The Little Black Book

[happy_again]

Maybe you should have dealt with these issues BEFORE he came back then you wouldn't have to be doing it now. What was the point in having him return home only to keep having his past thrown in his face all of the time by his wife?Yep I sure would have wanted to come home and be interrogated.

[cat03]

finally_free, he hid the A altogether when he came back, I only found out he had someone 2mths after he came, and even then I didn't know it was a PA until a third month passed or I would've made it a condition.

TL, I totally agree w/you. It has been a horrible road but which has taught me so much, I'll never know what exactly H got out of it but he won't be resenting me or blaming me for all this troubles anymore. We would've been coasting by the skin of our teeth had this not happened, just white washing over the misunderstanding and the fights.
And over all, it has put me closer to God, I pray everynight my H comes back to Him.When I met him he always put God first, he's seen so much uglyness he's still yet to lift his head up to see Him.

Well, we had a talk, didnt' start well, treated me like a pesky mosquito, I was getting exasperated, etc etc. Ended up TM for an hr w/him telling me he will get tested as soon as he gets his schedule from school, they do have an erratic schedule and this week has been specially horrible for him (the instructor threaten w/throwing him out) if he looses this job -they pay him- we would be horribly ruined and I'm pretty sure he'd loose it, he's worked so hard to get to this school.

So, I'll see after this week if I can find him a clinic/dr open on weekends. Thanks all for your support, I'd go batty if I didnt' come here.

[toughlover]

My favorite prayer for people in our sitch's comes from 2 Thessalonians 3:5 where Paul writes:

"May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance."

I pray this for myself and my W every day. In many ways this has turned out very well for me as I've begun focusing more of my energy, time, and attention on my relationship with God, and serving others, than I have on myself or my W. So most of the DB principles have been realized as a by-product of pursuing my faith. In turn, the time I'm spending with my wife now is almost (I ain't perfect, just forgiven!) always positive. It has taken me two months just to get to this point. The first two weeks, I was a wreck. The 4 weeks after that, I backslid every couple days into cheeseless tunnels.

I have noticed that whenever I start feeling anxious about my W, if I pray as Paul instructs in Philippians 4, I do receive the peace I need...just a calmness that allows me to be rational and constructive.

I don't have all I want from her; I do have what I need from God, myself, and my kids, and that has to be enough. I don't like it, but I can do it, and I know you can, too.

Heck, we all CAN. Whether we WILL or not is our choice.

[runningoutoftime]

I'm glad I read this thread. I hadn't thought about getting tested. At what points is it recommended? How many months following the A?

[toughlover]

Don't know about that. My W's A lasted 3 years and she told me what she had. She got tested for everything back in June that turned up the one thing she had, so I know what I've been exposed to/got cause even while her A was going on she was ML w/me at least 2-3 times/week, so whatever she got, I got, but I haven't gone in to get tested yet to confirm. Will be doing that soon.

[always_14]

Cat, I am saying this again, and I will until you get this through to your self.

GET TESTED. THIS IS NOT A GAME BETWEEN YOU AND H. THIS IS YOUR HEALTH.

It is amazing to me that you don't value your own health, and that you are being stubborn in the "what's fair" game. This WHOLE thing is not fair, where do we start? But stop being in denial about your health.

Ask yourself these questions:

1) Did you have sex with H during and/or after the A?

If YES...then GET TESTED. No questions, no whining, no arguments...

STILL you insist on scheduling him to get tested, that's fine, but you need to do it too. He is still in a funk and might be hedging on lying, the after effects of MLC. So are you gonna play games?

I feel you are using this like a test..."if he loves me, he will get tested and I won't have to...why should I get testing if I didn't screw around."

That's fine to feel that way, but no reason to be risky with your health.

You are not a teenager with no awareness or sense. You are a grown woman. Show yourself respect by getting tested. It doesn't mean you're a slut, or dirty to get tested....so please get over your hang-ups. You take care of yourself....start doing that in every aspect of your life and be a role model to your kids that way.

PLEASE, I am begging you.

You WILL pick up the phone right now and call a clinic and get tested THIS WEEK. Your local Planned Parenthood does them daily and can squeeze you in, or community health clinic. Everything is confidential.

There are no rights, wrongs, fairness, emotions....this is your health. It's just what you have to do. No waiting til next week.

Stick with getting H tested....but make him do it, stop being his mother. Just put it to him straight...if he wants to reconcile, you both get tested and show each other the results by the end of this month. Period. Or else he can leave again.

TL is right, exposing someone to put their health in danger is one of the most violent things you can do. it's downright awful and hard to forgive.

I'm not preaching what I can't do: I'M GETTING TESTED THIS FRIDAY. So joi me and do the same. PLEASE. I really care about you.

[kasiopeia]

-I feel bad because i posted that it was humiliating getting these tests done.{my Dr.is a friend and he was upset for me,i went to him because i trust him,but it was hard for me} In fact,I want you to know that it is a big relief when you get it done.It dosen't take all that long.Mainly blood work.You will feel better if you get it done.
Until your tests come back ,and his,ask your H to use condoms.I agree with some of the other posts,it is your health,and you should take care of it.K

[always_14]

Seems this is a good topic for everyone...getting tested....so, since I work in public health, I'm gonna hijack Cat's thread just a little.

Right now, we're all dealing with a LOT of turmoil in life....a broken M, a cheating spouse, the pain, anger, hurt, and being ripped apart. It seems so inhumane to deal with the horror of an STD on top of all that. But, it's a fact, nothing more.

I'm not gonna sit here and justify, or put this in a counseling perspective, just offer info on getting tested, resources, etc.

* I think it's good for ALL of us to get tested, whether during an A or after.
* I think if your spouse is with OP, and you are still having sex, insist on protection (condoms...there are female condoms too). Tough luck if you think this may "push them away"
* It's good to get tested 3-6 months or so...ask to be tested full spectrum, on all the STD's.
* You can always get tested with your Dr. Or, if you feel funny, then there are plenty of community clinics, Planned Parenthood, etc in the area. All testing is CONFIDENTIAL, so no worries. Consider this your chance to get educated on STD's, symptoms and ask all the questions you want.
* You don't have to tell your spouse if you want to get tested if you think it may "rock the boat" in your M, this is YOUR health, YOUR test....but, if you find something, then I think it's only fair to tell.
* Get empowered....use the web. We;re all good at the web! There are great sites out there with CDC and other sources that have good information on STD's, symptoms, treatment, etc. Read up and get informed.

Getting tested fits into DB work....it's about taking care of you, taking control of your life and your health, in a healthy way. It's about changing you, controlling what you can....and only you can control your health.

It only hurts us to turn our heads to this....by getting tested periodically, you know it's one less thing to worry about.

[cat03]

ARGGGGGGHHHH, darn it, A_14, I've been ML w/him for over 6mths now....

This is just so unfair. Great, just great, I was just at my OBGYN last week, they did ask me if I had a history of STDs and I said no. I have to call back this Tuesday to check on my pap test, I will ask for an exam them, are you happy now??? I'm going against every cell in my body, I don't want to...but of course you are right.

I PROMISE I will talk w/either the lab that makes the tests or my obgyn this Tuesday, bleah.

Heaven save my H if I have something. I will now have to tell a complete stranger that my H messed with a slut, just great.

[toughlover]

I feel for ya, cat.

I not only have to tell my doc, but I'm diabetic so I've got to tell my specialist and see how that might affect other stuff.

Frustrating. Our spouses and OP's act like those soldiers down in the missile silos. Their addictions to their brain chemical reactions they call "love" keeps them insulated in their little bunkers, absorbed in each other and the fantasyland they create, both turning their keys, oblivious or unconcerned that the world (the real one that exists outside of their stupor) is blowing up around them.

Until they come out some day for more supplies and get a heavy dose of the reality the rest of us are already suffering through.