The Little Black Book

[cat03]

New post to write about something before I say something stupid to my H. In my effort to get rid of anything related w/OP I found a little black book (never good, those little black books)

Lots of stuff I read hit me like rubber bullets, hurt bad on impact but didn't make me bleed, have a few bruises, but they'll go away. I'm journaling to exorcize this little demons:

* Lots of nice great places he went w/her. For their aborted Vegas trip he booked the LUXOR at 900$ total, he had a whole schedule for every day nicely planed. Played dumb w/me when we went, I made all the arraingments as usual.
FACT: I already knew he didn't spare expense to impress her, so what's the big deal?? his mind was working on 0%logic 50%lust 50% MLC
BLUE CAT: he never plans ANYthing now! he acts as if he can't plan one outing on his own
REALITY CAT: Such a whiner, I know both of us are broke! Plus Icontrol every dime in the house now, he was in stupid mode, trying to show off and buy her love, it DIDN'T WORK! Iwent w/him to Vegas! did do some stuff he suggested

* How he desired her so much in bed, how he wanted to give her the best sex ever to fulfill her every need, how he was trusting her since they did it unprotected (he has a vasectomy and somehow trusted her that she was clean)
FACT: He did get tested, wont' say when, and promised to get tested again, will remind him of that promise tomorrow
BLUE CAT: he wanted her badly even as she lyed there sleeping w/him when they were "on break" from sex episodes, talked about his sex libido up the roof around her and now he doens't seem turned on by me unless we are "on the act" and a few other occasions.
REALITY CAT: befor he left he did use to want me all the time, I pushed him away and after MONTHS our SL went to zilch. It will also take time to go back to that stage when he will desire me. School is draining him BIG time, C told me how right now his mind might not be in sex, he had a horrible driningjob during the A so he poured all his energy into the A

*Surprise surprise, she, at some point, asked him what he thought about "sharing girlfriends" (I guess that means what he thought of her sleeping w/someone else?)
His response "I'm a one woman guy (insert pict of me vomiting) I don't mind if you date. Just let me know if you plan to be intimate w/someone else since we aren't wearing protection"
FACT: he WILL get himself tested, AGAIN
BLUE CAT: My husband, my man would've never in his whole live accepted someone w/those kind of morals, has he lost that mentality altogether? Found in the cover of the book lyrics to a song that said "I want no virginal woman, no pure dove but your love strong and passionate..." That's what i was to him, his first, pure, innocent. Do men don't like virgins any more? does he like the sluttiness of her now? do I ask him that??
REALITY CAT: He had SH!T for brains and said and thought all sorts of things he new regrets, he still believes in morals, at what degree I don't know, might bring it up on counceling, might bring it up alone and ask him if he'd like an "open" marriage to see if he still thinks people should commit to one and only one person. He does believe in a commited M .

* How messed up was he? for a while he didn't even know how old was she!!! how can you get so close to someone physially yet don't even know how old they are!!!
REALITY CAT: yup, she was a whore and he had his head up his arse

* How he put up w/lots of grief and total bitchines ("grumpiness he called it) from her when he messed up on the MANY projects he did around her new place.
BLUE CAT: he never wants to do anything around the house! this place needs serious work! gets me forever to have him do anything! Gets upset the millisecond I seem to have a prob w/him
REALITY CAT: I KNEW since we married he never was handy, just wanted to impress her and be "her" man who could do it all. In the past I did critize lots of stuff he did, so that didn't help.

* Not one word about me, when he was thinking about coming back, nothing!
FACT: He was on ME mode, no body else mattered, not even the kids
BLUE CAT: Not even a negative nor passing mention of me
REALITY CAT: He did plan on D me, so for a good chunk there I was out of the picture altogether.

Give me browny points people, her current address was there, I thought about all the junk and porn catalogs I could send her way, but I only read the book once and then quickly set it ablaze on my stove burner. Her phone too, but again, it wasnt' and it ISN"T all about her. AmyC, you are right, I won't let OP rule/control my mind anymore.

Had an OK weekend w/H, still not affectionate unless I start, does talk to me a bit more nicer though. Still calls out to me HEY! when he wants my attention, that really gets on my nerves, he never used to do that,bet something he developed with OP or he still has me at arms lenght.

Well, it's midnight and have to get up early, had to get this off my chest. If it werent' for so many posts I read on my thread and others I wouldn't be processing all this in a good way. Most of all, thank you Lord for the peace only you give me, because you do value all that is good, pure and have died so I can be a good person.