Well, it definately sucks that I'm here posting again, but I just need to put my thoughts "down on digital paper" so I can work them through my system.
WARNING: this is extremely long and I'm not expecting many people to read it all or respond to it - I just need to get it out of my system and this is how I do it.
I left town for business for two weeks. During that time Ms.Geek had to do 100% of the work at home (two kids and a job) while I was gone.
On my side I got to be a bachelor for two weeks. Of course, I did not go anywhere (I'm not a social person). BUT, I did get to do a lot of things that would not be acceptable at home. Even though my sex life was "solo" as you will understand, it was totally on my schedule with me fantasizing about whatever I wanted. These times are quite uplifting AND at the same time very detrimental to our relationship. I of course start thinking about how nice it would be to have this level of comfort at HOME with a person I have been with for 20 years. It upsets me that I must keep my sexual nature in the closet when at home and lower my level to hers so that SHE is comfortable.
So, as Friday rolls around other guys in the class I'm attending are getting excited and saying things like "I'm gonna get laid tonight - can't wait!" - and I'm thinking "not me, I'm going to get home to a tired woman who has been working 24x7 since I left and will have NO interest in sex..."
So, I know it doesn't help when I set up these scenarios, but that is pretty much the way it played out... not only that, but the first 36 hours were full of stabbing statements like "the ice cube tray never ran empty while you were away" or "the trash was taken out EVERY day while you were gone..."
Now, don't get me wrong... everyone also said dozens of times that they were SO happy to have me back and MISSED me so much. But, I did not see any spark in my wife's eye, so I just put sex on the shelf the first two nights. On the second night I was up 30 minutes later than wife watching tv with daughter and came to bed with her half asleep. No problem... (this is a foreshadowing event that you will understand later).
So, Saturday and Sunday are pretty rough with serious talks (not quite arguements) about everything under the sun... mainly how much of a jerk I'm being since I got home... though she also comes clean about the fact that she has been pretty abrasive to me.
So Sunday afternoon seems to start going smooth again and I'm thinking that if we are going to have "welcome home" sex it would probably be tonight. She seems friendly, but that's about it. She tells me she is going to bed at 10:30pm. I sit there for a minute or two debating if I should jump up and follow her upstairs. I just can't do it. There are a number of reasons...
1. we haven't gotten along well since I got home and that does not make me feel close to her
2. she is very selfish in bed - I do all the work, so when I'm not 100% horny it is real hard to get ME and HER in the mood, conduct the entire event to her liking, etc...
3. she has not TOLD me she was in the mood, she has not WINKED, HINTED, ANYTHING - she is asking me to put my neck out on her sexual chopping block based on the simple fact that she has been pleasant to be around and is going to bed 5 MINUTES before her normal bedtime.
4. she told me a month ago that I do not need to worry about her sexual needs - she is an adult and is capable of asking / initiating if she has the desire
5. lately, she has insisted on having sex without birth control - she says "I'm not going to get pregnant" her only reasoning being the fact that she is over 40. We have had the dicussion a dozen times - she would not be sad one bit if we had more children - I am quite happy with the two we have and have no desire to go back to changing diapers. I feel that her manipulating me to have sex without a condom is her version of russian roulette in which she can only win. As such, it makes me resistant to have sex with her because I know we are going to get to that debate each time now.
So, I just kinda take my time getting to bed and make it up there at 11:05pm (which is about 30 minutes after she went). She is half asleep again JUST LIKE THE NIGHT BEFORE... and I kiss her goodnight and climb into bed. I actually find myself laying there in such a WEIRD situation where I am praying that she WILL NOT touch me or want sex - while at the SAME time I'm dying from lack of sex - I don't think anyone can understand how this feels except for you guys here on this board.
So, she does nothing and I fall asleep. I wake up several times during the night. Once at 2:30AM with a full erection. Of course, if she wakes up in the middle of the night "in the mood" she wakes me (has happened once in the past year) - and it doesn't matter what is on my schedule for the next day... I tried waking her once in the middle of the night and almost got my manhood chopped off.
So, I'm not doing anything about it and I just go back to sleep. So, I get up in the morning feeling disappointed and confused, but definately not expecting the reception I got from her in the kitchen. She is pissed. You can tell, but she's trying to hide it. So, I go jogging and figure we'll talk when I get back. So, I get back and when I walk into the bedroom she says to me "you didn't come to bed last night." "WHAT? I came to bed last night at 11:05pm and you kissed me goodnight. What are you talking about?" So, now we go through 15 minutes of low level arguement about me "not coming to bed" which I learn is code for "didn't initiate sex".
She says that I have now ruined her day. I'm making her wish I had not come home. Things where less stressful without me.
I tell her that while I admit being uncomfortable about our sex life right now - I did NOT make a concious decision to HURT her. She feels that I did and that I resisted "coming to bed" last night only to hurt her.
The only connection this has to the truth is that everytime she said something spiteful to me since my return home I felt my sex drive drop a notch. So, to say that I did not have sex with her because I'm holding a grudge could hold some weight - though it could also be argued that I cannot be expected to be "in the mood" all the time when someone is taunting and prodding me.
She of course, thinks I'm the one causing all the problems. I even told her "what about your statement last month about how YOU can initiate when you want it because you are an adult...why is it MY fault we did not have sex last night?"
Her answer is "that was last month. It has nothing to do with the situation at hand - which is Mr.Geek not coming to bed because he wanted only to HURT Ms.Geek"
So, now she is going off to work all miserable and I have to wait 8 hours so we can pick it up where we left off.
I knew that all the discomfort we were feeling would be gone once we had sex. If I had just DONE IT last night we would be "over the discomfort hump" so to speak. But, it was the fact that I HAD to do it even though she was doing NOTHING to welcome the event that made me turn off.
As a matter of fact, the night I came home I tested the waters with a few touches and light kisses and EVERY one was met with repulsion.
So, now it will be several days before we are both anywhere near comfortable enough to have sex. Then it will be plain vanilla sex followed by 2-3 weeks of no sex (everything back to normal for her) - for me, the start of a crappy sex life again.
Yet, I wish we could just have sex or that I had just done it last night so I would not have to go through her pissy mood for three days with me being required to say "I'm sorry" every 15 minutes. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known how much she was hoping to have sex last night it probably would have turned me on - instead, I was left sitting on the couch wondering how she felt because she was not showing any signs...
Well, I think I'll just end it there and try to find something to do that will take my mind off this crap.
