GEL, I have given specifics and that I wouldn't even want sex as much as now if when we did we actually made love. I basically gave her the roadmap...kissing, followed by....etc. We both read the 5LL and I pointed out to her that the things talked about under PT were the things that made me feel loved and loving to her. What is hard is the times she does try...it's seems so forced, like giving me a hug and kiss is onerous to her or something. If anything, a half-hearted attempt makes me feel worse about us than no attempt at all. It makes me feel that it just isn't possible for her and this is what I'm in for with her. She's even said things that reinforce that stance by saying that it "just isn't her" and that "I need to get used to it" and stop being so needy.
I've also tried what was suggested, letting her initiate. It doesn't happen. Or if it happens, she initiates a quickie right after I get home. Our hectic lives have a lot to do with it, but it isn't all that's involved. Even when it is just us things are the same.
How does a person go sixteen years? I just can't see me doing that (unless I lose my sex drive). Sometimes I wish I'd lose it and was the one that basically held all the cards when it came to sex. I know, I know...revenge or "tit-for-tat" isn't much of an answer.
Yes, we have kids. Two (12 and 14) and an additional two from a previous marriage (8 and 10-part of the time). It is exhausting running around to their various activities. And it doesn't leave much time at night. Plus we both work. In her defense, she's tired by the time bedtime rolls around, thus her suggestion about during the day. And that would be okay if I felt she was into it rather than just placating me.
I feel like a complainer because I know that many have it worse. Plus, I'm in a mood where I'm painting a more negative picture...there are times when we are going along fine and she does provide physical affection of other sorts. But I just feel I need to address it now because it really did make me feel good to be lavished with so much female attention. Honestly, I felt better about our relationship before that happened and since have felt what is missing from my marriage. And why shouldn't we try to achieve the relationship and sexual experience that we desire? I know that the grass isn't necessarily greener elsewhere, but I just wish sometimes that her LL was PT.
So, besides just giving her time to initiate (and perhaps go down to once a month), any suggestions for getting her fire burning? I've really tried to figure out her LL and basically settle on them all except for PT. I just know what creates a negative effect....complaining (about anything).
Anyway, I appreciate your advice and telling me your own stories. I'll have to catch up on your threads.
