The lighting o' the lightbulbs

[cinemanymph]

Lou,

Thanks for the (((()))), backatcha, Lou.

I think that there are very few matches made in heaven as far as marriage goes. There are all kinds of reasons for getting married. Mine were, I was approaching 30 and no one had asked me yet, I was afraid no one else would, he was nice to me, he was born and grew in the same community, his parents were still married, his parents were kind to me, he treated his mother like a treasure, he resembled my ex physically and I had dreams of a perfect wedding day. In my defence, I had no idea that none of these reasons had anything to do with actually being married. The models of marriage I had growing up did not prepare me for a lifetime commitment to anyone. I am trying to look to people who have put in the hard work and still are together in a thriving relationship after decades of good and bad times.

My reasons for staying married are much different than the ones I had for getting married. I'm in it now to take the steps to honor the vows I made over a decade ago. I know it's late, and a lot of damage has been done, but I am ready to get in there and do the work required to make ours a marriage that will take us into our golden years together.

I still say that my H still hasn't evolved past seeing my pleasure as a trophy for his sexual prowess. He is only interested in providing me with pleasure to the extent that it feeds his ego. He discounts the effort it takes me to soothe myself when I am deeply uncomfortable with physical contact. This is an issue I plan discussing. I am not saying this about anyone but my H, so please don't think I am making veiled statements about anyone on this board.

What about me? What function does my H's pleasure serve for me? I know the difference between open interaction and just laying there waiting for it to be over. I'm convinced that he feels the difference. It is difficult for me to attain that openess, but I'm getting better at it.

I used to want him to experience the nausea and claustrophobia I experience when we have sex. I have the tools to show him that now, but don't want to. I am afraid that he would stop wanting to have sex out of concern for how it feels for me. I use breathing to get past the physical discomfort and usually end up enjoying myself.

The good feelings slide away so fast. I can't hold on to them. That is why the connection with my ex was something I kept going back to, it was the only time in my life that I could hold on to the good feeling. I can make deep connections with my friends/family and it slides away almost as soon as it happens. It's something I have to work on.