Re CN I am afraid that he would stop wanting to have sex out of concern for how it feels for me I believe you are right, I know some of the reasons I am not more open with BB are about the same as your intuitions. Is your H like me? I wouldn't say so but we might be a little.
I think that there are very few matches made in heaven as far as marriage goes. I didn't have the sexual abuse but experienced a fair amount of verbal abuse so I think people like you, me, others, sometimes see what is wrong with a R, more so than someone that had more stability.
BB used to talk about matches made in heaven and "the one for me/her" I never bought in to that line of thinking. I saw how much work it was for my mother to keep things calm in the house when my stepfather blew up.
Mine were, I was approaching 30 and no one had asked me yet, I was afraid no one else would, he was nice to me I can picture all that Cine.
he was born and grew in the same community, his parents were still married, his parents were kind to me Same here with BB and me. I went to 28 schools from 1st to 10th grade and BB went to 2. Her parents and whole family treated me better than many of my relatives. It sure sounded better than my life.
I know it's late, and a lot of damage has been done, but I am ready to get in there and do the work required to make ours a marriage that will take us into our golden years together. Know it's too late???? Only for the water that has gone over the dam, but not too late for some future time.
I think guys depend on the woman to keep the M on track, so if your H understands where the M is now and where you see it going, I bet he will agree to the destination quicker than if only your H wanted a better M and you were just biding your time.
Maybe Dr Laura is wrong but that is her line of thinking. The W really sets the direction of the R/M (baring OW/sports/addictions) and the H sets the destination for the place and timing, mostly from the money he earns. But don't depend on me I have my R mess to deal with. You know, the blind trying to lead?
I still say that my H still hasn't evolved past seeing my pleasure as a trophy for his sexual prowess. He is only interested in providing me with pleasure to the extent that it feeds his ego. I will have to examine myself here. I know I used to see BB as what was her role/job and what was my role/job, so in a way I didn't think about what made BB happy/satisfied. I thought what made me happy, made everyone similar to me, made them happy too. I listened to BB. Did things I thought she wanted done/bought, but 20 years later, hear I didn't do things to her liking.
Cine, are you feeling left out more than this statement is true, or how your H acutely thinks of you. Are you sort of borrowing trouble???? Just a reflective question. I sort of get feeling things are worse than BB thinks they are.
He discounts the effort it takes me to soothe myself when I am deeply uncomfortable with physical contact So, has he ever attended sexual abuse classes or counseling sessions or any awareness programs. I think it takes several years of slow exposure for someone not abused to see the world similar to the abused persons sees or through their eyes.
please don't think I am making veiled statements about anyone on this board. Gosh cine, I wouldn't think you are saying anything about men in general. I see you are relating your story as it applies to you and your H.
I don't want you to think what I post, applies to your H's way of thinking or acting. I just put out my story and hope you can see something that helps you. Want to say I try to see things similar to how you might see things, trying to be empathetic and a fair listener. I don't pretend to have answers for a situation like yours, but just in case something helps, well then good.
The good feelings slide away so fast. Sorry Cine. That something that seems so global. I see where it could affect many things in your life.
In one of my c sessions, the c asked what was actually different about how I saw things before the back injury (real bad back pains, not working and I am what I do, well I was) and how a successful doctor saw my community.
It boiled down that the doctors shop in the same stores, stopped at the same traffic lights, went to the same ball games with their kids, had the same phone system as i did. Did it help, only some at the time, but I did see that my community hadn't changed so much as I had.
I wish I could help you see how other people hang on to those good feelings one gets from good relationships. You know some people have those good feelings that last a long time. How do they do it? Could you do part of what they do/feel?
nausea and claustrophobia I experience when we have sex. Wow, that is some revelation and I am sorry you feel this way.
BB gets the minor claustrophobia part and I can feel it sometimes, so she gets top side 95% of the time and if I am on top, I am a little physically distant.
I don't know about discussing the nausea part (not skilled in that area of discussions w/o implying/risking the OP makes one sick) but I would tell your H about the claustrophobia.
It's a place to start that is less personal than the nausea, but by with holding this information for many years, are you being honest to the R? You are part of the R so have to have your needs met.
Out of time and ideas cine so have to close. It is good to hear you say It's something I have to work on.
