Quote: Prayer for Today: Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of forgiveness. Thank You for loving me enough to set me free. I ask You now to search my heart and show me any hurt or bitterness I need to release so I can walk in forgiveness and freedom today.
That's a nice prayer. I haven't been able to pray lately. I've tried but I just feel like a have a shield around me it goes nowhere. I just can't seem to shake this grip on me away. I want to pray that God will take this and figure it out. I just can't seem to let go. I'm too scared of divorce . . . I'm scared of custody. . . hell I'm scared of losing Kevin from my life period.
Just because the OB thought you didn't need a referral before doesn't mean she won't give you one now. You probably did too good a job of covering up when you were in her office.
Call the office NOW and tell them you are seriously depressed and want a referral NOW for psychiatric help. Don't take no for an answer! Stand up for yourself!!!
She told me that if I needed to talk to someone anytime I could talk to that secretary that she had me talk to before. I am totally uncomfortable with that.
I'm fine . . . really. Yesterday was just a REALLY bad day. I do feel better today. I just can't seem to get over the fact that he's willing to leave this family for that whore. I guess that's just not how he sees her . . . and I hope he's happy. I will make his life hell from here on out. I hope he's absolutely certain he loves her . . . . because this is be the fight of his life.
He'd better carve the girls names right out of the skin on his damn arm . . . cause I'll see him in hell before he will EVER lay another finger on either one of these children. I will see them right into [censored] foster care before he EVER see them again. He is such a worthless peice of [censored] . . . and here I sit crying my goddamn eyes out because I love him . . . and all he can think about is HER. He never thinks of Felina who ABSOLUTELY adores him. CASSIE F-WHORE is more important to him than Felina. WELL THAT'S HIS GODDAMN CHOICE AND I WILL SEE THAT HE STICKS RIGHT THE [censored] TO IT.
You wanna see the godamn fight in me well get ready cause here it comes.
[censored] the highroad. He never had the balls to walk on it. He's made his decisions and now I will let him sleep in the [censored] bed HE has made. I am going to make damn sure EVERYTHING he wants he gets. I will carve the damn ink out of his skin right through his [censored] heart. We'll see how he likes it when the goddamn tables turn and he gets to see my bad side. I love the hell outta that [censored] [censored]. I was more than will to lay it all down. Let him take his damn time . . . and HE never considers MY feelings it's ONLY about hers. SHE doesn't want his [censored] happiness. . . . . .
I don't care what it takes that boy with pay for the games he has played. Hope he's ready. I'll see him in hell . . . I just hope he take the [censored] heat.
Emily, we know that you are scared. We have all been scared about what the future holds for us. It is okay to be scared. what gets us in trouble is when we allow our fears to paralyze us. You are allowing fear to paralyze you.
I sent you a link to a web site last time I posted to you and you said that you weren't ready for it. I am sending you a link to it again but this time it is to a specific part of the site. Please read it. You want a direction. You want something to do, well here it is. Just READ it!!
Something else I want to tell you is that Kevin doesn't love Cassie. There is no love involved in that relationship at all. What you are mistaking for love is pure disgusting LUST. Kevin is incapable to "loving" anyone right now. He can't love Cassie, you, your daughters, or anyone else for that matter. He can't even love himself.
ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
Emily, I am so sorry for your ups and downs but the sooner you just stay firm in your anger and work thru it and then let it go. you will get off this Roller Coaster that you are on.
I just found an old receipt {[ my H gave me receipts to look thru that were in his truck in a huge garbage bag,, we are dealing with the IRS}} that clearly confirms he stayed at a Hotel with the OW where she lives. I got a little upset and then just thought to myself " WOW HE WAS REALLY LOST!!!" PLUS A FEW EXPETIVES TOO. And I let it go ,,,, I need to remember my worth. GOD WILL GUIDE YOU,,, JUST LISTEN.
It IS painful baby but when you allow the pain to consume you it is no good. It is ok to have bad days and vent, but we worry so much about you cause you are so young. Do not give up and I love what someone posted to you that he cannot love anyone right now. etc. etc. That person is so right,,, My H would come home on the pretext to see the kids and when I stayed upstairs {[ so he could spend time with them and not have to look at me or deal with me}}he would come up here to look for me..!!! { LOST...}}}
He is lost like I have told you before honey so while he is lost ------------->>>>>>>>>find yourself. I guess that is what we all want you to do. Save yourself , find yourself and grow as a Woman. you are really smart and really strong you just let " THEM" f*ck with your happiness. I know it is hard hon, but let their bs go and let him find him. When he is ready , really ready then that is when you want him to return and until then be strong and find you. I think of you evrytime I hear that Rascall Flatts song ,, that song is so pretty. And if he feels any of the lyrics let him work thru this and give him space. He needs time to heal just like you do. And yes he is being selfish but at least the girls have you to be their ROCK. Be tough, be strong and loving for you and for those beautiful little girls.. they are your future..!!
Hang in there baby, be strong we are here for you. God bless....
Quote: hey its's Cassie Karen's betfriend i just thought i would tell you all that karen is right about men they do nothing but lie and cheat on you lets you Kevin Berdanier he is the man who said i make him happy and no one would he said he want to be with me for the rest of his life i was just some ass he got thats how i look at it no one but him is who makes me happy he will awlays be the man that i want to be with for ever he just want to be with Emily Berdanier his wife who could give to a [censored] if he is happy or not !!! the way i look at life is that you should be happy no matter what if you are not happy then dont be with that person yeah 4 years ago you married her but 9 months ago you told her you didnt want to be with her you told be that you loved me before i even told you how i felt rember that night Kevin not like you are going to read this i think its funny how it said you ware online last night when you ware with me the hole night holding me telling me how much you love me and want to be with me but then to day you bring me home and act like you never cared about me when i know that is a lie and if you didnt care about me you wouldnt have CRY as much as you did i know you love me and i know that me being here typing this is not what you want i should be with you holding your heart and standing by you the hole way thought every thing that you need to do in life Kevin dont ever for get me i know you will im sure you dont even rember who your Butterfly is do you I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I ALWAYS WILL WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME!!!
LOVE ALWAYS YOUR
BUTTERFLY
I'll let that speak for itself
HE told HER he LOVED her FIRST. HE TOLD HER HE WANTED TO MARRY HER . . . be with her forever etc.
HE LOVES HER.
He is NOT confused. . . . he simply doesn't feel that he is allowed to "let me down".
Those lyrics to that Rascal Flatts song were ment for HER. He's afraid to walk away from her and never know if she can make him happy like he thinks she does . . . because I cannot.
I HAVE FAILED AS A WIFE
It is over! There is no more fighting for this marriage. . . . it is time for it to end. I just want to make his life hell . . . . I want them to be truly weathered. Since they'll never be totally broke and living in a truck with a daughter and one on the way . . . he needs to see some other way that reality strikes EVERYONE. It was NOT my fault that our situation got soo terrible. SHE IS TOTALLY RIGHT.
He'd better get ready for the fight of his life. . . . because I am prepared to give it to him. He may have more money but I have more brains than the two of them put together. He'll rot in hell and I'll laugh . . . . He'll have to think of "us" everyday when he looks down at his children's names inked into his skin. I hope he had MANY sleepless nights . . . wondering what his babies look like at 6 . . . 10 . . . 15 . . . 18 . . after that it's up to them if they want to meet the [censored].
Quote: Emily, we know that you are scared. We have all been scared about what the future holds for us. It is okay to be scared. what gets us in trouble is when we allow our fears to paralyze us. You are allowing fear to paralyze you.
I sent you a link to a web site last time I posted to you and you said that you weren't ready for it. I am sending you a link to it again but this time it is to a specific part of the site. Please read it. You want a direction. You want something to do, well here it is. Just READ it!!
Something else I want to tell you is that Kevin doesn't love Cassie. There is no love involved in that relationship at all. What you are mistaking for love is pure disgusting LUST. Kevin is incapable to "loving" anyone right now. He can't love Cassie, you, your daughters, or anyone else for that matter. He can't even love himself.
ST
I actually read the WHOLE site and had it bookmarked in my favorite for quite a while. I just can't seem to totally apply it . . . so maybe I'm still not ready.
I am sorry if this sounds gruff but I am tired of the drama you create. I know you are having a tough time right now and need help but until you help yourself, we can't help you. Have you called the doctor? Probably not. Don't keep putting it off. You will not get better by yourself. You need help and you need to ask for it.
First thing though, stop repeating what she wrote on that blog. That is old news. We all know the story and we all think it is crap.
Did he tell YOU that he wanted to marry her? He doesn't love her. He just thinks he does. He doesn't want the responsibility of being a husband or father right now so his way of dealing with it is to play "house" with her. When it comes to you and the kids, he has to be responsible. When it comes to her, he can just up and go when things don't go the way he wants. Right now it is a game for him. He knows you want him and will take him back so he keeps on. You need to stop calling him. You need to stop telling him you love him and want everything to work out. Don't talk about your relationship. Don't tell him how you feel. You are giving him ammo to use for his purposes. I bet he sits back and thinks he can do anything he wants cuz you are sitting home waiting for him. Give him something to fight for. Don't make it easy on him.
Quote: I HAVE FAILED AS A WIFE
You have not failed as a wife. He failed as a husband.
Quote: It is over!
No it isn't. If it were over, you wouldn't be acting like this. You would just say to hell with it and not let anything bother you. With you getting angry proves you love him and want things to work out. You need to step back and look at yourself and what you are doing not only to you and him, but to the kids. You two need to come to a neutral place for the kids. It isn't their fault they were born into the situation. The can't help that the two of you are having problems. Show your girls that you are a fighter and not a quitter. Show them how strong you are and let go of the past and move forward.
And I let it go ,,,, I need to remember my worth. GOD WILL GUIDE YOU,,, JUST LISTEN.
but when you allow the pain to consume you it is no good. It is ok to have bad days and vent, but we worry so much about you cause you are so young. Do not give up and I love what someone posted to you that he cannot love anyone right now. etc. etc. That person is so right,,, My H would come home on the pretext to see the kids and when I stayed upstairs {[ so he could spend time with them and not have to look at me or deal with me}}he would come up here to look for me..!!! { LOST...}}}
