Thanks for taking an interest, Heather G. And, before I go on and on about me, please let me know where your sitch is so I can catch up with you as well.
I believe she understood the depth of her mistake thru our kids. Before coming home, she and D6 were at a scouting function when the girls were asked what they wished for. D6 replied, “I wish I didn’t have to live in two houses anymore.” That was a huge step in pointing her back home.
I also later learned that she had some very good friends that were also pointing her in that direction. Other DBers take heed of this; I thought that some of her friends were making things worse. I later learned that they were in fact, not necessarily my friends, but friends of the marriage and were helping me, albeit indirectly.
On some occasions she has told me she came back because she loved me, other times she says she is back just because of the children. Regardless, she is back, and I need to get back into the DBing mode again as I do not want to settle for anything less than the great marriage I know we can have. (I left you guys when she came back, and I now realize what a mistake that was.)
Her “MC” was exasperated by her mom’s death and some nasty sibling politics that preceded it. I was also to blame for not being there enough emotionally for her. I had indeed grown complacent in our M thinking that everything was great and we would never have these types of problems. Sound familiar, guys? W was also under heavy pressure from work and kids’ school. OM was a distraction from all of this.
How did I change? Well, I lost a lot of weight, that’s for sure. Great diet, this BS is. More importantly, through counseling I learned what my role was and learned, no, am still learning, how to listen and not be Mr. fixit. And yes, I think she has noticed.
Another thing I learned within the last few months that has been extremely powerful is to stop walking away during heated discussions/arguments. Typical male I am, I would generally walk or storm out. I learned to stand my ground and not go anywhere regardless of how unnatural that felt. The results were absolutely amazing. One time she even asked me, “Aren’t you just going to walk away now?” When I replied, “No, I standing right here,” she was astounded.
