Wow, it's been 5 months since she dropped the bomb. We had to sign the final papers or go in front of the judge, so after months of wrangling, I signed them very hesitantly. W wanted D, and is in "love/lust" with OM. I tried so many things, even met with Michelle personally (what an amazing person she is). But now it's just a matter of waiting for the court to rubber stamp the D papers, which will likely happen this week (they are very fast in this county).
I'm so sad. Perhaps I should not be, but I sure am. Four kids, and 15 years of M.
I'm off to get the kids now and take them to church. ExW does not attend church anymore that I know, I think she can't take the heat that God puts on her because of the adultery.....
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and tell her "honey, I had a terrible dream, but I want you to know that I love you and I'm going to treat you so well for the rest of our lives!". Hmmm... I wish she knew
(((Big hugs))) friend. I am so sorry your W had to be one of those that runs to/through the D process. Of course you are sad, 15 years, children, the loss of a dream...
Remember, the D papers are only legal documents, they have nothing to do with the end of love or genuine commitment. I am still talking myself into believing this, but I know in my heart that it is true.
HOw do you think that? If they want to D us doesn't that show that they know nothing about committment? Do you think that D is the end or do you think it only means temporarily? There are no signs of my H coming back. His mind is completely made up. He is ready for the divorce and to move on with his life.
Hey spikecharlie- I've read a bit about your sitch and I know things really suck for you right now. One of the things we realize through the DBing process is that some people do not ever want reconciliation. It stinks and it hurts, but there it is. HOWEVER, only that individual knows for certain if he or she is willing to try to love again. If you feel like keeping up the fight- DO IT! The key here is that it's a personal decision, everyone needs to figure out at what point he or she is content to walk away from the fight. I will always love my H and there will always, for now, be a chance. That's me. I'm willing to overlook the hurt that this decision has caused. Others choose to try and move on with their lives, that's a good approach as well. You need to look into your heart and decide at what point you want to move on. I know in my case, H and I have a pretty good chance of getting back together after the D. This gives me hope. Some people have to go through the D process to reset their buttons and be available again to their spouses. Look inside and find the answer that works for you.
Me-32
H-40
M-8 years
5 kids, d16, d13,s5,s5,s2
bomb 6/11/06
H filed for D 6/27/06
Quote: HOw do you think that? If they want to D us doesn't that show that they know nothing about committment? Do you think that D is the end or do you think it only means temporarily? There are no signs of my H coming back. His mind is completely made up. He is ready for the divorce and to move on with his life.
In large part, I'm talking about love and commitment on the LBS side of the equation. In my case, my H on the other side is a depressed, nutty MLCer who is also hell-bent on D. I have to let go of the M legally, I don't have a choice. But that doesn't mean I quit being the person he would want to return to if/when he exits the MLC fog. I don't have to quit loving him, even while detached.
Everyone's situation is different, and for some, maybe many, D is and should be the end. For mine, I'm not so sure.
So your saying you and your H are going through with the D and then getting back together? What does that mean...why are ya'll doing that? My H keeps telling me that he wants to try and work on something later in the future, but right now he wants to divorce. Makes no sense. I saw him today on the road and he waved and I just drove off and ignored him. Didn't know if I should have said hey or not. What do you think? I'm trying to go "dark". So your going to take your H back after the D? Explain that to me. Thanks
I don't think mine should be over with b/c the whole divorce is silly and stupid. H divorcing me b/c I don't "fish and hunt and do things with him". Silly, but he thinks it's important. Either that or he has a GF. Oh I know I am working on detaching now, but I will probably always love my H. But what can I do? He doesn't love me anymore so I have to let go and if he comes back see where I stand then.
I'm so sorry for others that are reading this and in a similar situation as I. I tell you this, that if I could step up and help anyone, total strangers, I would do it if I could stop a divorce. That's how strongly I feel that D is wrong, and the apparently easy way out. M is difficult at times, and we all could do better.
For me, I am very sad this week. Last Friday I signed the final separation agreement. It was either that, or go to the judge and let her decide about finances, kids, etc. This was the result of mediation and lots of dollars with lawyers. But I'm so sad as my STBXW turned 40 yesterday. I had planned to surprise her with a trip to Italy and France. It was going to be a very romantic trip. I did tell her that I had planned the surprise soon after she dropped the bomb back in March 2006. I was speaking to one of my boys (age 8) and he said "dad, tomorrow is mom's birthday, tell her happy birthday", and handed her the phone. What could I say? I said "I was just telling Laura (lives across the street) that I should be in Italy right now", and then I said "anyway, happy birthday... can I speak to other son now". She said thank you when I said happy birthday, which was huge. She hasn't said thank you for so long. I guess I should appreciate that.
But I dropped the kids off at her house last night after football practice, and they went in to celebrate her birthday with her parents there. I wanted to be there, but drove home alone.
Man, life can suck. I got out my books and Bible right away and studied. I have had a huge migraine for 2 days, and that kept me up most of the night.
I took 2 days off work in a row. Migraines and flu-like symptoms kept me feeling pretty badly. I don't like being alone right now, so I felt better and cleaned the house and did laundry. I think about her alot. I think about what I could have done to be a better man. We did have a good marriage, but she still found a spark of Eros love somewhere else and let it smolder to a flame. Eros does not last more than 6-18 months, and then Agape love (given with no expectations of return) must take over. Then there is the Philos (sp?) love. That's the friendly love that must be there too. But the Eros is never long lasting, and that's when people in affairs realize they probably made a huge mistake. Perhaps they realize the ruined their life, their children's lives, their family, another family, friends, etc. What a waste. I hope that STBXW will realize that what she ran after was a mirage, and a dream, and that her family and husband of her youth are worth far more. I want her to return, so we can work on our M with God at the center of our lives.
I don't want another woman. I love my W. I signed the papers, so we wait for the court to stamp the final date. It's only a piece of paper, but it does signify a milestone in this process. Oh, the pain is so great. Why can't she see what this is doing? Perhaps she was so unhappy with me that she sees it as an acceptable alternative to workign on the M.
I go to the third class of "Divorce Care" tonight. It's a good class, at a local church. I'd recommend it to others, to you. It's biblically focused, and I think that is great. They talk about separation/D as a "tearing" of the soul and heart, leaving big gaping wounds. The only way to heal those wounds is letting God do the work. I agree with this, but the pain is so unbearable at times. I have to turn it all over to God when the pain gets intense.
I'm just emoting. I wish someone could tell me "things will be fine, they will be great". I know that time will heal and make things better. But I don't want to let go of the thought of getting my family back together.
She bought a house in July, and is having it fixed up. Spending all of her IRA (half of mine actually) to do it. So much for her retirement. I'm renting a place, hoping to buy one this winter (hoping for a better price). I hate moving, but I guess I'll move again.
