The lighting o' the lightbulbs

[cinemanymph]

Well folks,

I could make all sorts of excuses, but it comes down to this; I copped out. I got right up to the edge, looked down, and ran back to where it felt safe and stayed there. I just wouldn't transfer the thoughts in my mind to his ears. I even started thinking I was silly for even entertaining the idea that we deserve better. I'm not looking for sympathy, just trying to keep the situation grounded in reality. Maybe this is the kind of thing I have to do, reguardless of how petrified I feel. It's real hard to behave like a powerful woman when I feel like a scared little girl.

[OG_Lou]

Re Cine' I got right up to the edge, looked down,

I just wanted to say I can hold your cyber hand (empathy) and let you know some days just looking over the edge takes courage.

It's real hard to behave like a powerful woman when I feel like a scared little girl.
How about something in the middle? Maybe powerful for a few minuets at a time? A few days at a time? You know it isn't an either or or thing for the rest of your life.

Any way, just wanted you to know I admire you for doing the things you have done and will do in the future.

Lou

[Greeneyedlass]

Cine,

I can so relate to what this means (It's real hard to behave like a powerful woman when I feel like a scared little girl.) BTDT...all I can say is, the first time is the hardest. Does it ever get easy? No, not really...but it does get easier.

You will eventually screw up enough courage to get those words past your lips. Sometimes you just have to jump off that cliff and fly rather than fall.

GEL

[cinemanymph]

GEL, Lou, et al,

It's good to know you're out there supporting me. The strength you extend through your posts are appreciated more than you know. Thank you.

Giving up immature ideas about how marriage and family work is a hard thing to do. Being the one to step up and say the difficult things ain't easy. But someone has to do it. I feel like time is getting away and if I don't take the opportunities when they present themselves, not only will I regret it, but it will negatively impact my family.

Thanks again everyone,
Cine.

[Greeneyedlass]

Cine,

What you said is exactly true! It is difficult to give up those preconceived notions of what things should be...isn't it? That's what I struggled with within my own M with our sitch....once I did though things started relaxing and improving.

Saying those tough things is hard, but you will find once you start saying them....avoiding the conflict will become less and less appealing in the future....because you won't be afraid of it....you will know you can face it.

GEL

[Chrissy]

Cin,

I have complete faith you can handle this situation and will do so in the mannor you are comfortable with and in a time frame you are comfortable with. You may have a few failed attempts but one day you have the strength and the determination to walk to the edge and realize that it is not that far down and just go for it.

I wish you all the luck on this Journey.

[cinemanymph]

crazedmom,

I was going to begin this post by saying that I never had an A, but to be fair, what follows is just as bad if not worse.

I relate to the OM scenario to the extent that, for years, I believed that an exboyfriend of mine was the one for me. He broke it off because I was clingy and distant by turns and after the breakup did some things I'm not proud of to get him to reestablish a relationship with me. For the better part of two decades, I thought if I could just get him to marry me, my life would be great. I spent many hours inventing scenarios where we would meet and he would find me irresistable and we would not be able to keep from declaring undying love for each other. I didn't take into account all the people who would be hurt (my H, his W, everyones children) if he actually returned my affections. I didn't take into account that, in reality, he didn't in any way shape or form want me. In fact, though we live in the same community, he has gone out of his way to avoid me. I began to see myself through his eyes and I came off looking like a bunny boiling exgirlfriend who shows up uninvited demanding why he is with someone else or drives by his house 17 times in the same day. Not exactly attractive. I realized that what we had was not love, because I was not capable of loving anyone. It was a sick and twisted desire to take over his life because I felt like he had a better life than my own. If I could have his life, then it would make me better. What I wanted was impossible for him to give and even if he could, he would have to be incredibly weak to give it to me. I stopped living in the fantasy that anyone could rescue me from myself. With my ex, I had the opportunity to feel the deepest connection humans are capable of. Instead of being a brat because it didn't continue, I should have been thanking my lucky stars that I had that connection, even for a short time.

I spent a lot of time being unforgiving of my H simply because he wasn't the exboyfriend. For that I am truly sorry. I don't know if this is something I want to discuss with him. I don't know if it would go a long way to explaning why things have been the way they have, or will it make things so bad that we can't repair them. I don't feel like I need to undburden this to him. I don't feel guilty, I feel sorry. I've worked through it and it is no longer an issue. I am seeking to create that connection with my H. I know that it takes courage and willingness to express my inner self to him. I am in the beginning steps.

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy,

Good to hear from ya! Thanks for checking in and the encouraging words. I feel a constant pressure to get this dialog started. Each time we ML without bringing whats on our minds about sex to light, feels more wrong than usual. I just can't go on like this.

[cinemanymph]

crazedmom,

Well, I am being brutally honest with myself and the bb members. It takes too much energy to cover up all the bad choices I've made and the atrocious actions I've taken. I need to direct that energy into repairing the pain I've caused. I'm not to blaming anyone for my shortcomings. I'm trying to learn something from the painful episodes in my life. And making efforts to feel the joy and abundance that surrounds me. Ironically, the last one seems to be the hardest one.

[cinemanymph]

crazedmom,

I wanted to stress that the exboyfriend was long before I met my H. I married H still carrying a torch for the ex. My ex and I had broken up years before. I thought I would fall in love with my H and forget all about my ex, but was naive about how marriage works.

I am now trying to establish a loving relationship with my H from a more mature perspective.

Peace is hopeful goal. For me, there was a lot of backstepping before I realized that saw how destructive my way of thinking was. It truly was an addiction. Anytime I was feeling uncomfortable, I retreated into my fantasy. I stop myself from going there now by telling myself that while it was powerful and felt fabulous for a short time, it wasn't the right time or place for me. I try to be thankful for the opportunity to feel that way about someone else and view it as a template for connection with my H now.

You're on the right track, crazedmom. Realization that the solution comes from inside is a great start. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.