Muddle's Waters IV

[MuddleThrough]

I can't believe the old post locked up ( Waters III ), but it did. I'm so far from where I want to be personally, and I feel like my world is crumbling around me. My honest good intentions mean nothing because of things I've set into motion already - judgements of family members mostly. I feel defensive, like I have a gang of people looking at things I've done looking for supporting evidence that I'm not good enough for my wife, that I haven't done what I should have. I did my best, but misprioritized things. Good intentions, poor execution. I have to keep forgiving myself that, and know that hindsight is 20/20. But it's difficult now.

Interactions have been better with W, but I feel like there's something between us, a huge waterfall of negativity - black water. We can only catch glimses of the true being on the other side and are tempted to believe the image we see through the negative screen.

I am confused because my wife talks about how we were both in denial before. We used to be close, touching, loving. Things were often lacking in the bedroom, but I attributed that to my W's depression. But even up until the A went into full swing we were pretty darn close. So where is the denial? In that we thought we were right for each other? Does she really think she was pretending all these years? I know there was stuff about me that frustrated her. There always will be with another person, because there's always stuff that frustrates us about ourselves. That's what I can't quite get my mind around, that I can't understand.