Welcome Home... LONG POST

[Sandy_wants_to_try]

Geek,
I think I've been in this situation quite a few times.... as the other side - the W. I'm not saying it's exactly the same... but it could be. Maybe if I post what I was thinking during those times, it might give you some insight on how to handle this?

I left town for business for two weeks. During that time Ms.Geek had to do 100% of the work at home (two kids and a job) while I was gone.

So, I know it doesn't help when I set up these scenarios, but that is pretty much the way it played out... not only that, but the first 36 hours were full of stabbing statements like "the ice cube tray never ran empty while you were away" or "the trash was taken out EVERY day while you were gone..."

Now, don't get me wrong... everyone also said dozens of times that they were SO happy to have me back and MISSED me so much. But, I did not see any spark in my wife's eye, so I just put sex on the shelf the first two nights.



W post: So my H left for work for a couple of weeks. On the one hand it was really great because I got time to to stuff for my myself and with the kids. On the other hand it was really stressful because I didn't have any help to do things. I'm exhausted but I also missed H. When H finally came back, I was hoping he would have missed me too. I pictured him bringing me flowers and telling me how much he missed me. Ot telling me he had been to a great hotel and that he would take me on a weekend trip there just by ourselves. But no, he came back tired and stressed again. He didn't seem excited to see me at all. Didn't really want to tell me much about the trip. Why do I even hope for these things... he never does them anyway. He never does anything! Look at all the stuff that I got done even by myself that he never seems to have the time or mind set to do!

So that's it then, no hugs, no I missed you, no compliments. He obviously doesn't want me. Hmmm.. why doesn't he want me? Doesn't he want sex? Maybe he had sex there and doesn't want it? OMG. Maybe he had an A? Well, I'll watch out and see if he makes any moves.





On the second night I was up 30 minutes later than wife watching tv with daughter and came to bed with her half asleep. No problem... (this is a foreshadowing event that you will understand later).



W post: Well he's been back for over a day and he still doesn't want me. I went to bed and he didn't even feel the need to come to bed at the same time as me. He knows how tired I am. Why does he exepct me to wait up for him. Maybe he just needs to relax a bit. Maybe it was a really stressful trip. Oh well, maybe tomorrow.

So, Saturday and Sunday are pretty rough with serious talks (not quite arguements) about everything under the sun... mainly how much of a jerk I'm being since I got home... though she also comes clean about the fact that she has been pretty abrasive to me.


W post: Ugh! He can't seem to understand how exhausting this week was for me! Couldn't he take care of me and things just for a few days? Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. I'm frustrated that he doesn't find me attractive enough anymore to rip my clothes off and say he wants me and I'm angry at this Mom/housekeeper that I've become.

So Sunday afternoon seems to start going smooth again and I'm thinking that if we are going to have "welcome home" sex it would probably be tonight. She seems friendly, but that's about it. She tells me she is going to bed at 10:30pm. I sit there for a minute or two debating if I should jump up and follow her upstairs. I just can't do it. There are a number of reasons...


Ok, so maybe I've been a little too mean to him. I'll be friendly so that the opportunity for "welcome home" sex can arise. So at about 10.30, after hanging around him and staying up just waiting for him to say something, I go to bed a little early saying "I'm going to bed". I expected him to join me! I though by going to bed early we could fool around but still not be so tired the next day. I mean he must be wanting some by now, right? What if he doesn't? He must really not be attracted ot me at all if he doesn't want it by now.

He didn't come to bed. That hurts me a lot. I obviously mean nothing to him if TV was more important than making love to me.

The things is:

1. we haven't gotten along well since H got home and that does not make me feel close to him

2. After being Mom all day, it takes a while to get horny. I wish he would sweep me up sometimes and make me feel like a sexy woman. Sometimes he holds back like he's waiting for me to take more action in bed, but really, I need to feel sexy. And he doesn't make me feel sexy.

3. I give him hints that I'm in the mood, but he just doesn't seem to get it. I don't want to just say it because I'm afraid of getting hurt when he turns me down. I don't want to give him that power.




I lay there waiting for him to come to bed, getting more and more upset and frustrated. When he finally did come to bed, I was half asleep. He kissed me but made no other moves. By this time I was angry with all the scenarios going through my head: he doesn't love me. He doesn't find me the least bit sexy. He never romantically just sweeps me off my feet to ML. I lay there for a while thinking if maybe I should initiate but again I get worried he'll say he's too tired. Then he starts snoring. OK, yes he's still tired from his trip. Maybe.
I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night horny, but I did that once and I didn't get the reaction I was expecting so I never tried again. I know it was just once, but he really didn't seem to enjoy it.
Why doesn't he touch me????? Am I really that disgusting? He must want sex, right? Why would he be doing this to me? He must be doing it to hurt me for something I've done. Well if he's going to be that way it's ridiculous!! I'll talk to him tomorrow. Something is wrong!

Yes, some parts are ridiculous. But it's what can go through our heads. While each is expecting the other to back down, to intiaite, to be romantic, to make a move... nothing changes. So, to DB: Do something different!

The night my H dropped the bomb, the subject of sex came up in a very candid manner. He thought that one of the signs that we just weren't meant to be together was how our sex life had dwindled. In his mind, we only ML once a month. That's not true - it was more often than that, but both of us had wanted it more. Why didn't we have it more? Because of silly miscommunications like the one you just described. He thought XXX, I thought YYY and it never came out in the open. There were probably nights when both he and I were lying in bed thinking "Why doesn't she/he initiate?" Oh he/she must be tired/stressed/mad/sad/etc, etc, etc...

How different it would have been if we had just come clean about it.
In the beginning of our R, we used to have a code word for when we were feeling horny. We used it when we were in public settings so the other would know instantly that we were in the mood, no matter where we were. We stopped using it after a while... what a stupid thing to do.

Bring it out in the open, Geek. Don't play games and use body language. Be honest. I'll bet that most of the time you're feeling horny, she is too.