Great replies, thanks to all, please keep them coming. She DOES NOT know I have access to her VM and I want to keep it that way so I can continue to gather info.
Quote: If you are starting to lose credibility with your accusations, then you need to make sure you have enough information before you confront her.
I wanted to clarify what I meant by losing credibility. I did not mean that my accusations were wrong, they were, as a matter of fact, true. They were not based on speculation but on things I knew to be true.
I meant that I have a hard time enforcing (Poor choice of words, I know) my wants. For example, when I learned that she had seen OM and she admitted it, I insisted that she call him in my presence and tell him it was over. She refused and said she would call him in private. So, what do I do? That's what I mean, I can't do anything until I know what my response is going to be if she refuses to end it. That's what I mean about losing credibility.
The other non related question I had, mainly for the ladies that have had As, what made you feel most guilty? How can I use that to my advantage?
I see what you mean then about credibility. And it's good that you recognize that you need to be prepared to take steps to enforce your boundaries. That's where I struggle too. It's really, really hard to make decisions we don't want to make or to put ourselves in a position where we might have to. Take your time. Ultimately, if you're not ready to demand that she end the A, no matter what the outcome may be, then IMPO it's best to act like you don't know about her continued contact and try the indirect approach of making her stop on her own, which is what I think you're getting to with your question
what made you feel most guilty? How can I use that to my advantage?
What made me feel most guilty....when my H acted like the H who didn't deserve any harm to ever come his way. See, with affairs, there are aspects of those relationships that led to the A. While no one ever deserves to be cheated on or lied to and hurt.....there are things that led up to it that, for whatever reason, the offended party has chosen to ignore. Stop ignoring those things and be the man she wanted. Not for her, but for you because deep down, you probably know that's the man you should be regardless of what happens with you and W. Be true to yourself and let your integrity shine. I promise you, the guilt will follow.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Thanks HG, that is exactly what I was looking for. I've come to realize that my insisting that she end the A really does not do me any good. The only way to make this work is for her to independantly decide to do that. Ergo my question about guilt, what little things can I do, indirectly, to make her REALLY think about what she is doing so it looks like I am not confronting.
Anyone else? Come on folks, let's brainstorm here!
Quote: Stop ignoring those things and be the man she wanted. Not for her, but for you because deep down, you probably know that's the man you should be regardless of what happens with you and W. Be true to yourself and let your integrity shine. I promise you, the guilt will follow.
Major dittos from here!
My W ended the affair upon telling me, for reasons that (she says) had nothing to do with me, more with her and God.
But I can affirm that by simply becoming the husband I really wanted to be anyway, and doing it without waiting to see whether it works, or whether she'd reciprocate, made a world of difference in my sitch, but the real difference has been in myself.
Just like despair and anger feed on each other (the more you give in to it, the worse it gets), love and kindness do the same, and just as your mental state can affect your actions, your actions can affect your mind and emotions.
Choosing the right actions ends up changing you on the inside, which also helps you act even better.
And the better I act and treat my W, the more she's interested in connecting with me again. We're still not quite there yet, but I think we're making decent progress there.
I haven't found anything else that works. This did once I figured out it couldn't be done to simply change her or get what I want from her. That's manipulation and women seem to be pretty dang good at seeing through that. I confess I did do that at first, but once I made the decision to do it for me (hard as that was to detach from her), I started seeing way more progress than I thought possible at this stage of the game.
Which isn't to say we're close to success...just that progress is better and I'm more able to deal with the slow pace.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I have a couple thoughts. First, yes, insisting the EA/PA be over will get you no where - other than pushing them further toward the OP. I think that DB'g is really all about "transforming" or "reforming" ourselves into the people that our WAS's fell for. Sprinking with a little guilt and you have a shot at getting back your spouse. But I think too often when they come back, we LBS's take a breather (we deserve one, we've been DB'g our arses off) and the WAW sees the same person again...maybe needy and suffocating - why not, we want to shower them with love, lovemaking, whatever. Patience.
So what are your goals WAWFighter? What works toward those goals, what doesn't?
Look, when I found out about the PA that was going on in my sitch, essentially had two goals. First, since I had all sense that I was soon to be a single dad of three boys was to become the best darn dad I could be (okay that started long before that, but I followed through with more vigor) BECAUSE second, I was going to out run and out distance this OM in all regards. And I did. BTW, one of the "turning" points was my WAW realising that the OM was in no way could hold a candle to my parenting - but more so that I was obviously starting to show I was wringing every ounce of life out of life I could.
Which got be thinking - I used to snoop too and I have to tell you it does NO good. It effects your mood and that shows. It further fosters a atmosphere of distrust. Now, sure, your W MIGHT be acting distrustful - but you don't know that. I think much more is gained by looking inward, with strength and integrity and living a life that a WAS could only choose to want to be a part of.
It ain't easy and some days are a challenge still - but I think as we go through each day we seem to be appreciating a little more what we have and where we're going. Nice thing is, I'm drivin'
Hope that helps.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Yeah, like Sven I also believed she was too far gone and was probably out the door eventually, so that was a big factor in my decision making too. I figured she was so messed up that whether she stayed or went, for my boys' sake alone I would have to quit making excuses and just be the absolute best I could be.
Once I started seeing my W was serious about working things out with me and maintaining NC with OM, and once I got a few good weeks of this under my belt, it seemed to start making a difference with W. Still got a long way to go but I see a difference.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
