The lighting o' the lightbulbs

[cinemanymph]

crazedmom,

I was going to begin this post by saying that I never had an A, but to be fair, what follows is just as bad if not worse.

I relate to the OM scenario to the extent that, for years, I believed that an exboyfriend of mine was the one for me. He broke it off because I was clingy and distant by turns and after the breakup did some things I'm not proud of to get him to reestablish a relationship with me. For the better part of two decades, I thought if I could just get him to marry me, my life would be great. I spent many hours inventing scenarios where we would meet and he would find me irresistable and we would not be able to keep from declaring undying love for each other. I didn't take into account all the people who would be hurt (my H, his W, everyones children) if he actually returned my affections. I didn't take into account that, in reality, he didn't in any way shape or form want me. In fact, though we live in the same community, he has gone out of his way to avoid me. I began to see myself through his eyes and I came off looking like a bunny boiling exgirlfriend who shows up uninvited demanding why he is with someone else or drives by his house 17 times in the same day. Not exactly attractive. I realized that what we had was not love, because I was not capable of loving anyone. It was a sick and twisted desire to take over his life because I felt like he had a better life than my own. If I could have his life, then it would make me better. What I wanted was impossible for him to give and even if he could, he would have to be incredibly weak to give it to me. I stopped living in the fantasy that anyone could rescue me from myself. With my ex, I had the opportunity to feel the deepest connection humans are capable of. Instead of being a brat because it didn't continue, I should have been thanking my lucky stars that I had that connection, even for a short time.

I spent a lot of time being unforgiving of my H simply because he wasn't the exboyfriend. For that I am truly sorry. I don't know if this is something I want to discuss with him. I don't know if it would go a long way to explaning why things have been the way they have, or will it make things so bad that we can't repair them. I don't feel like I need to undburden this to him. I don't feel guilty, I feel sorry. I've worked through it and it is no longer an issue. I am seeking to create that connection with my H. I know that it takes courage and willingness to express my inner self to him. I am in the beginning steps.