The Little Black Book

[cat03]

LOL running, sneaking bags, I just leave them in the car 'til I know he has gone to bed.

I tried being honest yesterday when he saw my Koh'ls bag and asked what I got, my "they were practically giving stuff away" line didn't impress him (well, they WERE! LoL)

Mr. flattery didnt' email me today, good, maybe he gave up after Ididnt' answer his "can I have a pict?" and "good morn beautiful" emails.
I had already wrote in my mind my don't-email-me-any-more letter.

[runningoutoftime]

Both Kohls and Mervyns are having the BEST sales right now!!! I hide things in the back of the car too... or sneak them into the garage. Hee hee!!!! Here's to shopping secrets (heck, it's not like I really spend THAT much!!!).

I have to tell you Cat, I have a somewhat similar situation.... except I learned that this guy who has a crush on me is married (I did post about it on the separation board. It was kind of funny because everyone was worried that I might actually fall for this guy. I have to say, there have been MANY more men I've met during this divorce who I'd be much more likely to fall for than this guy. I have a long list of guys I'd choose before him!!!! ). But the thing that really upset me was imagining the paralells in my own marriage. That my husband may have idealized OW the same way this guy seems to idealize me (telling me over and over how beautiful I am, remembering every word I've told him, looking for me every week at this place my girlfriends and I sometimes go to... eeek!). I barely know this person and have never indicated any interest in him beyond that of an aquaintance. Anyhow, I did tell my husband about him and if I run into him again I'll tell him exactly what I think about married men who do this kind of thing.

Anyhow, you stay strong. We've come too far to be side-tracked by this kind of garbage.

[yoyogirl]

Cat...

Think PATIENCE is the key word here. And also biting your tongue when you feel the urge to ASK. If they are not ready to talk or answer your question, you will get disappointed and he will get upset and withdraws into his shell... And he will think that you are PUSHING and PUSHING. So, the point here is to PATIENT. Eventually, the answer will come out of H voluntarily.

I have too much fear and self-doubt.

After what we've gone through... this is not a surprise. I do have that too..but we have to learn to know that we are GOOD people with GOOD traits, and that our H is just mis-guided...

[cat03]

well, I guess I really had no idea the extent of the internal damage in my H. I now see he isn't no where near ready to answer any more questions.

After reading some posts on the "are you happy" thread here, I text msg my H a question that had been on my mind, why he came back 9 days after he told me his T suggested we should date each other to see if we still worked or not.

I know we all have different goals and expectations, e.i: I never wanted my H tobe back just because it had become financially impossible to live on his own, others in this board mentioned they wouldnt' want their H back unless he'd come totally clean and recommit.

The answer I got from him was not what I "wanted" to hear, but it was the truth, and he's warned me before I may not like it. Over all he still feels low and me bringing it up is like going back on my word, that I'd forgive him when he decided to came back.

I now must work on myself to let him heal in private, I can't ask him to go at my pace and on my agenda, I will never know the full extent of the damage he's done to himself when he was away.

I'm also trying to see beyond the A, that the A was a side road, a horrible one, but a side road which wasn't the root of our M problems. I do tend to let the A to overshadow everything, even my good intentions of becoming a good loving wife. I let the A rob the best of my time and that has got to stop.

Instead of focusing on timelines and of what he was doing in such month/day I should focus on how can I make myself more appealing and becoming his friend without drowning him w/my neediness.

[BeingMe]

Don't be hard on yourself, Cat. So, you went back on your word about asking, however, it is unreasonable for your H to hold you to that, IMHO. Did he not go back on, not only his word, but his vows before God? I think he is exhibiting some double standards here, and he is not the one betrayed.

So, chin up, and keep moving forward. Eventually, he is going to have to come clean, in order to reestablish trust, if that is what his intentions are. I know I probably sound like a stuck grammophone (sp?), but continue to GAL, detach from his drama (or lack of communication), be kind to yourself, and know that you will be okay, no matter what happens.

Take care!

[cat03]

thanks hon! yes, everytime we had an argument he'd always push the "ok, after this please promise you aren't going to talk about this again".

I do need to detach and GAL, hard what with being the only adult at home and then having him home for 2 1/2 days and I miss him so much we spend the whole weekend together. Must find myself something to do!

[Phoenix_spark]

I'm thinking along the same lines as BeingME. Solve, forgive, then move on. Have to solve first.

[runningoutoftime]

I know we all have different goals and expectations, e.i: I never wanted my H tobe back just because it had become financially impossible to live on his own, others in this board mentioned they wouldnt' want their H back unless he'd come totally clean and recommit.

I've had the same feelings and concerns here. I do think finances played a part in my husband coming back (also I fear he was overwhelmed by the cleaning in his apartment. I was there last night and after 6 months it's now completely disgusting! Even the kids are bothered by it).

My husband was pretty frantic by the amount of money going out to cover two households (which includes a HUGE mortgage), attorneys, daily living expenses and me dragging my heels so he'd have to stay in that crummy apartment longer!!! I'd like to think he came back for love.... I do think it's there, but I think these other things made bachelorhood less appealing.

Before my husband came back I did ask him why he'd want to come back. His answer was "It's familiar." It seemed kind of flat to me. Like there should be something more emotional. But maybe those things are there, it's just hard for them to recognize and express. If they truly wanted out they'd find a way. Also, it's not easy to come back when you go so far.

[Phoenix_spark]

So true and they probably don't want to recognize or admit the tail between the legs.

[cat03]

Like there should be something more emotional

that's exactly what I was expecting too, some hollywood type reconciliation. But nope, it wasnt that way... then again...

If they truly wanted out they'd find a way

oh yes, so all in all, they wanted us back.

By the way, I wonder if he is checking my posts, he saw the history on our home computer and he found my cheat sheet (with helpful post from here) on my car with my screen name on it..hmmm, I wonder...