Everyone, I have been reading around here lately and noticing a trend that disturbs me. Several posters have been telling people who are in a rather distraught state that if they only use the DB principles properly they will not fail--thereby implying 1)that the LBS has some sort of control over the reactions of the spouse, and 2) that if the spouse does not return to the marriage that is because the LBS was not DBing "properly".
I try to chime in on these threads but there are too many so I thought I would make some general remarks. I hope they are not taken as discouraging or anything. But here they are. And since most of you do not know me I will just say my xhusband had a horrific MLC experience of epic proportions, we have been divorced for more than a year, and I have been following the stories of people here since January 2002. Seen a lot and been through it all.
As to DBing "properly"-- in difficult situations like you are in, you do the best you can. You did not choose to be in this situation and you are trying your best to save your marriages. Some will be saved and some will not. The outcome is not up to you! DB techniques are NOT failproof. If your marriage is saved maybe it has something to do with your actions. Maybe not. If your marriage does not survive MLC MOST LIKELY it has nothing to do with you. And the people who say otherwise are making you think that IF ONLY you had done or will do x or y then your MLC spouse will come home to you.
This upsets me very much as I know that places the entire responsibility and guilt for something that is not your fault on you. And that's wrong.
DB techniques can help communications and I advocate them 100% They also help with life in general. There is no perfect execution of them, and every situation is different. In many situations the WAS is just gone and there is not one thing on God's green earth we could do to change it. You will never know that if you do not try, but the feelings of being useless and worthless that come with being abandoned are not helped by people telling you that you that you have not tried hard enough or have not DBd properly if things do not turn around.
The other question I am seeing rather often is I am afraid of making my spouse angry in expressing my financial requirements in separation or divorce negotiations. What should I do?
I am not a lawyer and do not represent myself as that, but I will tell you the most frequent regret I have seen on the boards is being afraid of making the WAS angry during the financical settlement. Everyone, this part is BUSINESS. The law is there to PROTECT you. Do what is right, have the best lawyer you can find or afford, use their advice, take mediation if you can, but the feelings of your WAS when they have ababdoned you and possibly your children are not relevant in that discussion. what matters is what the law provides. That's what I mean in this post by taking care of you. Your WAS is not thinking like you, that person is in another world, and you have to ficus on your future well being and that of your children.
I hope this post will help someone tonight, it took me a long time to write and think through, but the summary is DB and do everything you can to save your marriage if that is what you want and then take care of you. The MLCers will not usually take care of you. Cheers. Wonder
