Cat....you poor sweetie. Sorry you had to read that (well, you didn't HAVE to, but...we all understand).
I would tell you to stop, that OW was a bandaid and looking in the past and rehashing is not going to help anything, but I won't. You already know that.
For some reason, we all fall into a few different categories regarding OP. Some folks here are good with not snooping, and others (like me) are horrible...I know how much more peaceful it is when I don't. BUT, I feel that it functions for you the same as it does for me, it's sorta cathartic in a way, part of the healing, by facing the most horrible of things. In a way, I want to know what H did, so I know that I can fully love him for everything....in the days when we lived together, I snooped with everything, it was the only reality I had in the total mirage that H portrayed. Now, I don't, as we are separated, but do see things.
So, do what is best for you. IF this is part of your processing and healing, then be careful. If not, then stop, or do it less.
Also, I would caution not to touch the subject for a LONG while with H. Just try to focus on having nice and happy days with him. Right now he is filled with shame, guilt and not feeling safe with you. Wait until you have a good foundation of nice days together, to bring it up.
Like you and others, I too was horrified when H told me about his A. I screamed all night. I said F-You....H (months later) was so hurt by that. OK...what in the world did you expect for telling me what you did?! THAT hurts you, but you expect the horrible things YOU did not to hurt me? Whatever.
But, I did realize that before that, for months I didn't bring up the A, nothing. I went about happy as usual, trying to be a great W. H had been so closed about everything, refusing to talk, so I went with it. Finally he trusted to open up and b/c I had been so "good" and we had that foundation, he could not hold it in any longer, he opened up.
That will happen for you too. OF COURSE there needs to be a day when you talk about this, btu realize that no matter how justified your reaction, he needs to feel safe and loved. Or at least understood. If you are really mad, wait a day or 2, then maybe tell him that you need to leave for a few days to process.
For now, hold off on the questions. He's avoiding it in his own mind with staying busy with school and such. Just build a good foundation, really think hard and process within yourself and decide what questions are most important to ask.
