Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

Today at lunch we had a somewhat stressful talk. I have noticed that I tend to operate more to relieve my emotional stress than to accomplish other goals. Well, I told my W I'd like her to sleep upstairs and why (because I was sending the message that I'm right and she is wrong or bad/good - and I don't think this is true). She told me that she has felt blamed for everything, and my taking responsibility hasn't been apparent. It appears to her that I think this affair is the problem and that it's all her fault. I told her that I have long held the opinion that I have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage substantially and I am taking responsibility for this. She voiced that she felt I was always taking her constructive input as being blamed and didn't want to hear it. I told her that she might be right, that I often reacted defensively, but that I always reflected on it afterward and took it to heart. She still feels like I blame her and think I'm posturing myself to be the one who's doing everything to be right.

So again, I end up feeling like I'm to blame here because if I had done right in my M, she wouldn't have done what she did that has complicated everything. I know the affair isn't the problem, it's a symptom of other problems, but now that it exists it becomes a huge problem because she's motivated to look to our problems as a way out of the relationship and not look for solutions. I know nothing excuses her doing this, and someday she'll take responsibility for it. I again can't help feeling like I'm done, I'm beaten, and I need to move on, get away and protect myself. I'm feeling pathetic - and mostly because I am pretty sure my W thinks I am.

I guess I need to start doing the hard work towards the next phase in my life. I need to talk to my parents, break the news. Maybe it'll shake things up once they talk to my aunt and uncle, maybe not. I'm starting to stop caring. I need to figure out how to be a good single parent. I need to see a lawyer. I need to find a therapist. I need to see if I can get a "sponser" to help pay for therapy for me. I need to really give up, and give up hope - because my hope and fight is working against me. My resistance to the situation is causing me to not address/embrace opportunities that I do have because I'm closing myself off to them.

I don't think she's thought twice since she came back about leaving me. She's got nothing but confirmation that she's making the right decision. She doesn't have any compassion for me. I'm pretty proud of myself for who I am and who I've become through this, but yet I find myself, viewed through her eyes, a pathetic fool full of nasty traits. I have to really put my priorities at the forefront and move on.