Hello all, I have been off the board since October of last year as my WAW came home to me. She had an E&PA prior to and during our separation but assured me “he was just a distraction” when she came back. We have done many things new but earlier this year I had suspicions, later confirmed, that she was speaking with him again (he lives 100 miles away.) I confronted her and we fought, but eventually, things calmed down.
A couple of months ago, I discovered that she met him at an event and completely lied to me about it. She readily admitted it and swore that she called him and told him never to call again. I am cautiously optimistic that she is in fact telling the truth.
After that incident, I insisted that we see a counselor. During the course of three sessions she was a royal B to me the entire time and when the counselor (after seeing her disdain for it) told her she did not have to come back, she has been very nice to me since.
We have been getting along great over the last five weeks or so but there is absolutely no intimacy, and I am scared to death that we will lose it again. (The last time she initiated ML was in March, and really not much has happened since then.)
I was a regular visitor to this site all last summer (in Infidelity section) and consider myself a success at DBing, now I need some help in following up. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
How about apologizing for how you acted when you found out ...
and then asking her if she could let you know when she has other plans so that you have enough time to make plans yourself.
That might get her to give you the "HUH?" face.
You might read up on some of the MLC advice. The WAS running back to the OP is somewhat normal, and from what I understand, you have to stay out of the way. You can't let it bother you. If you appear insecure, it could drive her back to him permanently. The WAS should only temporarily retreat and then will gradually come back closer to you. Remember patience.
This is the rough part. I've heard that the separation is a cakewalk compared to reconciling.
Good Luck... but give the MLC board a look, there's some good advice over there.
do you hold her hand? would she let you? do you kiss her goodnight? I started that way w/my H (a previously unquenchable man) who didn't iniate ML either. He did tell me days after that the first time we ML that it didnt' feel the same.
I took a break but I couldnt' just sit there, I initiated and he opened up, more and more. It isn't like before and it prob will take months before it is, but he is more receptive and loving.
She might still be grieving for the A that's over. So if you find her receptive start by hugging or cuddleing, warm her up a bit, as the mars-venus book says, the #1 thing women want is affection.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks to you both for your response. I do not want to mention him or the A at all as I want that to remain history. I did once see something about an Affair timeline in which there was a mourning period; any chance you recall the source for that? I'd love to review it again.
Regarding ML, I was thrilled a couple of nights ago when our hands touched while going to sleep and she kept hers there for quite a while before she rolled over. That's how long it's been. I don't know whether to start making moves or just to keep backing off and giving her some room for a while. My thinking is that if and when she does make a move, we are back on the right track.
Hey WAW, good to see you and even better that you have good news
I was a regular visitor to this site all last summer (in Infidelity section) and consider myself a success at DBing, now I need some help in following up. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
What I would love to see from my H is recogntion, sincere realization, that he had issues that contributed to the state of the R prior to the A. And, equally important, that he is 100% committed to changing for the better.
I would also want to see boundaries from him and see him enforcing them with me because I wouldn't want to feel like I could walk all over him....since I am no longer doing anything 'wrong' I would understand completely the need for certain things to occur to rebuild trust. Confident, gentle and FIRM boundaries would reinstate my respect for him. So would compassion.
How people react when they are under fire is a great reflection of their character. Think about what you want to convey and be true to yourself.
As a side note, take a look at the Alpha Male 101 thread. There is some good stuff in there.
Welcome back, I'm happy for you.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Hi Heatherg, nice to see a familiar face, so to speak. I have not told my W that I realize I had my share of the issues but instead show her. I hang on every word she says and truly listen to her when she speaks.
Re boundaries, I have a hard time with that and admit I am being a bit of a wus. Although the other day she was in a bad mood regarding some interaction with D6, and was being a bit rude to me. I finally told her that I was sorry she had issues with D but it was not with me and to stop talking to me with that tone of voice. Guess what, she backed off and was friendly the rest of the day.
Keep the advice flowing, and are there any more of the "old crowd" out there, hopefully with success stories?
Anna is back on the boards just as a couple of weeks ago and NYS popped in a few times in the last year or so mostly just to say he's moved on. I think those may be the only two that posted on both our threads.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
OK, a quick refresher. Married 12 ys, S9, D7. April 05 W comes to me and says, completely out of the blue, there’s another guy, she doesn’t love me, and we’ve been roommates for the last several years, yada yada. We go back and forth for several weeks until she moves out in June and gets apt., begins seeing OM regularly. Entire summer is major roller coaster ride with her going back and forth with her feelings.
I start DBing with a vengeance with the occasional setback. In August, she files for divorce. In October, comes to me and says she made a mistake, did love me, and wants to come home. Basically says that she went crazy and OM was merely a distraction. Tells me that she came back because no matter what she said or did, I was there for her (DBing does work). Promises she’ll never leave me again.
What happens next is written above. I think she has built this very large wall around her heart and is very leery about letting me back in. (I think she has real abandonment issues as all this was predicated with her mom passing away.) I’m slowly chipping away at that wall, I think, but could use some help.
In October, comes to me and says she made a mistake
Have you felt that she does in fact understand the depth of her 'mistake' and the destruction it caused? Why do you suppose she got so huffy about MC? Did she ever say what OM was a distaction from? That might shed some insight into how to get her to let you in a bit more.
In what ways did you change while you two were separated? Did she seem to notice?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Thanks for taking an interest, Heather G. And, before I go on and on about me, please let me know where your sitch is so I can catch up with you as well.
I believe she understood the depth of her mistake thru our kids. Before coming home, she and D6 were at a scouting function when the girls were asked what they wished for. D6 replied, “I wish I didn’t have to live in two houses anymore.” That was a huge step in pointing her back home.
I also later learned that she had some very good friends that were also pointing her in that direction. Other DBers take heed of this; I thought that some of her friends were making things worse. I later learned that they were in fact, not necessarily my friends, but friends of the marriage and were helping me, albeit indirectly.
On some occasions she has told me she came back because she loved me, other times she says she is back just because of the children. Regardless, she is back, and I need to get back into the DBing mode again as I do not want to settle for anything less than the great marriage I know we can have. (I left you guys when she came back, and I now realize what a mistake that was.)
Her “MC” was exasperated by her mom’s death and some nasty sibling politics that preceded it. I was also to blame for not being there enough emotionally for her. I had indeed grown complacent in our M thinking that everything was great and we would never have these types of problems. Sound familiar, guys? W was also under heavy pressure from work and kids’ school. OM was a distraction from all of this.
How did I change? Well, I lost a lot of weight, that’s for sure. Great diet, this BS is. More importantly, through counseling I learned what my role was and learned, no, am still learning, how to listen and not be Mr. fixit. And yes, I think she has noticed.
Another thing I learned within the last few months that has been extremely powerful is to stop walking away during heated discussions/arguments. Typical male I am, I would generally walk or storm out. I learned to stand my ground and not go anywhere regardless of how unnatural that felt. The results were absolutely amazing. One time she even asked me, “Aren’t you just going to walk away now?” When I replied, “No, I standing right here,” she was astounded.
