The lighting o' the lightbulbs

[cinemanymph]

IHJ,
Thank you for the encouraging post.

My desire is more along the lines of Pierce Brosnan (in anything). He is assured of his masculinity and knows that he will close the deal. He can leave sexual interaction at one sizzeling look or a single searing kiss, knowing that there is going to be one h*ll of a hot tryst later in the day or maybe tomorrow. He knows his woman will be begging him and doesn't get cocky about it. He is like the best athlete who doesn't have to showboat. That is the kind of behavior that drives me over the edge.

My H is an instant gratification guy. He wants the world and he wants it now. It simply doesn't occur to him that I may not feel the same way.

[CeMar]

cinemanynyph:

When women become LD, the FIRST thing that will be damaged/destroyed is the male masculinity. Men really begin to question themselves and lose all confidence when the women they want does not want in return. It can destroy his world.

As for the Pierce Brosnan type interaction, I believe this is a fantasy that you will also see in romance novels. Sure, this works in NEW relationships. Here is what I would see as a typical marriage, they start ML everyday. Then the complexities of life move in and the womens natural lose of libido as she ages. So everyday turns into once a week, and once a week turns into once a month, and only gets worse. So that expectation that the man is supposed to have of getting it tomorrow goes right out the window. Under those conditions, the mans confidence is going to be replaced by insecurity and then resentment. I guess what I am trying to say is that when you are married to a LD female, their is NOTHING to be confident in that is based upon HER sexuality. Her sexuality is COMPLETELY unrealiable. This is why I think that the female equivalent of the alpha male (Pierce Brosnan in your example) is the sexually confident women (the HD female).

[cinemanymph]

Cemar,

I did not "become" LD. I have been LD all my life. If my H's masculinity is damaged, it isn't because of my LD, it is because he never had a good sense of his masculinity to begin with. I don't say that to be mean, I say it because it is the truth. I am responsible of the same lack of mature feminity. My hope for both of us is that he gets his "man-vibe" on and we can go forth and beget many exciting erotic journeys together. It is going to take both of us giving up our adolescent notions of sex and it ain't gonna be easy. I don't want a romance novel fantasy. I want my man to be assured enough of himself not to grab at me like a 16 year old on his first gropefest. I want my man to give me a red hot chili pepper kiss first thing in the morning and leave it at that.....until later. I want to see that gleam in his eye acrossed the dinner table and fulfill those desires at midnight. I may never be the quicky type. For me, right here, right now sex is an aquired taste, one which I may or may not aquire.

[Corri]

CeMar;

I love you, but you are way off on this one. Knock it off.

There are other things that have happened in Cine's life that are contributing factors to LD... which I personally do not believe in. There are only crossed wires and men with entitlement issues... at least in Cine's life. Ahem.

Corri

[cinemanymph]

Thanks for takin' up the gauntlet for me, Corri .

Cemar, ya gotta understand, I am not blaming anyone for my sitch nor trying to fantasize it away, just exploring solutions. I blamed my childhood, my husbands boorish behavior, my exboyfriend who dumped and devastated me, my extremely repressed grandmother. You name them, I blamed them. Putting all my energy into blaming everyone for my problems robbed me of the power to do anything. At the end of the day, it comes down to me and what I can do to make my life and the lives of those I care about better.

My H is taking tomorrow off work. We have the whole day sans children. I am going to tell him about my realization and see where things go from there. I'm scared and excited.

[Lillieperl]

Putting all my energy into blaming everyone for my problems robbed me of the power to do anything.

Very wise words, cine, and good advice for all of us, INCLUDING CeMar.

[OG_Lou]

Re Cemar Then the complexities of life move in and the women's natural lose of libido as she ages. So everyday turns into once a week, and once a week turns into once a month, and only gets worse. So that expectation that the man is supposed to have of getting it tomorrow goes right out the window. Under those conditions, the mans confidence is going to be replaced by insecurity and then resentment

Cemar, I see that pattern too. I especially see/feel the replaced by insecurity and then resentment part right now. FWIW to anyone reading this thread as just information into some male's mind.

I don't agree with you that a person always have to feel/know that you are somehow less of a man. I don't always feel less of a man, but do experience the frustrations because of my morally limited ways to express my sexuality, and wanting to keep things a float with in the M. I can say I have been down many times.

Re cinemanymph
If my H's masculinity is damaged, it isn't because of my LD, it is because he never had a good sense of his masculinity to begin with.
Cine, if he never had a "GOOD" sense of his masculinity to begin with, that it is a problem I have dealt with as a younger person. For a long time I was OK, and now with more R problems, the sense of masculinity I had is not working as well as it used to.

I see some of this lack of masculinity in some (not all) of Chrom's inner thinking's as he posts them. I am just saying this "damaged male masculinity" thing might be more common than some people and some men are willing to admit.

I "try" to imagine what it might feel like to be some of the posters or some of the SO's of the posters and relate my experiences to shed some light on the subject. I don't know if I succeed in that department very well.

Re Corri
There are only crossed wires and men with entitlement issues...
Corri, I assume by crossed wires you are referring to women (in this case some of the difficulties and traumas cine has experienced) and/or general male and female relationship issues.

I hope you didn't mean all men have entitlement issues. Well now that you said something, yes I have entitlement issues. I think they are called things that turn me on like having a willing partner that can have some fun/enjoyment with me if and when we have sex. Not wanting to feel or be told, some of the things I do or want are not appreciated or are inappropriate. But I don't think that is what you are talking about in this case.

Re cine You name them, I blamed them. Putting all my energy into blaming everyone for my problems robbed me of the power to do anything
Way to go cinemanymph. I think many people get to this point.

Like so many other posters, I see what I don't like in the R more than I see what power or influence I still have. It is really hard work sometimes finding what works and building on those items.

I am going to tell him about my realization and see where things go from there. I'm scared and excited.
Cine, my best wishes will be with you and your H. I am pulling for both of you.

Lou

[cac4]

...Like so many other posters, I see what I don't like in the R more than I see what power or influence I still have.

that's the kicker in all of this. feeling "powerless" to do anything about it. The only choice is to suck it up and deal with it.

[cinemanymph]

Lil,

Thank you. I finally got it. I don't have to let my previous bad behavior define who I am and what I do now. By the same token, I don't have to let others bad behavior stop my efforts to make things better. Someone elses behavior is not my responsibility. I can forgive previous trangressions and move on. It's very liberating.

[Corri]

Lou:

Re Corri
There are only crossed wires and men with entitlement issues...
Corri, I assume by crossed wires you are referring to women (in this case some of the difficulties and traumas cine has experienced) and/or general male and female relationship issues.

I hope you didn't mean all men have entitlement issues. Well now that you said something, yes I have entitlement issues. I think they are called things that turn me on like having a willing partner that can have some fun/enjoyment with me if and when we have sex. Not wanting to feel or be told, some of the things I do or want are not appreciated or are inappropriate. But I don't think that is what you are talking about in this case.

Actually, Lou, I was specifically referring to Cine and CeMar with that comment. I saw a very insensitive remark to Cine's issues by CeMar, a man whom I think is BURIED in entitlement... and pain. Because he thinks he has no choices.

I don't really bother to elaborate with CeMar anymore. I just throw out comments without care if he figures them out or not, sometimes. That makes me pretty insensitive, too, doesn't it? Pot calling the kettle black kind of thing.

But that is how it goes. When we feel we have no choice, when we feel powerless... that is exactly what we are.

You are not powerless, Lou. Neither is Hairdog, or any other person here. We just all, for our own reasons, limit our own choices, by our own CHOICE. And then we get pissed at our spouses for it.

I'm not pointing fingers here, believe me. I've done it, too, and I continue to do it, and hopefully, given that I consider myself a pretty smart women, I'll bust my own azz for it and get over myself.

Cine has it right. When we blame others for our behaviors, you remove all power, all choice. It really is as simple as that. Facing the fear and the doubt, and whatever lies below it is really hard. Far easier to continue to blame.

God, it sucks stepping up to the plate. But there you go. That's what life is. Stepping up.

Corri