New post to write about something before I say something stupid to my H. In my effort to get rid of anything related w/OP I found a little black book (never good, those little black books)
Lots of stuff I read hit me like rubber bullets, hurt bad on impact but didn't make me bleed, have a few bruises, but they'll go away. I'm journaling to exorcize this little demons:
* Lots of nice great places he went w/her. For their aborted Vegas trip he booked the LUXOR at 900$ total, he had a whole schedule for every day nicely planed. Played dumb w/me when we went, I made all the arraingments as usual. FACT: I already knew he didn't spare expense to impress her, so what's the big deal?? his mind was working on 0%logic 50%lust 50% MLC BLUE CAT: he never plans ANYthing now! he acts as if he can't plan one outing on his own REALITY CAT: Such a whiner, I know both of us are broke! Plus Icontrol every dime in the house now, he was in stupid mode, trying to show off and buy her love, it DIDN'T WORK! Iwent w/him to Vegas! did do some stuff he suggested
* How he desired her so much in bed, how he wanted to give her the best sex ever to fulfill her every need, how he was trusting her since they did it unprotected (he has a vasectomy and somehow trusted her that she was clean) FACT: He did get tested, wont' say when, and promised to get tested again, will remind him of that promise tomorrow BLUE CAT: he wanted her badly even as she lyed there sleeping w/him when they were "on break" from sex episodes, talked about his sex libido up the roof around her and now he doens't seem turned on by me unless we are "on the act" and a few other occasions. REALITY CAT: befor he left he did use to want me all the time, I pushed him away and after MONTHS our SL went to zilch. It will also take time to go back to that stage when he will desire me. School is draining him BIG time, C told me how right now his mind might not be in sex, he had a horrible driningjob during the A so he poured all his energy into the A
*Surprise surprise, she, at some point, asked him what he thought about "sharing girlfriends" (I guess that means what he thought of her sleeping w/someone else?) His response "I'm a one woman guy (insert pict of me vomiting) I don't mind if you date. Just let me know if you plan to be intimate w/someone else since we aren't wearing protection" FACT: he WILL get himself tested, AGAIN BLUE CAT: My husband, my man would've never in his whole live accepted someone w/those kind of morals, has he lost that mentality altogether? Found in the cover of the book lyrics to a song that said "I want no virginal woman, no pure dove but your love strong and passionate..." That's what i was to him, his first, pure, innocent. Do men don't like virgins any more? does he like the sluttiness of her now? do I ask him that?? REALITY CAT: He had SH!T for brains and said and thought all sorts of things he new regrets, he still believes in morals, at what degree I don't know, might bring it up on counceling, might bring it up alone and ask him if he'd like an "open" marriage to see if he still thinks people should commit to one and only one person. He does believe in a commited M .
* How messed up was he? for a while he didn't even know how old was she!!! how can you get so close to someone physially yet don't even know how old they are!!! REALITY CAT: yup, she was a whore and he had his head up his arse
* How he put up w/lots of grief and total bitchines ("grumpiness he called it) from her when he messed up on the MANY projects he did around her new place. BLUE CAT: he never wants to do anything around the house! this place needs serious work! gets me forever to have him do anything! Gets upset the millisecond I seem to have a prob w/him REALITY CAT: I KNEW since we married he never was handy, just wanted to impress her and be "her" man who could do it all. In the past I did critize lots of stuff he did, so that didn't help.
* Not one word about me, when he was thinking about coming back, nothing! FACT: He was on ME mode, no body else mattered, not even the kids BLUE CAT: Not even a negative nor passing mention of me REALITY CAT: He did plan on D me, so for a good chunk there I was out of the picture altogether.
Give me browny points people, her current address was there, I thought about all the junk and porn catalogs I could send her way, but I only read the book once and then quickly set it ablaze on my stove burner. Her phone too, but again, it wasnt' and it ISN"T all about her. AmyC, you are right, I won't let OP rule/control my mind anymore.
Had an OK weekend w/H, still not affectionate unless I start, does talk to me a bit more nicer though. Still calls out to me HEY! when he wants my attention, that really gets on my nerves, he never used to do that,bet something he developed with OP or he still has me at arms lenght.
Well, it's midnight and have to get up early, had to get this off my chest. If it werent' for so many posts I read on my thread and others I wouldn't be processing all this in a good way. Most of all, thank you Lord for the peace only you give me, because you do value all that is good, pure and have died so I can be a good person.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have to congratulate you on having much more self control then me. I totally messed up and sent OW a mean email this weekend. I wish there was a way to just get all this crap out of my head. Maybe ignorance really is bliss.
And here I've been all proud of myself saying the second time around is easier and I'm dealing with things so much better (well, at least I didn't throw furniture around and scream at my husband at the top of my lungs like I did when I found out about the first affair! That's an improvement!).
Just hang in their Cat, I'm dealing with the same demons.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
" I didn't tell you the truth (about the A) because the way you react, look at you!"
That was my H back when I found out about the true nature of the A, I screamed, used curses, slapped him. OK, so, is there ANY other way to react to such a thing???? for crying out loud, how did he want me to react? how else could've you reacted runningourtoftime?" "oh, honey, so you had an OP, that's tough..." YEAH right.
If the spoused who's been cheated on takes it in stride, darn it, there is something WRONG there. Ignorance is bliss, about the details of the A.
Let's banish those demons girl, they aren't going to beat us. DELETE her email address. Hon, I had her phone number and current address on my hands. Don't soil yourself with that looser, promise me k?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
In answer to your comment, about how the LBS is supposed to react...well I guess it depends. Most of us totally lost it, which is a normal reaction, but once we settled down, then what?
That is when we need to maintain our self respect, and our dignity and not stoop as low as the OW.
She is not worthy enough to kiss the bottom of my shoe, BUT she is not my problem, and in your situation, she is not your problem or your Husbands either, she is history.
If you go looking for trouble, you will find it and it will stir up old memories and cause you more problems.
Focus on what you have NOW, not on what happened or what you lost.
By the way, I understand why your burned the book, but you had no business being in your Husbands private items and definately had no business burning anything. I can assure you he will not be thrilled with this. I would suggest that when you are confronted you are very remorseful and apologetic and vulnerable about your feelings.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I doubt he'll miss it, it was inside a trash bag in the floor. If he were to raise a stink about that book he'll have one thing coming! he isn't supposed to have anthing A or OP related in the home, I had him burn the rest of the stuff I found that day, he'd want me to burn it so A) I wouldnt' read it over again B) so he doesnt' have to think or being reminded about how stupid he was.
I'm pretty sure he doens't even know that book was still around.
I think it is my business, I know you mean well, but if I encounter anthing A or OP related I will make it dissapear, so far, he hasn't missed anything.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat....you poor sweetie. Sorry you had to read that (well, you didn't HAVE to, but...we all understand).
I would tell you to stop, that OW was a bandaid and looking in the past and rehashing is not going to help anything, but I won't. You already know that.
For some reason, we all fall into a few different categories regarding OP. Some folks here are good with not snooping, and others (like me) are horrible...I know how much more peaceful it is when I don't. BUT, I feel that it functions for you the same as it does for me, it's sorta cathartic in a way, part of the healing, by facing the most horrible of things. In a way, I want to know what H did, so I know that I can fully love him for everything....in the days when we lived together, I snooped with everything, it was the only reality I had in the total mirage that H portrayed. Now, I don't, as we are separated, but do see things.
So, do what is best for you. IF this is part of your processing and healing, then be careful. If not, then stop, or do it less.
Also, I would caution not to touch the subject for a LONG while with H. Just try to focus on having nice and happy days with him. Right now he is filled with shame, guilt and not feeling safe with you. Wait until you have a good foundation of nice days together, to bring it up.
Like you and others, I too was horrified when H told me about his A. I screamed all night. I said F-You....H (months later) was so hurt by that. OK...what in the world did you expect for telling me what you did?! THAT hurts you, but you expect the horrible things YOU did not to hurt me? Whatever.
But, I did realize that before that, for months I didn't bring up the A, nothing. I went about happy as usual, trying to be a great W. H had been so closed about everything, refusing to talk, so I went with it. Finally he trusted to open up and b/c I had been so "good" and we had that foundation, he could not hold it in any longer, he opened up.
That will happen for you too. OF COURSE there needs to be a day when you talk about this, btu realize that no matter how justified your reaction, he needs to feel safe and loved. Or at least understood. If you are really mad, wait a day or 2, then maybe tell him that you need to leave for a few days to process.
For now, hold off on the questions. He's avoiding it in his own mind with staying busy with school and such. Just build a good foundation, really think hard and process within yourself and decide what questions are most important to ask.
hey honey!!!! so nice to come to ol' crazy cat's thread, having a bit of a pity party right now
Quote: he needs to feel safe and loved. Or at least understood.
you are right, he doesnt' feel safe yet, I don't know about the other two, though I do try my hardest. Guess because he was shutting anything A related I was compelled to read, but you are right, I didnt' have to do it.
I'm much more calm. I will bring up the STD test again. He always refused to tell me when he got tested, i never understood why, I guess he didn't do it because a) he did it early in the R to prove HER he was safe b) in the middle of the R since she'd talk about "sharing" girlfriends.
It doesnt seem to me at least, that he got tested once it was over, so seeing what kind of slut she was I have a small fear we could've caught something from her. So, in a calm and non-bitchy way, I will remind him of HIS promise to get tested.
hugs gal)))))))) I do hope it happens, that one day he opens up to me.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I wish I had the guts to burn W's stuff from Om. Once during one the these arguments about Om, I tossed a box that contained letters and pictures in front of her and told her 'go to him, live w/him'. And I meant it. The box is now gone, out of the house. Good. I know about other letters around, but can't get myself to destroy those.
Somtimes I wish I could. Perhaps in another angry moment.
You have EVERY right to ask him to get tested, and to SHOW you the results. I think it will be some nerve for him to get pissed at that.
When it comes to your HEALTH, all cards are off the table...it's not about M, reconciliation, feeling safe, love or emotions. It's something entirely different and on many levels, more important. Regardless of what happens between the both of you, in the end, you have your health for the rest of your life. Your kids have 1 mom, and you owe it to yourself and your kids to find that out NOW.
Be nice, be calm, but be firm. He can come back, he can send the OW flowers, he can be understood and have guilt. But, the duty to get tested is his to you, nothing to do with humiliation of what he did. End of story.
Also, if you feel you don't trust him (you don't and who blames you), kindly TELL him (not ask) that you need to see the results. Offer to do the same for him if you like. Tell him that you're not doing it to make him feel badly, but you care about your health, plain and simple.
No reason you should be skirting this issue at all. Others, perhaps be more delicate and DB....not with your health.
