Blah Sex & Communication

[SDFoundGirl]

Hi all...

I am all but in piecing. H and I had a rough summer, but he seems to be turning back to our M.

One of our major issues has been open communication, and of course, this includes sex.

I am a little embarrassed to say I have never had an orgasm w/H. He's not inept, it just doesn't seem to work. Our sex life until recently has been pretty vanilla...and even now, it's more like we're both feeling a little freer with exploration rather than being able to communicate about what we both want.

I kind of think this communication thing is the main stumbling block. For a long time I thought maybe he'd freak out if I communicated some of my needs, but I think it's also vice versa. I tend to be a little shy, but I've partners in the past who were really open, and I was an entirely different sexual being at that point.

Don't know what I'm asking exactly...maybe how to go about this. We ARE in MC, so I was thinking about bringing that up there. Any other ideas? I want our sex life to be better. I think he does too.

Ideas?

SD

[Shortchanged]

You want your sex life to be better! What's wrong with that?

I'd say it's a matter of not being afraid. Out with it! Get it out in the open. Just not when you're in bed.

1) Many men find it easier to talk about "difficult" subjects if they are doing something else at the same time. Something to divert those awkward eye contacts at difficult moments; a way to burn up a little energy if they feel tensed or stressed by the subject matter. So if there's a private place where you can do so and have this conversation and not be overheard, get him outside for a walk. Or even a car trip. Easing into this in the context of something else will make it easier for him.

2) If you really just can't get up the courage to come out with it directly in conversation, then consider writing him a note. Doesn't have to be detailed or fancy, just honest. And really it could just be a matter of writing for him what you've written for us.

Many many women don't have orgasms through intercourse unless there's some manual stimulation involved as well. That's just the way it is, and it's nothing your husband should feel is "his fault" any more than failure on his part to get an erection at times or instances where he ejaculated prematurely would be "your fault." The human body is not perfect and sex in real life doesn't work like it does in the movies. That's where understanding and acceptance and the ability to laugh at rather than agonize over "things gone not quite right" can be very helpful.

P.S. A doggie style rear entry position which allows him to simultaneously give you some manual stimulation might work wonders....

[cat03]

I agree w/ the above text. I dont' have an O purely by intercourse, I never had! I'm going to be a bit graphic here folks...
For years I'd come by him kissing/lick my breasts and me on top with "him" right between me,no penetration. Him kissing me up there and me rubbing my body against him made me come. Until one time I tried getting him inside me and still have me kissing my breasts and more movement and it still worked.
Yikes, I'm going to log off now :lol

But really wanted to let you know that it is possible to come by other ways.

Do you have lingerie? it's not only for the guys, just putting it on would turn me on, buy new stuff, I was always too shy to buy sexy undies, toss the grandma bloomers!

[Brian_M]

SDLostGirl,

My advice would be to absolutely move forward. Though, maybe don’t break open the damn of communication by going straight to the fact that he has never been able to help you find an O. Men take pride is sexual prowess. Jumping straight to that harsh point is going to probably set you back quite a bit. My advice, is maybe start off by being more honest about what you want and feel in the present. It is much easier to move forward from where you are on a positive note.

Plus, not to point out the obvious, but your pleasure is your responsibility, not his. Be specific and detailed about what you want him to do! Most importantly, communicate with him real-time during an encounter! For example, if foreplay is progressing a little too quickly, back him up and tell him to go spend some more time where things were working. Then, when you do move to IC, how about simply saying, “hey love, how about trying a little manual stimulation while you do that?”

In summary, I agree it sounds like time for communication. Though, I would say if you are the one who is dissatisfied, then the best first move might simply be telling him how to improve.