I'm so sick of being looked at and treated as stupid. Last night I wanted to help S4 learn to ride his bike. I read about a method of taking the training wheels and the pedals off the bike and letting the kid scoot around to get their balance. The bike he has was a little too big, and we tried twice. The second ttime he fell and was crying. He was telling me that he didn't listen to me and that's why he fell. Anyway, my W apparently got upset - and later in the evening I find a print out next to the bed about how to use training wheels. That pissed me off, but I let it go. I talked to her this morning and pointed out that the method I used was actually in what she printed out. She thought I push him too hard and that I should have stopped earlier. She literally thinks I'm stupid. Maybe I am, because I keep doing things to give her reason to think so.
She doesn't really think I've changed much. She has this friend, her cheerleader, who has always had something against me I think. When there was nothing going on between W and me she would gang up against me with her. Now she's got the ultimate reason to do so, and I have no doubt there's a whole lot of trash being talked about me between the two of them. At this point I just want to run away and start again fresh somewhere. I just don't think I can change enough, and being compared to this fantasy, I'm always going to be inadequate. I haven't felt this way in a long time - I've been self propelled. I've been fighting against something and she's been the crazy one. Now I'm starting to feel like I haven't really taken my life back and I'm stuck in this. She's moving forward and I'm still here, plugging along, making forward progress, but getting more and more hopeless about this situation.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
