The Little Black Book

[runningoutoftime]

I kind of worry about this too now that my husband has started moving back in. I have my cheat information on the computer as well and the other day he was over helping our son access a math website. I had to leave and pick up another child, but the thought about him seeing this stuff on the computer occurred to me too.

Even worse, last night one of my friends who is going through divorce called and he could hear me talking with her and giving her advice about calming down after a situation with her husband. Yikes!!!!

My guess about this idea of a hollywood reconciliation. I think a lot of us imagine it and hope for it, but it's just not typically like that. Sometimes you get a little "honeymoon-like" period, but I think the reality is that there it's not an easy transition and there's a slew of emotions (both good and bad).

[Delil@h]

Oh Alimary, when will I get to that stage? I'm still whining and asking asking so much from him

I need to take totally to heart what you wrote, I'm still holding some grudges, still making up scenarios in my mind, "fortune telling" negatively.

I need so much to read encouraging words like your post, I'm still having a pity party, but I do love my H, I just have to let him come to me and love him unconditionally even if he isn't very lovable at times.

Thanks luv)))))))))))))))))

I dunno when you will get to the stage I am at honey but it does take alot of hard work and I sometimes wonder how many times I can bite my tongue too..
I have learned alot here and I am so grateful for this Board.
I am glad that just reading my post would help you. Just this morning I got those feelings of wow he did hurt me alot or thinking about the " OW" too and him " being " with her.
Give yourself time to heal but do not force him to be a part of that healing.. yes in a "Marriage" he is supposed to be willing to step up to the plate to help you get thru this but now you have to step up to the plate by yourself and lick your own wounds.

He is home and now YOU must do the hard work of still working on YOU and healing... also I posted on your Sexual issues thread,,, I recommended you get the book Passionate Marriage by: David Scnarch MD ,, it is absolutely fabulous.

And as far as the way you feel honey I get down too, yes we have the blessing of restoring our Marriages and now we must give ourselves the GIFT only we can give ourselves to let go and realize yes we had a part to play but our H did not have to choose the path they did. Give yourself the gift of knowing that YOU are beautiful ,,,
YOU are valuable

and THE " OW " can not take that away. I work at this daily b/c I know I will never get my H to help me feel whole again that is something I MUST do for myself... He would rather pretend he never did something so horrendous.

I firmly believe I think about her now more than he ever ever does... he has had no contact with her for almost 2 months now. In 6 days it will be 2 months , I know cause he does not know I have access to his cell phone records and he has not called her number since then. It makes me happy to know that he is doing the right thing , he has no idea I can check and he himself has chosen not to call her.So I feel good in knowing that he stopped calling cause he himself chose to.

I will admit that shortly before he talked to her last I did tell him that if he continued to allow her to call and we were working towards a better M that I would no longer have any part of it so he had to decide and he decided that our M meant more to him than the "OW"
After I told him this she called him and their convo lasted all of 2 minutes.
It took another almost 4 weeks to go by and they were painful for me after he last spoke to her...

to ask him to remove her number, her pic she sent inside his phone and a TM she had sent. He would frequently ask me what was wrong when I was thinking about this subject and I would reply nothing is wrong and smile,, then one day I felt the time was right after he asked me again " What is wrong honey?" and asked him nicely to remove this junk. And he grabbed his phone deleted all of it and said " DONE" and smiled at me. He had access to her number for 5 weeks and made no contact with her,, I look back now and that makes me feel better. ( Although fear will creep in every now and again cause the " OW" is really good friends with my SIL and just 2 weeks ago she said to my H " XXXXXXX says to say hi to you.." the volume on his cell was really high and as I heard her say this and he was in our bedroom with me he immediately turned the volume down. So if he "really" wanted to talk to her he could even if the number is erased... but I can only have faith that if I am the best me I can be that he will never have a need to be with " OW" again)

So you see it is natural to have ups and downs but just be the best you you can be during the hard part of Reconciliation,, the way I see it is I have a special place reserved for me in Heaven and I have My H back too, the other stuff is just Baggage I need to get rid of..


Before the day he deleted her stuff from his cell...I thought about this daily and it hurt TREMENDOUSLY that he would keep it. I thought how arrogant...

...but I remebered he was home and I had reached my Goal

, and posted here and got some great 2x4s and I would let it go..

Sorry now I am rambling but I hope I helped you some and if you ever need a lift me up ....feel free to stop by my thread and let me know.
You can do this, I PROMISE, ( I know first hand...I used to be one of the most jealous ,insecure Ladies you would ever meet , well it did not help that he had cheated on me before) just get stronger within yourself honey...

I remember Daily if I got thru the seperation and going to file for a " D " for him.
..... and him not going thru with the " D".

I can make it thru anything....

I am a much better stronger Woman now than I have been for years.. It feels good to love yourself enough to know ...
"....that I can live with integrity."

even when he hasn't.
And like you said sometimes he is very unloveable.... Love him more. Do not be a doormat,,, just show him the best you and be full of life and passion .. they need you way more than they let on...
God bless..

[cat03]

hey Alimari, it helped me tremendously to read your posts, I remember that day I was gloomy and aprehensive, I didnt know how to act towards H when he came home for the week, after I read your posts it was as if a light turned on my heart and all I wanted was just to love him and make him feel at ease w/me, to be me and to free myself from the ow junk.

You are totally right, we prob think a whole lot more about the op than they do! how ironic.

I've been visiting your thread for inspiration when I feel like withhold affection to my H when I rehash the old hurts, thanks hon)))))))))))))))))

[Delil@h]

No problem sweetie, from all the posts I read that you put in others threads you sound soooooooooooooooooo D*mn happy and bubbly do you let your hubby see this side of you? I know in my sitch ,for some reason, I used to hide that side of me ,not anymore though... Thank God.
God bless...

[cat03]

you think so? well, I'm trying each time to act normal, sometimes I just have to hold myself so I'm not just trying to please him all the time. And today I realized "heck, when we were dating Ididnt' act this way!"
I do try to act happy and relaxed, I will now keep in mind this is what he also wants, some normalcy. So I will jut be me, and normally I do try to be happy, guess it works, my kids spend 98% of the time giggling and smiling, my little sunshines

[Delil@h]

he also wants, some normalcy.

Yes he most likely does....I read back in June when I snooped on hubbies phone that they were planning on getting married etc.etc. That was painful and when I look at him I love him but would like to wring his neck too once in awhile but I just smile and be me. Why ruin what we are working towards now b/c he was temporarily insane. Will they ever admit it???? I highly doubt it so WE must be happy...)

xoxo LUV Have a wonderful day and a fabulous weekend .
Focus in the postive and a bright future let go of the negative one day at a time....
God bless...

[verycrazy]

Yeah, that hurt when I found out my H and OW were planning on getting married, too. I don't know what they are planning now, I'm totally in the dark which is maybe not a bad thing? Maybe it makes it easier for my mind to work on things while he is still at home. Good Luck to you, may we all have the same good fortune. L

[runningoutoftime]

I'm trying each time to act normal, sometimes I just have to hold myself so I'm not just trying to please him all the time. And today I realized "heck, when we were dating Ididnt' act this way!"

For a long time I was kind of like that perfect "stepford" wife. I spent a lot of time bending over backwards trying to make my husband happy. All I felt like was a doormat and it still didn't "fix" things. Now I realize many of his problems were his (certainly I'm not perfect there are still things for me to work on and I will still put effort into the relationship... but I won't take all the blame or be a repository for a mountain of criticism). I've learned I need to be myself and be strong and confident.

[Phoenix_spark]

Definately the right approach, I am working on that myself.

[Delil@h]

PERFECT WAY TO PUT IT.. I WAS ONCE a stepford Wife too.... not anymore. And there is that fine line ... I love him now more than ever and yet I realize for him to be happy I have to be happy too I give him unconditional love and I realize that I am human too. I used to feel like that too... "sheesh you hurt me sooooooooo much buddy you can meet me halfway" for a long time and it never worked .
Now that I give 99.99 % of me and who I am to him without the hurt and resentment mixed in he gives back so much too. I just wish I would have found this out a much less painful way. I was always trying to read between the lines what he needed from me and just do that.
.... and then I realized when I changed me from within everything else fell into place. It is kind of like trying to spot reduce on my thighs .. not going to work ...

but if I hit the Gym everyday and really put in the effort ,my whole body will change.

Take care and God bless...