Now that you can clearly see what you need and want from him, but also realize that you have as much responsibility for the state of things, you are actually at the beginning of a new road.
How will you tell him about your realizations?
How will he react?
How are you going to deal with the hurt feelings (personalizing) that you both are going have when you start getting honest with him?
Why not start it off with some radical honesty?
If I am anywhere close to understanding what you are trying to say, I would recommend something along these lines.
H I recently had some ligh bulbs go off. For the first time I can see a time and place where we have an intimate R, and a great sex life. The thing is there is some things that I am going to need to talk to you about, and work WITH me on. (not work on for me, or work on) and I need you to not take them personally. I am going to tell them to you BECAUSE I want a great sexually fullfilling R with YOU.
Im scared to get started because I dont know how you will react. I want you to know up front there is going to be some serious unpleasantness for both of us to get there. I want to get started though. If you want to deal with this with me, let me know when.'
Being congruent --- with our feelings like this, conscious of our self, knowing what we want, having this sort of fearless personal self integrity (different then morality) is not easy. When we are though, it becomes much easier to see other peoples 'acting out' as their problem. Honestly it scares a lot of people. Not only that, but they dont believe it.
Its their fears driving the...reactivity, not us. (As long as we are not being intentionally cruel. If you were like that, you wouldnt be feeling this remorse though.)
If this doesnt ring for you, feel free to say What the hell are you talking about... .
Every time you are afraid of rejection and pain, remember your the most important woman in his life. He is just as sensitive to it as you. Whenever that inner voice in your head says, 'If he loved me he would do.....(fillintheblank)' his innervoice is probably doing the same.
Personally, Im really happy for you. What is ahead is not going to be easy, but it does have hope and possiblility.
There is a couple other things I noticed, but Corri is getting started on them allready, and I want to make sure I am understanding you. Gotta keep my backside covered. Corris got them pointy shoes.
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