I'm so sorry for others that are reading this and in a similar situation as I. I tell you this, that if I could step up and help anyone, total strangers, I would do it if I could stop a divorce. That's how strongly I feel that D is wrong, and the apparently easy way out. M is difficult at times, and we all could do better.
For me, I am very sad this week. Last Friday I signed the final separation agreement. It was either that, or go to the judge and let her decide about finances, kids, etc. This was the result of mediation and lots of dollars with lawyers. But I'm so sad as my STBXW turned 40 yesterday. I had planned to surprise her with a trip to Italy and France. It was going to be a very romantic trip. I did tell her that I had planned the surprise soon after she dropped the bomb back in March 2006. I was speaking to one of my boys (age 8) and he said "dad, tomorrow is mom's birthday, tell her happy birthday", and handed her the phone. What could I say? I said "I was just telling Laura (lives across the street) that I should be in Italy right now", and then I said "anyway, happy birthday... can I speak to other son now". She said thank you when I said happy birthday, which was huge. She hasn't said thank you for so long. I guess I should appreciate that.
But I dropped the kids off at her house last night after football practice, and they went in to celebrate her birthday with her parents there. I wanted to be there, but drove home alone.
Man, life can suck. I got out my books and Bible right away and studied. I have had a huge migraine for 2 days, and that kept me up most of the night.
I took 2 days off work in a row. Migraines and flu-like symptoms kept me feeling pretty badly. I don't like being alone right now, so I felt better and cleaned the house and did laundry. I think about her alot. I think about what I could have done to be a better man. We did have a good marriage, but she still found a spark of Eros love somewhere else and let it smolder to a flame. Eros does not last more than 6-18 months, and then Agape love (given with no expectations of return) must take over. Then there is the Philos (sp?) love. That's the friendly love that must be there too. But the Eros is never long lasting, and that's when people in affairs realize they probably made a huge mistake. Perhaps they realize the ruined their life, their children's lives, their family, another family, friends, etc. What a waste. I hope that STBXW will realize that what she ran after was a mirage, and a dream, and that her family and husband of her youth are worth far more. I want her to return, so we can work on our M with God at the center of our lives.
I don't want another woman. I love my W. I signed the papers, so we wait for the court to stamp the final date. It's only a piece of paper, but it does signify a milestone in this process. Oh, the pain is so great. Why can't she see what this is doing? Perhaps she was so unhappy with me that she sees it as an acceptable alternative to workign on the M.
I go to the third class of "Divorce Care" tonight. It's a good class, at a local church. I'd recommend it to others, to you. It's biblically focused, and I think that is great. They talk about separation/D as a "tearing" of the soul and heart, leaving big gaping wounds. The only way to heal those wounds is letting God do the work. I agree with this, but the pain is so unbearable at times. I have to turn it all over to God when the pain gets intense.
I'm just emoting. I wish someone could tell me "things will be fine, they will be great". I know that time will heal and make things better. But I don't want to let go of the thought of getting my family back together.
She bought a house in July, and is having it fixed up. Spending all of her IRA (half of mine actually) to do it. So much for her retirement. I'm renting a place, hoping to buy one this winter (hoping for a better price). I hate moving, but I guess I'll move again.
