, I can't act on my feelings.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Sorry about the 2X4, Muddle but it was soft wood . Oh what the hell, give me one to the head too sometime when I need it, please!!!It's a long and painful process and I truly do know what it feels like. Sometimes I am also completely baffled by our W's thinking processes but that is what they think and feel and that's where we have to start from, like it or not! Count me with the "not" camp.
Yeah well, sometimes we all end up looking for "support" - not for our quest for truth, but for our attempts to maintain our reality as we want it to be. Thanks for keeping me on track - looking for areas I can make progress in an action oriented way - and knocking me away from the emotional, ego driven one.
I think my recent emotional state has been a product of complacency and impatience. I have not been working as hard to choose to do or plan for things that are productive in my life when I start thinking about my sitch. I have had success doing this before, but I've slipped, and as such the feelings I've had are as much a product of my guilt for not doing for me as they are of letting my W down. I am a worthwhile person with great potential. It's time again to rebuild my life around progress - thinking/action - goal oriented accomplishment. I am in the middle of a lot, but there's still a lot more that has yet to be done. Now if I can only begin to sustain this way of life with love rather than fear, I'll really be cooking!
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
)I lent him DR which he read quickly. The other day he told me that when his W approached him about the R talk he just sat back and listened without the usual deflecting and defending. he said for the first time in 20 years he actually listened to his W and was now going to work at addressing things differently. He was a happy man! I think your W told you how she is feeling and rather than validate it (which doesn't mean agreement) you defended yourself. Maybe you need to try my friends tactic and see how it goes. I know myself, I get so defensive and angry when I'm being accused of this and that (which means I destroyed the R) so I empathize completely. But, I think you need to lose the "poor me" stuff and just accept that yes, you are to blame just as she is. Carry on, I honestly think it's getting better maybe I'm nuts too! Again, just my 2 cents, take it or leave it. I know you are in the fight of your life.