I'm new here. I have read DB/DR, but only the article about the sex-starved marriage.
My scenario Me (H): 36 Wife: 37
My problem isn't that I am in a sex-starved marriage. We average maybe a couple times a week, but it's always the same. My W is willing to have sex, but there isn't passion. She either won't or doesn't want to kiss me before or during. It usually comes down to oral (for her) and builds up to typical missionary position. The vast majority of times I'm the one that initiates and she just seems to go along with it without seeming all that interested-almost like she's resigned to the act. I've tried to discuss it with her and ask for more passion and more of a build-up to it, but she actually gets upset, says I'm never satisfied, I'm needy, and demanding. Trying to not be the one to initiate results in nothing happening. I don't know how long it would go if I didn't eventually make the move. And before you ask, yes, I've tried romancing her first....nice restaurant, flowers, bubble baths, massages, etc, and it still works out that she claims being sleepy. Her solution to that is a quicky in the late afternoon followed by putting our clothes back on and resuming everything else.
The problem is that it isn't just about sex for me. I want the whole ball of wax. I want to make out and "heavy pet". I want to take my time and build up to things. I would like to feel wanted and desirable (and I think I am..and I think other women would agree). I think that part of the problem is the disappointment I feel and she can pick up on. If things go for awhile and I'm feeling especially amorous, I think I'm sweeter, and she notices and appreciates it, but still, she never initiates or just enjoys the whole physical experience. It always just works out to be a quickie.
Compounding the problem is a recent experience. I went out with some friends and there was some much younger women out that I know. I was getting more of the attention I wish I got from my wife. They were vibrant, flirtatious, playful, and cuddly. I know that I should have discouraged it, but I didn't let it go any farther than just play. There were several girls, but one in particular was definitely putting on the pressure. I don't know if it would have went anywhere, but I made sure I kept it just friendly with flirting. I know, this is going in a very bad direction and I also know that a person of the opposite sex providing the things you're lacking can lead to actual feelings. I want to be with my wife, but I want things to be different....so both of us can get at least some of what we need.
I guess I'm looking for suggestions for firing my wife up. Letting her be in the driver's seat for a while or at least a time or two. Any ideas.
